“Better? You think calling me out makes you better? You think that fixes all the times you said the same shit as me?”
I didn’t have anything more to say.
Marcus stared at me for a long moment.
“Whatever, man.” He turned to walk away, then stopped. Looked back. “You know what’s funny? I always thought we were the same. Both legacy kids, both playing the game, both pretending to be what our fathers wanted. But at least I’m honest about being an asshole. You’re just lying to yourself.”
He walked away before I could respond, and I stood there on the pathway, my heart pounding in my chest.
Marcus was right. I was lying to myself. About who I was. About what I wanted. About everything.
But I had just taken one small step toward being the person who I actually wanted to be... the person I actually was.
***
The library was nearly empty by ten PM.
Just a few scattered students on the third floor, hunched over laptops in their own private pools of lamplight. The silence felt heavy, broken only by the occasional rustle of pages or the soft click of keyboards.
I sat in a dark wood cubicle near the law section, staring at my laptop screen.
Pre-Law Seminar: Legal Brief Analysis
Topic: Perjury and False Testimony Under Oath
I’d been staring at it for twenty minutes. The cursor blinked in the empty document, patient and accusing.
Perjury. Lying under oath. Providing false testimony with intent to deceive.
I opened the first case study—United States v. Dunnigan.
A defendant commits perjury when they knowingly make a false statement under oath that is material to the case at hand...
The words swam on the screen.
The intent to deceive is central to establishing perjury...
Every conversation with my father. Every time he asked if I was seeing anyone. Every time I said no, or changed the subject, or let him assume I was interested in women.
Material statements are those which could affect the outcome...
I closed the case study.
My hands moved to the keyboard, and I started typing. Not the legal brief. Something else.
What would I need to do to stop lying to myself?
The question sat there on the screen my fingers kept moving.
I would need to admit that I’m gay. Not just think it in passing moments when I’m alone. Not just feel it when Liam looks at me. Actually admit it. Say it out loud.
My chest felt tight but I didn’t stop.
I would need to tell someone. Maybe Derek. Maybe Ethan, except I destroyed that friendship. Maybe no one at first. Maybe just say it to myself in the mirror and let that be enough for a while. No, that’d be weird.
The words kept coming, faster now.
I would need to face my father and tell him the truth about who I am.
