Dammit.
I stared at the ceiling for far too long, blinking back the sudden sting of tears behind my eyes. I knew what those tearswere about and the more I triednotto think about it, the sharper the tears stung. The more I thought about thewhy.
About the empty bed.
Thecoldand empty bed.
Of course Enzo wasn’t in bed.Ourbed. He’d always been good at disappearing when things got too complicated. No matter how many times I told myself that this time was different—a lot—even I didn’t buy it. Sure, he was probably up late last night making phone calls and ensuring the DeRossi organization was in working order, but that wasn’t what this absence was about.
I felt it.
No, he was already pulling away. Already preparing to go back to his life in California.
“Ugh,” I groaned and rolled onto my side, pressing my face to the pillow so I could exhale through the tightness in my chest. I wanted to scream it out, to emote all over the place until I could present a bland expression when I left the room.This is what I get for letting myself believe. For wanting something I’d already lost once.
“Come on,” I told myself as I sat up and swung one leg and then the other over the side of the bed. And then I forced myself out of bed.
As soon as I stepped in front of the bathroom mirror, I wished I hadn’t. The bruises were in full, vibrant shades of blue and purple on one side. The angry red marks on my wrists seemed redder in the cold light of day. I winced when I touched them, turning away from the stinging pain. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and got dressed in short, robotic moves.
Today wasn’t about me. It was about Mattie.
He needed reassurance, he needed normal, and it was my job to give it to him. No matter how I was feeling. That was the job. Always had been.
Downstairs, the house was quiet in that soft, calm, early-morning way. Mattie was already downstairs and sitting at the table, an empty bowl in front of him.
“Mattie,” I said softly, my heart squeezing tight at the sight of his sweet face.
His face lit up when he saw me. “Ren!” He shot out of his chair so fast it almost toppled over. He ran to me, wrapping his arms around my waist with careful enthusiasm. “You’re okay, Ren.” He sobbed into my stomach, his little hands gripping my sweater so tight, like he was afraid I’d leave him again.
Not if I can help it.
I hugged him back gently, my heart squeezing in my chest until I couldn’t breathe. “Hey, buddy,” I murmured. “How’d you sleep?” I’d sat with him for longer than I’d planned last night with my hand on his back, just grounding myself in the fact that Mattie was unharmed.
“I thought I dreamed you were back,” he said, his voice full of awe. “You were here.”
I nodded. “I was. I missed you.”
He blinked, those green eyes so like his father’s. “I missed you too, Ren,” he began softly. “I was scared you wouldn’t come back.”
“I was too,” I admitted, kissing the top of his head. “But your dad brought me back.” Because he’d given his word, and even if he didn’t want me forever, he was a man of his word.
“I had a dream about the bad guys,” he admitted softly.
My throat went tight until it was almost impossible to swallow. “You don’t have to worry about them anymore, Mattie. You’re safe, and so am I.”
He nodded solemnly, hugging me tighter one more time before he pulled back, a slow smile forming on his face. “Pancakes for breakfast?” he asked hopefully.
I laughed softly. “Today is definitely a day for pancakes.”
For a few hours, I went through the motions. First breakfast and then a walk outside. I got lost in the story during reading time; I smiled when I needed to and laughed when it was expected, but my mind kept drifting back to the empty space beside me.
To the fact that I still hadn’t set eyes on Enzo all day. A deliberate choice, no doubt.
By the time Mattie went down for his afternoon nap, my chest felt hollow.
Needing to do something other than think about my broken heart, I made my way to the bedroom where I’d been staying with Enzo and pulled out the bags I still hadn’t unpacked from the cabin. I hadn’t unpacked them, which meant I must’ve known that this was just a temporary diversion.
My time with Enzo and Mattie was ending. I knew it, and I still handed my heart over to them both.
