Now even more, I wished for my mom’s cocoa. It was so much more comforting than a cool glass of Chardonnay.
“Want some onigiri?” I asked.
We had a tiny, hole-in-the-wall restaurant two doors down that served some of the best Japanese cuisine I’d ever tasted.
Hana hesitated a beat too long before she shook her head and dropped her gaze to the floor. Ah, she was in a financial crunch. That’s why we lived here, in this building. It was relatively affordable—for the Bay Area—and safe. That meant I could power through another thousand dollars a month on my loan payments. Based on my current trajectory, I’d be out from under those in five years.
“You seem preoccupied,” Hana said. “I’ll go.”
What had we been talking about? Right. I’d asked if she wanted takeout. “No, no. Don’t leave. Please. I had a rough day and could really use the company, so this is my treat. I’m craving the salmon.”
Hana bit her lip as she rolled her head to face me, no doubt to tell me she wasn’t interested in the dinner—something we both knew wasn’t true. But I pulled out my phone and quickly placed an order. “You know onigiri is only good when its fresh, so now you have to help me.”
She placed her hands over her gurgling stomach, trying to silence her hunger pangs.
Hana wasn’t as lucky as I was. I only had student loans to pay off; she had medical debt along with her loans, and I knew she rarely ate out—or probably ate like she should, for that matter. She wasn’t able to make additional payments that drew down the interest and principal. From what I could tell, she was barely making ends meet, which was shocking for such a talented aerospace engineer with what I assumed was a great salary.
“While we wait for the food, tell me what’s going on,” I coaxed. “I mean, I’m glad you’re here, but you don’t often just pop in.”
“I’m sorry. Really. I can go?—”
“That’s the opposite of what I want, Hana. You’re welcome any time. I mean that. I’m glad you’re in the building with me.” I smiled, suddenly aware that she needed a friend just as much as I did.
Her eyes filled with hope as she smiled back. Oh, yes, Hana and I had been friendly, even distant friends, before. But tonight, I hoped we were on our way to a connection. My grin widened, and hers did, too.
“Good. Now that we’ve established our bestie bond, tell me what’s going on,” I said.
“I don’t like my boss.” Hana made a face.
“Jeremy?” I wrinkled my nose. I’d met him a few times when he’d dropped Hana off or picked her up. I didn’t like the guy either, because of how proprietary he was about Hana—like she was his to own. “What’s to like? He’s Silicon Valley slick.” I grimaced. “I dated one of those guys while I was still in nursing school. I couldn’t handle the constant sales pitch.”
Hana pursed her lips, seeming to evaluate my comment. “Yeah…that.” She turned to face me as I settled against the edge of the couch. “On the other hand, he’s smart and ambitious and building a really freaking cool apparatus that will allow us to transport goods to the moon and space.”
“Pssh. Best I can tell, you’re building the apparatus. He’s just writing your check.” And probably not enough of one if Hana couldn’t even grab takeout once in a while. “But what brought this on?” I asked.
She moved her gaze to the fascinating beige-y white of my ceiling, clearly expecting it to have more answers than I did.
“Jeremy asked me out,” she said, her voice soft, nearly regretful. “For the third time. We’ve gone for coffee, gotten dinner at the end of a long workday, but this feels…official. Like he wants to take our relationship to a more significant level.”
“Oh. And you…want to go?” I asked.
“No, that’s the thing. I don’t like Jeremy like that. Or much at all, which is what I realized earlier today. I can’t be with him romantically. Not just because he’s my boss but because…well, I had the love of my life,” Hana said, her voice quieter than usual. “And that’s over. I won’t find that deep of a connection ever again.”
She said it with such certitude; I felt terrible for her.
“You’re young, Hana. I get that you feel that way now, but…who knows? In ten, fifteen years, maybe you’ll find the perfect man.”
We’d be on the cusp of too old to have kids in fifteen years. I frowned, hating that I might miss out on something so important to me because my damn heart refused to give up on Lennon.
Well, it hadn’t been that long, and healing took time. There was every likelihood he’d pull his head out of his rear…and nothing. He didn’t want me; I now reminded him of one of the worst moments in his life, though thankfully he’d been able to return to the NHL. I’d been so worried until I saw his sweater—I’d learned the term as I watched that first game of the season—appear on my screen, along with what I’d learned were some impressive statistics.
Seeing him there, where he clearly belonged, I couldn’t blame him for his change of heart about me—about us. But my stupid heart refused to give up hope.
“The one I lost…he’s my soulmate, Viv,” Hana said with absolute conviction. “There’s no way I’ll ever feel that way about another person.” She sighed. “I’m not saying I couldn’t find contentment, maybe even some pale version of love. But I don’t want that. I’ll know it’s lesser.”
When the delivery guy buzzed, I went down to grab our food as I mulled over Hana’s comments.
I returned to face her once I’d paid the delivery kid. “Are you sure?”
