She wouldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t for me.
It took everything to not crush her to me earlier and ask for forgiveness. Instead I did the best thing I could. I promised her that she’ll never hurt again because of her uncle’s actions.
When I leave my office, it’s almost midnight. The door to my bedroom is closed. She must have gone to bed, and I close my eyes, picturing myself sliding beneath the covers. Pulling her against me and telling her it’s fixed. It’s solved. I handled it for her.
But the guilt pulsing inside me won’t let me.
There’s only one thing that can stave that off, and it’s pain. Punishing myself for the sins of the past. So I head out to the car instead, a pounding pulse and the acrid taste of guilt.
CHAPTER 66
PAIGE
When Rafe disappeared upstairs, I do the only thing I can think of to quell the anxiety threatening to swallow me whole.
I get to work.
I’m so tired of all of this. I’m tired of being beholden to my uncle, to my lawyers, to Rafe, even. I know he’s handling it. I know he’s capable. But Ben is my uncle.
The journalist asked me a very simple question.Simple and terrifying. What would my parents think about what I did?
I sit down and write a long response to her question. Every damning little detail. How Ben was in my parents’ shadow and their death set his excesses free. How I tried to stave them off forever. How I’m heartbroken he never let me workwithhim.
I don’t send it. But it feels like a release, to lay it all out so clearly.
Ben unleashed me when he did this.
I have no loyalty left to him. Not even the tiniest sliver of it.
And I don’t want anyone dictating what I have to do in the future. Who I have to be with, how I have to pretend. I’mdone with that kind of life. I’m not going to pretend in front of a journalist ever again.
Rafe doesn’t come out of his office.
I end up calling both Amber and Nora, actually, and they’re wonderful to talk to. I call Amy, too, my best friend from home, and hearing her familiar voice is a balm. Rafe’s mother even texts me with support and a picture of her ocean view. The message is oddly punctuated and is only half about me, but I’m very grateful for the support.
I don’t tell any of them about my true fear.
That my mistake has made Rafe think less of me.
I eventually go to bed, lying awake in the space we share, and wait for him to come. Embarrassment burns bright inside me. I still haven’t apologized for not logging out of that email server. It’s my fault all of this is even an issue today.
But he doesn’t come.
I toss and turn and keep looking at the time. When it’s past one, I get up to look around. The guest rooms are all empty. He’s not sleeping in any of them.
So I look outside and see one of the cars missing.
Everything inside me sinks.
He’s left. I sink down onto the landing of the steps, and hot tears start tracking down my cheeks. It’s been a long time since I cried outside of a panic attack. But I do it now, thinking about all of it.
My failure. My mistake. My uncle.
And Rafe. His soft hands and compliments and how much I’ve come to crave them. The burgeoning emotions between us that I’ve been afraid to put a name on.
I don’t want it to be gone.
And I cry for him, too, because he seems to feel so guilty, and I don’t know how to help him with it.I didn’t deserve to survive, he told me, and maybe I understand more of that now.
