He laughed loudly and with his whole body. "I think so too. In fact," he said as he grabbed the little girl from her father's arms, "I think I'm her favorite now."
Xavier growled in response, which only made Nate laugh louder and harder. The scene was made even more adorable by Violet's uncontrollable laughter in her uncle's arms. "A real comedian," Xavier murmured under his breath, but a smile tugged at his lips.
Nate clapped his brother on the back, still chuckling as he straightened and kissed the top of Violet's head. "She's amazing, man. Really. I'm glad I got a chance to visit before she hits puberty. Mom's going to be so jealous."
Xavier rolled his eyes, but it was all good-natured. "She's next on my list. My very, very long list." His mouth said that, but his expression and demeanor said it was on a different list, one he couldn't find and never would. "Don't say anything."
"I'll try, but if she spots this cutie on my social media and thinks she's mine, I'm selling you out."
"Noted." Xavier clapped Nate on the back and guided him toward the front door where his very nice midnight blue BMW was parked. "I went over the contracts with a fine-tooth comb," he began, and whatever else he said faded as they walked away, the words lost on the wind.
I wrapped my arms around my waist and sighed at the sight of the brothers, smiling and talking while Violet played with Nate's tie. She was really attached to her uncle, and it was incredibly sweet to see. They were a family unit, and in that moment, it was crystal clear that I was not a part of that unit.
The truth was I probably never would be.
It was obvious that there was something I was missing about Xavier, and it felt like something pretty big. It was in the way Nate deferred to Xavier about his work even though Nate was older and still worked in the corporate sector, at least based on his expensive suits and constant phone calls over his three-day visit. It gave me a weird feeling, but if Xavier didn't want me to know, did I really have a right to know? I wasn't entitled to the details he didn't want to give me.
Was I?
No, I wasn't.Our relationship wasn't serious enough that I could make demands on the details of his life. He had secrets and was content to keep them. Sure, I could hop on the good ol' internet and probably find answers in two-point-five seconds, but that wouldn't make me feel any better. Xavier didn't want me to have the details because he didn't trust me, and if he didn't trust me, that begged another question.
Why in the hell was I sleeping with a man who didn't trust me?
"I hate this," I groaned and walked away from the front door. I didn't need to torture myself any further, but what I needed were answers, and I was determined to get them.
Tonight.
I kept my thoughts to myself when Xavier entered the kitchen later. "Hey," he whispered and pressed a kiss to that strip of skin between my neck and my collarbone, the spot that never failed to make me shiver.
"Hey," I shot back in what I hoped was a carefree tone. "You good?"
I nodded but kept my gaze focused on the mac and cheese, stirring slowly until the cheese started to bubble. "I'm good," I lied easily.
"Rosalee," he groaned, gripping my shoulders and spinning me until we were face-to-face. "Talk to me. What's going on with you?"
"Nothing," I sighed around the bitter lie. "Okay, it's notnothing. I just—I don't know, Xavier. I feel like you're hiding things from me, and that makes me feel terrible because I'm not sure that you owe me any of that because I'm not sure what we're doing. It's confusing, and I'm confused and hurt, and I don't like this feeling." I shook my tingling arms and slammed my eyes shut. "Like I said, I don't know what's wrong."
Xavier held my shoulders and pulled me close until my face was pressed up against his chest, which was hot and hard and smelled so damn good. "What do you want to know, Rosalee?"
I sighed and pulled away from him. "I don't want to know anything you don't want me to know, Xavier. I just want to know what I have a right to know, you know?" I pinched the bridge of my nose and sighed again. "This is all very confusing. I'm falling for you, and I realized this weekend that I don't really know who you are beyond a single dad and a search and rescue worker. Maybe that's all you want me to know, and if that's the case, justtell me. Please?" I blinked quickly to keep the tears from falling because those were my emotions, and he didn't need to deal with them. I didn't want to feel like I was manipulating him because I knew how that felt.
"I don't know what to say, Rosalee." His voice was barely above a low, whispered growl, the tension obvious.
My guilt intensified. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything." The words rushed from my mouth. "Just forget I said anything at all. Please." I was making a mess of everything, and I couldn't seem to stop myself. "I'm, uh." I spun in a circle, turned off the pot, and stepped back. "I'll go to my room for a bit and you can... enjoy your dinner." I hurried out of the kitchen and into my room before Xavier could stop me.
Not that he made a move to stop me.
He didn't.
I held my breath and closed my eyes, straining my ears to hear if he was coming down the hall, if he would stop in front of my door and knock, tell me I was being silly, that it was just an oversight or something that was difficult for him to talk about.
But he didn't come, and he didn't attempt to explain anything.
That was an answer, wasn't it? This thing between us, it wasn't on the cusp of becoming something else. It was all that it would ever be, and I wasn't as okay with that as I thought I was. Which meant I had to give up Xavier. I had to give him up and find a way to do this job without breaking my heart every single day.
Where there's a will, there's a way.That's the lie I told myself, anyway. I'd been through a bad breakup, and that one was bad enough that I'd fled the state and started over. This relationship, by comparison, was newer and far less traumatic.
But my heart felt more bruised than ever.
