I cannot.
“Can you take my arm, Norah?” Her words came out in a rush, her heart beating painfully. Her friend responded at once, taking Beatrice’s arm in her own and leading her into Gunters. Beatrice did not let her gaze linger on Lord Surrey, did not look at him again, but instead held her eyes steady as she looked ahead, telling herself that above all things, she had to remaincomposed. No one save Norah knew of the connection between them. No one but her had heard his whisper of love.
And that was all it was, she realized, a whisper. Sitting down heavily in a chair as Lady Norah sat down opposite, Beatrice dropped her head forward and looked down at her clasped hands. There was nothing for her now but a memory, a memory of their kiss, of his hope-filled declaration. There could be nothing between them again, and it was best, if she could, to do her utmost to forget him.
“Are you all right?” Lady Norah leaned forward as Beatrice took in a long breath, filling her lungs with air and trying her best to keep an expression of calm fixed to her face. “That must have been profoundly difficult.”
Beatrice closed her eyes, gripped her hands in her lap, and nodded. “I am well enough, Norah, I thank you.”
Lady Norah, distracted for a moment by the waiter who wished to know their order for ice, returned her gaze to Beatrice just as quickly. “You are sure?”
Realizing that she had been gripping her hands far too tightly, given how much they now pained her, Beatrice released her fingers slowly and blew out a breath as she did so. “It is what I needed to see, mayhap.” When Lady Norah said nothing more, Beatrice did her best to explain, seeing the curious glint in her eyes. “I have been thinking about Lord Surrey ever since that moment. I have been confused and upset, and yet, at the same time, my heart has still held an affection for him that I wished desperately it did not! When I saw him again, I had so many emotions within my heart, it was difficult to sort one from the other. Indeed, when we spoke and when I saw that he would not tell me the truth, my heart and mind clung to him all the more!”
“And now?”
With another sigh, Beatrice spread out her hands as far as she could. “Now, I have seen him courting another young lady. Is that not clear enough?”
Lady Norah’s lips pursed. “But if he – ”
“If his affection for me still lingered, then there would be nothing to keep us apart,” Beatrice interrupted, aware of just how her heart trembled, how close her resolve was to being completely and utterly shattered again. “I must take what I have seen and set myself away from him. My duty is to find a suitable match, and it is clear now that Lord Surrey cannot be that to me. I must set my mind on someone else.”
Her friend said nothing for a few moments, only to shake her head and look away. “I do wish it could be different for you, my dear Beatrice. After all you have endured, is it not all the more painful for you now?”
“Yes, it is,” Beatrice admitted, as their ices were set down. “But what is there to be done?” Hearing the shake in her voice, she closed her eyes, took in another breath, and then looked again at Norah. “I must marry. But I know now that I shall never be tied to Lord Surrey, as I had once hoped, and I must be contented with that.”
Lady Norah’s smile was sympathetic, full of compassion, and Beatrice’s wounded heart clung to that kindness. “Mayhap it will be that you will find another gentleman, another who will declare himself in love with you, another to whom you can give your heart.”
Beatrice shook her head. “I doubt it,” she answered, picking up her spoon and digging it into the ice. “A match of practicality, of suitability –thatis what I think I shall find. I would be very surprised indeed if my heart could give up Lord Surrey so very easily.”
“Even with all that has happened between you?”
“I do not understand it myself,” Beatrice admitted, with a wry smile. “Despite everything, my heart still holds to him, and I fear, despite my best intentions, it always shall.”
7
Two weeks later
George walked into Lord and Lady Falconer’s ballroom, his hands behind his back and his head held high as he surveyed the crowd. He had been out at an occasion nearly every evening for the last fortnight and had not had any true enjoyment at any of them. At every one, he had found his gaze searching the crowd for a face other than the one he wasmeantto be looking for. And each time, when he had seen her, he had been forced to turn away.
I was the one who told her we must be as strangers,he reminded himself, scowling.I am the one who said that there could be nothing but friendship between us.
He stood there for some minutes, looking out at everyone but saying nothing to a single soul. There was nothing in him that wanted to speak, nothing that he desired to say. His thoughts were much too heavy.
“Lord Surrey! You did not come to find me as quickly as I have sought to find you.”
Starting at the sharp tone of Miss Burnley’s voice, George looked at her with a frown. “Good evening, Miss Burnley. I have only just arrived.”
“And yet you have stood here for some minutes!” she exclaimed, her eyes narrowing just a little as she put her hands to her waist. “We are meant to be courting, are we not?”
George gritted his teeth. Whilst Miss Burnley could be charming whenever she wished to be, there was a selfishness and a sharpness to her that he did not much like. “You know very well what the arrangement is.”
“Then you ought to be pursuing me,” she pouted, her hands falling to her sides. “It should be apparent to thetonthat you are very interested in my company, that you want nothing more than to be with me whenever you can be! And that means – ”
“That means that I shall do just as I please and just as I think best,” George interrupted, making her lips thin and flatten together. “Whilst I value your thoughts, Miss Burnley, I will not be held to them.”
She lifted her chin a notch, her eyes glittering. “You disappoint me, Lord Surrey,” she said, as George looked away from her. “Anyone would think that you do not much like my company.”
“If you continue to speak to me in such a manner, then I can assure you that there will be not even the smallest measure of amicability between us,” George said, growing weary of her complaints. “I had every intention of coming to find you and to make sure my name was on your dance card. You simply did not give me enough time.”
