“Why are you getting involved in your teammate’s love life?”
She asked the question as if it were simple, but my heart heard the accusation there. She was the only woman I’d met who I could see myself with forever—not just be with but be happy with. But I’d put Vivian in danger. I hadn’t meant to, but that didn’t matter. We could never be more than just friends—if we could even truly be that. I was pretty sure we couldn’t, and that meant I would eventually have to let her go. With that, my heart sank to my shoes. Why had I thought I could handle this? “Once I have more details, I’ll be in touch,” I said with gruff finality.
Her sharp inhalation caused my pulse to race. “Please, Lennon… Don’t.” Her voice cracked on the last word.
I dream about you. I’m in love with you. The words sizzled on the tip of my tongue. They clung, bitter and yet so sweet. But just because I felt that way didn’t mean I could act on my feelings, and leading Vivi on was cruel.
I needed to stop interacting with her. For good.
“Goodbye, Vivi.”
Chapter 10
Chapter
Vivian
* * *
Staring at my darkened phone screen, my stomach collapsed in on itself and seemed to shrivel. Just like my heart. “Bye, Lennon,” I whispered, blinking back tears. I’d heard it in his voice; he was telling me goodbye forever. More than likely, if he contacted me again, we’d be back to text. And I doubted he’d do that.
Why had he changed his mind about me—about us. We had been an us. From the first moment I met Lennon Cruz, I’d felt an intense connection. Over a mere few days, that crush had bloomed into love. And I couldn’t shake it.
In fact, my feelings for Lennon were destroying my life. As much as I wanted to be angry with him for hurting me, I couldn’t be. I was a nurse; I’d seen how trauma affected people’s decisions. Rarely was it logical or even in their best interest. My professional assessment was that Lennon had been more deeply impacted by those men’s assault than he would admit. Because of that and because I, on some level, reminded him of that attack, he’d pulled away.
I understood, which was part of why I hadn’t pushed him. But that didn’t mean I had to like it. In fact, I loathed this current situation with as much intensity as I loved Lennon.
Tears burned my eyes. I didn’t want to live this way. I didn’t want to be ruled by my emotions. I didn’t want Lennon Cruz to have such sway over me. I didn’t want to lose him, but I already had—if I’d ever actually had him in the first place. We had fun. Then it ended in violence, pain, and blood.
We were over.
Taking a deep breath, I pushed past the pain in my chest. Okay. I should start looking in to buying a house and building a life, one that did not involve Lennon Cruz. Because he’d been loud and clear in what he hadn’t said to me today: He was not and would never be interested in pursuing a relationship with me.
I spoke aloud to the empty room. “I should have tried with Chad.”
Chadwick Henderson III was an anesthesiologist who often consulted with my patients before one of the oncology specialists operated. We’d clashed over a patient last month when I’d been told to up their dose of sedative before a surgery. I’d done so because that was my job—to follow the attending doctor’s orders—but Chad had been angry, as he’d had to push back the operating time.
We’d come out of the experience more aware of each other, but I’d still been hung up on Lennon, uninterested in pursuing anything with him. Still, I respected his work and ethics, and he seemed to like me for those reasons, too.
After a few long conversations in the staff room, he’d asked me to get coffee after one of our shifts. I’d agreed so I didn’t have to go home to my empty apartment.
But for the duration of our coffee and scone, we’d talked about work. We had little else in common. That was pretty much the story of my dating life. The only man I’d felt a real, deep connection with was Lennon, and now we didn’t have a future.
At this moment, I missed my mom more than ever. She always made laugh and feel better about a situation, about how to get through it. I’d promised my mother I’d live my life to the fullest. But something had been missing from the moment she’d left it.
Perhaps that was why I’d latched onto Lennon so quickly. I hated being alone. And much as I didn’t want to admit it, I wasn’t happy at work, and I didn’t think I could become happy with my current workload.
I was at my best with about half, maybe a third, as many patients—not because I couldn’t do the work; I could and did manage my patients’ needs each day. However, I couldn’t give so many patients the one-on-one focus they deserved. And because I couldn’t do that, I was less invested, less enthusiastic about getting out of bed and doing the same rat race yet again.
Thankfully, moments later, Hana’s staccato burst of knocks sounded on my door, pulling me from my melancholy. I jumped off the couch and threw open the door. I was glad she was here to commiserate with. Though I’d rather she spilled the tea on her former relationship with Paxton Naese. Holding in my questions about that was going to be brutal. But I didn’t want to jeopardize the possibility of reconciliation, so I’d be biting my tongue. For now.
“Um…I’ll just head back to my place.”
I must have come on a little strong. “You absolutely will not leave me to my sour mood, Hana.” I smiled and opened the door wider for her to enter. I bit my cheek to keep from blurting out that her ex-boyfriend was desperate to get in touch with her.
Hana raised her eyebrows, her doe eyes delving deep into me as she settled on the couch. “Hmm… I’m sorry to hear you’re in the same situation. What’s going on?”
I licked my lower lip. “I…don’t know where to start.”
