The three of them exchanged looks before Aya reached over and laid her hand on my arm.
“There isn’t a problem withus, and I doubt there’ll be a problem with our guys.But Steve…he’s another issue altogether.”Aya grimaced.“I’m guessing you told us this because he pushed you away, and you don’t know how to go about pursuing anything romantic with him.Or if you should.”
My shoulders slumped, mostly because I was relieved the girls weren’t upset, but also because Aya’s words reverberated against my insecurities, causing them the grow…and grow…and grow.
“I’m not sure I should, but not because I don’t want to.He locks down his emotions so tightly.”I scowled.“I know he’s been hurt, and bad, but that kind of repression can’t be good for him.”
“I’m sure it isn’t,” Aya said.“I don’t know why he’s the way he is—just that Nash told me Steve had a very rough childhood.”
Aya held my gaze.Her eyes were an unusual color—almost purple.So lovely against her tanned skin and black lashes and brows.She’d always been a stunning girl.She was prone to thinking for extended periods before acting, which made her Nash’s perfect foil.Much as I loved that boy, he used to leap before he looked, which caused him all kinds of problems.
But Aya slowed him down, added a hint of caution to his life.More than a hint now that Levi joined their family.Nash doted on his wife and infant son—just as a man should.
“You’re telling us this because you want to pursue something with Steve?”Kate asked.
I turned my attention to my daughter.Her red curls framed her lovely, pale face.Her wide, lustrous eyes remained dark, as if shadows ate at her.Ones I worried I’d brought forth.
I lifted my hand and placed my palm on her hand, squeezing gently.
“I care for him, and I’d like a companion.”I sucked my lower lip into my mouth, wondering if it was appropriate to tell my daughter and the girls that I might be past my youth, but I had this desire to be touched, to be loved and worshipped just as I assumed they did.
“You’re lonely,” Kate said.Surprise colored her tone, and she frowned.“I didn’t realize.”
Kate was the only one of us to love her father; I’d tolerated Laurence for my kids’ sake but come to dislike him over the years.Not so much because of his affairs—those left me numb and, at times, even thankful that I wouldn’t have to share a bed with him.No, my anger stemmed from his treatment of Camden.For that, I hoped Laurence burned in eternal damnation.
But I couldn’t tell my baby girl of my secret dreams for her father.She’d brought out the best in Laurence, and she’d had a loving relationship with him.
From the corner of my eye, I watched Jenna frown, and I marveled at how she walked the line between Cam’s disgust and Kate’s love for Laurence.
“My friendships dried up once I realized how bad the situation was between Cam and Laurence.I didn’t leave the ranch when they were both here because I didn’t want your daddy to hurt Cam further…” I blew out a breath.“It was messy and…and difficult to navigate.And I did it wrong too often.I know that.”
“I never understood why you didn’t leave him,” Kate said, with a twist to her lip.
“I would have,” I admitted, sneaking a glance at her.“In fact, I planned to leave the day I found out Laurence hit Cam, but…well…he caught wind of my plans, I suppose, and he emptied out our joint bank accounts.I hadn’t been smart enough to put money in just my name.”I shrugged.
Jenna narrowed her eyes.“He took away your ability to leave?”
I shot Kate a glance, noting her deep frown and the misery that tugged at her mouth.
“I’m sorry I just realized that you don’t really go out with ladies your age,” Aya said, pulling us off the difficult topic that was Laurence.She shot me a sympathetic look.
“I never knew”—Kate’s mouth twisted—“if those women you used to visit with were friendly with you because they liked you or if they were friendly in order to have a reason to come out to the ranch and getrealfriendly with my father.”
“I know this is hard for you, Kate…”
“Don’t worry about me,” she said fiercely.“I know you love me.All of you.”She smiled, and it was bright.“And Rye’s the best thing to happen to me.Though I may be even more in love with Ike than I am with his daddy.”
“Smart choice,” Jenna said.“That boy is easy to love.”
“He is.”Kate turned back to me, her expression cloudy.“Ihatethat I didn’t realize how lonely you were, Mama.That you’d created and enforced an exile to protect us kids.You shouldn’t punish yourself for Daddy’s actions.”
Weighing my words against the history of my marriage, I inhaled for an extended breath and exhaled even slower.“I think you’re right, but I didn’t notice that was what I was doing.At the time, I was overloaded, trying to manage the days, manage the suffering.”
“Then you were licking your wounds,” Jenna said with a decisive nod.“But now that they’re healed over enough, you’re ready to find a lover.”
Kate grunted and pulled her arm free from my touch, crossing it over her belly.“I’ll get used to the idea, but I don’t think I’ll enjoy talking about you taking a lover, Mama.That’s a bit too real.”
I chuckled.“I thought of all that.Which is why we won’t talk about me dating outside that euphemism.”
