“He took my pistol and nearly refused to return it, grandmother. I use it for protection. That was unnecessary and high-handed. I’m not so sure giving into him is something that I can do, but I promise not to castrate him before I know if he truly needs it for the betterment of England.”
Her grandmother chuckled. “Thank you, my dear.”
Lilli waited two months to send the notification to the Duke of Weston. She informed her staff of her leaving as she did the duke, succinctly.
“As you likely know, Lady Elizabeth St. Matthews has gone to her heavenly reward and I am here for another day before I go in search of my absent father. If I find he is no longer alive, I shall have no recourse but to submit to the guardianship until my twenty-fifth birthday. If he is alive, I shall bring back proof, and we shall consider this matter dealt with.”
She didn’t want to have done with the issue of guardianship, nor did she care to locate her absent father, but what was there to do? Oliver had not checked on her even once. Lilli supposed, once she grew past the pain of that realization, she would be able to appreciate his hands-off approach to her life. However, at the moment, she was too fragile to see the benefits. The one timeshe would have welcomed his interference, he was nowhere to be found.
After dealing with the monthly wages early, the staff’s other needs and paying the bills for the month, it was time to send the letter to Oliver and mount her horse. She decided it would not be prudent to go without her maid, but she had no idea how long she would be. Better the staff take care of home, and she would take a footman with her to return her horse to the stables after she had gained passage on the carriage to take her to her father’s family. There was a good chance that was as far as she would need to go. She would decide more once she was there.
Time to find her father. With her bag and her loaded pistols, one of which Oliver returned soon after relieving her of it, she is ready. The first several days on the coach was a lesson in the way others lived. Public transport would have sent any one of her relatives into seclusion. She was made of sterner stuff. She hoped.
However, it was a better choice than going on horseback or bringing the estate carriage. Both would have made her more vulnerable, and traveling alone was doing that as it was. The women on the coach were divided in their reception of Lilli traveling alone and of many other subjects. As they bounced along the poorly maintained roads, the conversations bore out the variety of backgrounds these women had. The more raw the life, the safer Lilli felt.
On the traveling issue, Lilli had experienced what could happen when women were the lone passengers, but it didn’t mean women could not be a lone traveler amongst others. What did become abundantly clear was she was made of sterner stuff than most.
By day four, Lilli didn’t care to discuss anything further, including the scandal of not bringing her maid, so she simply said it was a surprise for her father. Indeed, it would be if sheever found him. The rickety, rolling coach kicked up more dust than one could anticipate, having its inhabitants wonder for a little rain. Then it rained, and the mud was more intolerable. She needed to be done with this whole disastrous venture.
She found her father’s people just where she had always been told they were. After spending a week with them, people she had never met and had heard very little about, she left feeling more disheartened than when she began this journey. They were kind enough but strangers that had no connection with her or her life besides blood. The tears burned in her chest until they flowed one evening. She mourned for the loss of her grandmother and the security that she took with her. The selfishness of a father who had no strength of character or responsibility. And she cried for her need of Oliver but his obvious lack of need of her.
She wondered how Oliver would accept her choices. He would be livid if he knew where she was and how she arrived. He likely did know by now, and that brought all kinds of concerns about what he would do with that knowledge. She envisioned him pacing and cursing her. He hated when she took risks. This was a monstrous one that so far, hadn’t paid off.
Also, she wondered if he would reject her reasoning for making the choice of searching for her absent parent or would he applaud the efforts so he would be off the hook to be her guardian. And that possibility lowered her mood even further, much to her dismay. Why that was, she didn’t want to examine at this point in her journey. She missed home already and the familiarity of her days.
She had not been welcomed more than a surprise visitor but not a completely rejected one. Evidently her grandparents were all gone here as well and many of her father’s close family lived in her grandparents’ home. There was little doubt that another person within those walls would be a challenge. It was another jolt in realizing how alone she actually was.
Her final night at her father’s family home was tense. “Do you mean to stay here now that you have none of your mother’s relatives?” asked her aunt.
“No, why would you think that? Did you not know that I have my own property?”
“Well, we had heard from your father that there was a provision that the females in the family would get an estate but one never knows with him. I’m sorry to say that to you, but it is the truth.”
“Well, I have not known him these last nine years. He was an honorable man when I knew him but that was nearly half of my life ago. And fear not, milady. I will not stay. If you would direct me to where you believe my father is and any final bits of information that may help me, I would appreciate that. I don’t believe I shall be this way again, but feel free to have a visit with me in the future.”
The relief in the room was palatable. It had become more than obvious that she was in a home that lived under strained circumstance. Lilli took her leave the next day.
After day twelve, she would have wished the duke to find her whatever the cost. Her mind wandered during the time in the coach. She wanted to hear his deep voice, and to cuddle her soft pillows on her bed. She wanted a well-made cup of tea and even a scorching scolding from the Duke would have been acceptable.
This day, they set off with two women and two gentlemen and a young lad. Her destination was the next village over where her father was said to frequent. The sudden attack of bandits startled her, but instinct took over. She swore that she would never again be helpless in an attack. Living on the estate and learning things from their grounds and gamekeeper Ewan taught her how to aim quickly and fire accurately. However, this creature coming in her direction was a man, not a deer for the vegetables or fox after the chickens.
Her chest was tight. Her breathing increased and with several deliberately slow breaths she was focused. Now a much steadier hand controlled her firearm. She aimed her pistol and fired. The discharge was deafening in the chaos. She watched one of the men fall off his horse and hit the ground.
The man beside him turned to fire in her direction. Amidst the screaming of the other woman and the yelling of one male passenger for the woman to sit down and be quiet, her armed neighbor shot and another man fell from his horse beside the bandit she had shot. Lilli was shaking and nearly dropped her gun. The coachmen shot their own weapons while the coach lurched forward and the attack was over almost before it began.
As the threat was left far behind them, adrenaline coursed through her veins, leaving her heart racing and her hands trembling without the absolute ability to calm them. In the aftermath, she found herself yearning for the comforting presence of the Duke of Weston more than ever. One thing had been pounded into her on this journey—she was alone. Truly alone.
She was not entirely certain why his appearance and presence came to her mind; except he was the only man who had come to her rescue in recent times. The only one who seemed to care about her welfare past her mother and grandmothers, who were no longer with her. Tears she desperately tried to hold back sent a hard frisson of tingles through her body ending in her nose.
He was the only man she could remember defending her, chastising her, or taking his time to know who she was as a woman and a person. She supposed he was simply being a gentleman, but deep down, she suspected—no hoped, it was more than that.
Several hours later, still shaken by the encounter, the coach stopped for the night, and she sought refuge at a nearby inn.The public house where the coach had stopped was overrun with travelers and she simply couldn’t imagine the crush of people tonight. All she wanted was to curl up and find some comfort. She desperately tried to compose herself and push back the rising tide of emotions threatening to overwhelm her. The memories of the horrid afternoon that she lost her mother came flooding back, suffocating her senses. She was so alone here, and in this world.
The innkeeper showed her where her room would be and asked if she would like a nice hot cup of tea and some cake to help her deal with the aftermath.
“Thank you, that would be lovely. And I may need more than one cup.” She tried to give him a smile, but it was too difficult.
“Aye, lass, I imagine you will. Is there someone local we could send for?”
