It would have been better for all of us if she had,I think.
But I don't say that out loud. Even thinking it feels wrong.
“She was murdered.”
“Oh my God. You didn't...?”
“Kill her?” I laugh. “Would you understand me better if I told you yes?”
“No.” She shakes her head. “I wouldn't, because I'm not a killer. I'm not sure anything you say can make me understand why you want to hurt innocent women.”
That's fair. I can't argue with it. I don't understand my own need; I just know that it exists. I know that if I ignore it, it just presses harder until I am nothing more than the darkest parts of me.
“No one ever does.” I smile softly. “I didn't kill her. It was a home invasion. My father was away, our housekeeper had just left for the day. I'd just put Charlotte to bed and went to check on Mother.”
I shiver at the memory. I still feel cold whenever I go back to it, remembering the way the chill seemed to crawl inside of me.
“I heard them break the door down. It happened so fast, and I tried to get her to run or hide.”
The voices had carried throughout our house, announcing their intentions.
“Find the bitch. Touch nothing else.”
“She wouldn't move. She didn't even acknowledge that I was there. I tried to pull her out of the bed, but she was like dead weight, and she fell on the ground in a pile. I didn't know what to do. I could hear that there were a lot of them, and I didn't have any weapon. I grabbed the phone, but the line was dead, and as I begged her to snap out of it, to help me fight them off, she just laid there, staring at me. I didn't know what to do, and I was so scared that I hid in the first place I could... under the bed.”
Amber's eyes are full of stormclouds as I recount the story of the worst night of my life.
“You were there?”
“I saw everything.”
I don't clarify whateverythingmeans. She doesn't ask me to.
“Cal…” Pain is heavy in the sound of my name, but I don't know if it's for her or me. Her fingers stroke against my cheek for a minute, and I blink, wondering when that got there.
“I've never been so scared. So, I hid like a little bitch and waited until I was sure they'd left. And they didn't leave until they were sure she was dead.”
“Oh my God.” She closes her eyes slowly. “Did you see who did it?”
“I saw them.” I nod. “But their faces were covered, and I didn't know their voices. The police tried to get me to remember anything helpful, but I couldn't give them anything useful.”
Just general height and build, which was likely skewed given that I'd been lying on the floor looking up, and a few glimpses of tattoos. They had a sketch artist working on those when Father came home and ripped into the officers for questioning a minor without his parents present. Technically, Motherwaspresent... her body was still in the room upstairs. It took a while for them to get the full crime scene documented. Father took us out of the house to get breakfast even though it was still dark out, and by the time we got back to the house, everything was as if it had never happened.
“They've never found anyone responsible?” Her delicate throat bobs as she swallows. “That's horrific.”
“After that, I think my beast came out to make sure I was never scared again. He protected me for a while, and once he started making demands…” I shake my head. “I can't control him. I tried to fight off the need for violence, for power, but it's never worked. I didn't even realize that's what it was until it was practically consuming me. I don't mean to kill... but it always happens.”
My little doll is quiet, and I imagine she's hating me for being so unprincipled, unable to control myself or the thing that lives inside of me.
“You've never thought about channeling your rage toward the people who killed your mother?”
That makes me laugh. “I've thought about it a thousand times, little doll. But I told you, I don't know who it was.”
“Sure.” She agrees slowly. “But... what about men just like them?”
I'm not sure what she's getting at. “Men just like them? Men like what?”
“Killers. Monsters. Men who take what they want without a second thought about who will get hurt in the process.”
