Yes, I was messy. So what?
He straightened quickly, never taking his eyes off me. “You’re making fun of me,” I continued, slipping off the sandals I’d put on when my feet had started to get cold.“This amuses you, doesn’t it? You like driving me crazy”. I threw his own words back at him, the ones he had said to me a year ago, in that kitchen.He remembered them too, I saw it in the way his gaze darkened.“Telling me you wouldn’t come near me anymore, then following me,” I went on, stepping closer while he stayedstill, watching me. “Ignoring me for more than a week, only for me to find you here. Acting like I belong to you”.I murmured the words as I placed my palm against his stomach.He closed his eyes, inhaling sharply, his muscles tightening beneath my touch, “Sienna,” he murmured, his breath brushing my forehead.I slowly lifted my gaze to his face and met his eyes, blue, cold, peace.“Why are you here, Sasha?” I asked, gently pulling my hand away but he caught it and placed it against his chest. Over his heart, “I am where you are, Sienna,” he said, his gaze never leaving mine, “I always will be, no matter our promises, our fights, our anger. I will always be here”I felt his heartbeat beneath my palm.
His hand released mine, but I didn’t pull away, I didn’t want to. Seeing that I kept the contact, he slid his hand to my neck, his thumb gently tracing my jawline, still marked with haldi. “What is this?” he asked as I tried to catch my breath, but it was impossible with him. Especially after what he had just said. Sometimes I missed his cold, withdrawn nature. It would have made things so much simpler. “Haldi,” I murmured, moistening my lips, his gaze dropped to my mouth and he inhaled deeply. “Haldi,” he repeated, nodding slowly. “It’s a tradition. They apply it to the bride’s body. It symbolizes purification, blessing, protection, and fertility”. I explained as he leaned closer, his nose brushing my neck.
“Hmmm. But it seems to me you’re not the bride,” he whispered, his second hand sliding over my bare waist, making me shiver, “otherwise, we’re going to have a very big problem, and an even bigger one with the Indian mafia once I kill the groom”. His lips grazed my skin as I clutched his shoulder.
“Sasha,” I breathed, why? I didn’t know. When he touched me, I forgot everything. “Fuck, I missed your scent,” he murmured, kissing my neck and I closed my eyes, I had missed him too. His scent. His voice. His touch. One week had felt like a year. Threemonths like an eternity. How was I supposed to stay away from him, when a single week had been enough to drive me insane, seeing him but not touching him, not feeling his warmth?
The hand that was gripping his shoulder slid up to his nape, and a moan escaped me when he nipped at my skin before sucking gently. My nails dug into his flesh, making him growl against my neck.
“Ah, the good old days when I could still have a little fun,” Wendy’s voice suddenly whispered inside my head, and I grimaced.
She was dead. She wasn’t real. I tried to focus on Sasha’s breath against my skin, on the heat beneath my fingers, but she refused to be silent. She always waited for moments like this to haunt me.
“I’m dead? And whose fault is that, little viper?” she said, and I suddenly froze. “Little viper… that’s what he calls you, isn’t it?” she mocked, and I swallowed hard.
This past year, I had almost managed to silence her. I was almost free. But this whole video with Emilio and the meeting with the Italians had awakened old memories, old, painful memories. Sasha pulled back slowly, his brows furrowing, “Sienna?” he called, taking my face between his hands, his dark gaze searching mine. The tenderness in his eyes stole my breath. That tenderness made me vulnerable, weak. “Tell me what’s wrong,Angel,” he murmured desperately. “Please, Sienna. Just tell me. Whatever it is, we’ll find a solution. I’ll find a solution”. He rested his forehead against mine, and I closed my eyes, tears pooling beneath my lids. I wanted so badly to trust him. I wanted to let go with my entire being, with my body, my soul, my heart. But he would never accept what I was. Never. And… he deserveda real family like his brothers. He would never have that with me.
I shook my head gently and stepped back, lifting the hem of my dress as I turned away, “I’m going to take a shower,” I said, grabbing the travel bag I had brought with me. “Sienna,” he called after me, but I didn’t turn around, I closed the bathroom door behind me, his presence a burning fire just on the other side, but I didn’t dare look back.
A tear escaped when his fist struck the wall on the other side. His presence was a sweet torture behind the door. A torture that would haunt me until the end of my days.
I startled when my phone suddenly vibrated against my hip. I pulled it from the folds of my sari and opened the message I had just received from Esme, she had received information from the girls in Canada.
I closed my eyes and sighed softly before turning toward the mirror above the sink. I looked at myself. At the wreck I had become. I was past the point of no return. There was nothing left to save in me. But in the Ivanovs,yes. Starting with my nephews and niece. I would protect them. I would make sure this merger happened, no matter the cost.
I left the bathroom after a long shower, dressed in cotton pajamas printed with little hearts, and thank God I hadn’t brought my nightgowns. I closed the door softly so as not to wake Sasha, who was already under the covers, turned away from me. I stared at the bed for a moment as if it were a deadly trap, then sighed and lifted the covers to slip into bed, turning my back to him as well. I closed my eyes, waiting for sleep to claim me, but froze when I felt him move behind me. I frowned as I felt the mattress dip, my body sliding slightly backward, and my breath caught when he pressed his bare chest against my back, his arm wrapping around my waist to keep meagainst him. “Sasha…” I breathed, but he stopped me, his fingers brushing my hair away from my neck before his lips grazed it.
“Just one night, Sienna. Let me hold you for one night please,” he murmured, and I closed my eyes at the plea in his voice. “Are your nightmares back?” I asked, remembering the night he had confessed he suffered from them, and that since we had been sleeping together, he barely had them anymore. He had never told me what they were about, and I had never pushed. We all had our secrets, and I was no one to him, neither before nor now. “Hmm,” he answered simply and I nodded and turned within his arms, wrapping my body around his, my face against his chest. His hold tightened around me, one of his hands settling against my side, right over one of the few scars I carried, making me shiver. His scent intoxicated me, his warmth soothing my skin and my soul.
I had glimpsed the fragile boy beneath his mask more than once. I had brushed against his vulnerability, his weaknesses, things I wanted to shield and protect from the world. Things I wanted to heal, “sleep. I’ll keep them away,” I murmured, gently rubbing his back.
I felt him freeze against me but paid no attention, beginning to hum the lullaby my mother and Selina used to sing to me when I was just a child. Long minutes passed as I felt him slowly relax against me, his warm breath brushing my forehead, his breathing lulling me in return. Little by little, sleep began to claim me as well. “Never,” he whispered as my eyes closed softly, “I’ll never let you go, Sienna. I won’t let anything come between us.”
Those were the last words I heard before I fell asleep, before bad memories turned into nightmares, the phantom pain of the scar beneath his resting hand making me flinch.
Six years earlier, Las Vegas
I opened the fridge in the club’s shared kitchen, looking for something to eat as dawn was about to break. I had just finished with a client, and the club was plunged into a deep silence, everyone was either asleep or very busy with their own affairs. I had taken a quick shower without even bothering to dry my hair, and I needed to swallow something before passing out and before getting ready to join Kenji, who was going to drive us to Ganesh’s place. Today, Ashwin was going to teach me a jiu-jitsu hold I had wanted to learn for a very long time.
Suddenly, I heard the kitchen door close behind me, and I turned around, adjusting the cardigan over my white nightgown. I frowned when I saw one of the girls locking the door.
“Hanna?” I called out as she stayed pressed against the door, her back to me. Hanna was older than me, I was nineteen and she was twenty-two and it showed clearly. She was much taller than I was and a little fuller too. “Hanna, is everything okay?” I called again, taking a step toward her as I closed the fridge door behind me but I froze when she turned around, a knife trembling in her hand, her eyes red.
“I’m sorry, Sienna, I have to,” she sobbed, and I felt my heart start to race. She had locked the door. We were on the third floor, a fall would be serious, and anyway the windows were locked. There was no way out. “Talk to me, Hanna. Tell me what’s going on,” I asked, raising my hands in front of me as my eyes searched for something to defend myself with but there was nothing. Even the knives were plastic. The Master would never risk having real ones around; sometimes some girls sank far too deep into despair.
“You shouldn’t have done that, Sienna,” she went on, shaking her head as my mind raced. What was she talking about? Had the Master sent her? Had he found out about Ganesh?No. The Master was far too vicious for something so simple, he would have preferred to watch me suffer with his own eyes. “Youshouldn’t have provoked Mother. You shouldn’t have stolen the Master from her,” she said, pointing the knife in my direction, and I took a step back.
So Katy had sent her. I knew something like this would happen. For years she had tried to turn the other girls against me, but she had never succeeded and I wasn’t going to let her win now either.
“You don’t have to do this, Hanna. You don’t have to listen to her…” “Yes! I do!” she suddenly shouted, tears spilling down her cheeks. “She… she took my little sister. If I don’t listen to her, she’s going to present her to the Master,” she cried, shaking her head. “She’s only thirteen.” My breath caught,thirteen. Like Valentina had been. “I can help you,” I tried to convince her, yes, with Ganesh’s help, I could help her. “Let me help you. Put the knife down and let’s talk,” I said, taking another step toward her but she shook her head. “The only way to help her is for you to die,” she said and then she lunged at me with the knife.
My body reacted on its own, shifting aside as the words and training of Ashwin, Kamal, and Kenji echoed through every cell of me. Hanna crashed against the fridge door as I rushed toward the exit, trying to open it. I had to get out, I had to avoid her. I was afraid, afraid of what I might do to survive. Hanna was innocent, I didn’t want the Master and Mother to win again. I didn’t want to become more of a monster than I already was. I didn’t want to. I grabbed the handle, but before I could unlock it, Hanna’s scream warned me that she was charging at me again. I dodged her once more. “Please, Hanna,” I said, breathless, my heart pounding so loudly it echoed in my ears. “Stop” but she hadn’t been listening for a long time now.
She lunged at me again, without thinking, without planning, without technique, like a madwoman. I stepped aside, raising my left arm, her knife grazed my side, and I closed my arm around hers, trapping it and twisting it with the force of mybody. She screamed as I tried to make her drop the knife. But she was bigger and stronger than I was. Her hand wrapped around my throat and shoved me back. My back slammed violently against the hard surface of the dining table, a groan tearing from my lips as my toes barely touched the floor. She managed to free her arm from my grip and raised the knife above my face but my foot was already striking her stomach, sending her staggering back. Her nails tore into the skin of my neck as she lost her balance. She grabbed onto the counter to steady herself while I straightened up, coughing but before I could catch my breath, she was already rushing at me again.
I dropped to the floor, landing on all fours as the knife plunged into the table, right where I had been a second earlier. She was going to kill me. She wasn’t going to stop. And I had to survive. I hadn’t gone through all of this to die like this. I had to save my sister. I had to find Valentina. I had to survive. I started to retreat on my backside, my bare legs burning against the icy tiles, my damp hair sticking to my cheeks. “Stop resisting!” she screamed, stepping toward me and I struck her knee. It buckled and she fell to her knees, the knife slipping from her grasp as I sprang up instantly. I slid behind her, my arm locking around her neck, and I began to choke her. She struggled, her fingers clawing at my arm, my cheeks. The back of her head slammed into my mouth, pain exploding through me, but I didn’t let go, even as the taste of blood flooded my mouth. Hanna coughed, gagged, choked. I heard voices behind the door, people trying to open it, failing. “Please, Sienna,” Hanna suddenly sobbed as her face turned redder and redder. “Please.”
