“I gave my word to a lady. I kept that word.” Flynn glanced at his pocket watch, the once relaxed air in the room charged with tension.
“At the detriment of our friendship.”
“You are such a prat.” He shoved the watch back into his pocket, a tick forming in his jaw. “On that sour note, I will bid you adieu. You two can stay here and finish your conversation. I will talk with you later when cooler heads prevail.”
With a stiff bow, he disappeared again, gone but not forgotten. Once I returned to my house, I would have more words with him. He had a lot to answer to. “Why did you keep this from me?”
“I said nothing because it didn’t seem worth upsetting you over. The only thing it would have accomplished was ill will between all parties.”
“You were right.” I stood and began to pace. “I am upset with both of you.”
“You knew my father quite well. He was formidable and frightening. When the two of you proposed on the same day, I was overwhelmed because I liked you both.”
“But not love?”
“At seventeen, I wasn’t sure about anything. What did I know? I was barely out of the schoolroom.”
Every word that hit my ears added to my anguish. “At eighteen, I knew I was in love with you. I was honest about my feelings for you, and I trusted you when you said you loved me.”
“I was infatuated with both you and Flynn. I didn’t know who to pick at the time. You both possessed very appealing traits. My father claimed it was Flynn’s morals that made him choose you.”
“But it was my title.” I had carried that fear when I set out to court Eleanor. Short of marrying a prince, there was no higher status than a duke.
“To my father, it was all important. To me, it was your kindness that placed you at the top of my list. Flynn was exciting, and devil may care, and when I was with him, I gave in to my impetuous manner.”
“Flynn was fun while I was boring but steady.” I didn’t like her explanation any more than the reasons for this conversation in the first place.
“You were never boring. Steady and dependable are much more desirable in the long run. We have had a very prosperous marriage, and I don’t regret the decision to marry you, no matter who made it.” She approached, her gaze locked with mine. “What matters is that I love you now.”
“No, I beg to differ.” My jaw ached from clenching it. “For years, I told the children about our grand love affair and how we had been destined to be together. The only destiny that intervened was your father and his thirst for a grand title.”
“I still believe we were destined to be together. We have three wonderful children, and if I had to go back, I would do it all over again with you.”
The betrayal still cut deep and a fierce need to know everything kept me grounded. “How do you feel about Flynn?”
“He is a dear friend to both of us. I suppose I love him. Since I have known him for over twenty years.” Caution rested in her eyes. “I also desire him, as do you.”
I couldn’t dispute her claim. “You said you were once infatuated with him. Do you still hold those feelings for him?” I had to know all.
“I agreed to this affair because it was, in part, what we all wanted. I will not lie and claim I have no deeper feelings for him than lust. However, I put the same question to you. The twoof you had a brief affair at Oxford at the same time you were courting me. What areyourfeelings toward Flynn?”
She had turned the tables on me, and I didn’t like where the question had landed. “Romantic love between a man and a woman is acceptable. Passion between two men is taboo.”
“So I am being judged through a different lens?” Chin lifted, she glowered at me. We rarely argued in the past. That had changed apparently, along with everything else between us. “It is acceptable for you to love more than one person at a time, yet I can only love one man?”
“That isn’t what I am saying. I was never in love with Flynn. We are friends, and lust isn’t the same as love.” My physical desire for him hadn’t waned, and I wasn’t truly convinced by my own words. Lust was a powerful motivator. Our aggressive coupling had been a revelation, and the way he pleasured me with the dildo was indescribable.
“Nor is infatuation truly love. He excited me at the time. I won’t deny that, nor will I apologize for it.” She stood and went to pull the servants’ bell. “Our tryst has proven my lust for him is alive and well. I can’t deny that either.”
“Flynn warned me this might stir the pot of our marriage.” Little did I know it would simmer over into dangerous territory. The emotional impact was too raw to absorb, and I ran my hand through my hair, unable to continue with the conversation.
“Better to stir the pot than let it boil dry,” Eleanor snapped. She turned to the maid who entered and instructed the woman to fetch our outerwear.
I waited for the maid to leave before saying, “We needed to air our grievances. I thought it would help. Now I’m not so sure.” I stared outside at the rain-splashed glass, wishing I could turn back the clock and we’d never have this exchange. That wasn’t possible. I had been living under an illusion. The hurt continued to cut through me, my feelings complicated by our affair. “Thequestion is, how do we fix what is broken? It is glaringly obvious that an affair wasn’t the most brilliant idea.”
“Agreed. I think it complicated things. The simple fact is, I have no idea where we go from here.” She wrapped her arms around her waist, her lower lip quivering. “I do love you. Please never doubt it. My feelings for Flynn were superficial at the time. Now, I can’t say for sure what they are. I desire him, Rex. I know you do as well. Flynn isn’t the issue in our marriage. We are.”
No matter how upset I was with her, I hated to see her cry. I pulled her into my arms. We were at a crossroads and could either travel down it together, ruts and all or go our separate ways. We’d been living separate lives all along, and I never noticed. Or perhaps I had chosen to ignore the reality that the fairytale I thought I was living in was nothing more than an illusion.
