I nodded. “I get it. Even if love isn’t real, it’s fun to read about.”
Her brows rose, and her silver ponytail swung as she turned her head to fix her surprise on me. Her book became forgotten. “You don’t believe in love?”
It was only then that I realized what I’d accidentally admitted. I hadn’t meant to reveal that, but now that the truth was out there, it was like I couldn’t stop.
“No,” I shrugged. “I’ve never experienced it, so I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s not real.”
I thought I had. I thought I’d found a family, but it had been a lie. I thought I’d experienced love and received that in return. But that was a fool’s dream.
Her gray eyes studied my painted face before she declared, “I don’t think that’s true. How do you feel about books and reading?”
I opened my mouth to answer but immediately snapped it closed when the answer started to form on my tongue.
Serenity noticed my realization, too, and she smiled. “You love reading. I’d be willing to bet that’s not all you love, either. Your band and music, the guys who make up Sinners Do It Better. You already love, Dante. Different kind of love than aromanticone, but love all the same.”
She pursed her lips and tilted her head slightly. “Maybe it’s not that you don’t believe in that all-consuming, romantic love, but rather, you crave it so much that pretending it doesn’t exist makes living without it easier.”
Her words plowed into me with the weight of their truth. I could barely breathe past the twisting ache in my chest. I’d never thought of my anger and frustration with the emotion that way. Or rather, I’d neverletmyself think that way. Yet hearing her now, I knew she was probably right.
I wanted what people wrote about. I wanted what I’d always thought impossible for a demon like me. I wanted what Zagan and Perseus had with Iyla and Harper. Hell, I’d even take what Xander had, despite the pain that seemed to accompany his relationship. I wanted love. I wanted to know that I, a monster of the dark, was worthy of being desired in that way.
“And you?” I asked, my voice rougher than it had been moments ago. “You still believe in that passionate love, despite the shitty relationship you’ve been in?”
“Of course.” Her voice softened, and she stared at the capybaras lounging in their exhibit. She mindlessly fanned the corner pages of her book as she continued, “I have to believe in it, because some days, that’s all I have to hold onto. I have to believe there’s more out there for me, just waiting on me to find it. Life is short. If you aren’t doing what makes you happy and surrounding yourself with those you love and who love you, what’s the point? At the end of the day, isn’t that what we exist for? Love?”
Lifewasshort. For humans. But I wasn’t a human. I was already multiple millennia old. I had a long existence ahead of me, and the purpose of it wasn’t to love. I wasn’t some angel or messenger of light and hope. I was a demon, here to seduce and consume pleasure. I was here to lure people into wickedness.Thatwasmypurpose. At least, it had been all this time.
“Hypothetically,” I started, my gaze still trained on the side of her face, “What if you could live a long ass time? Like,forever. Do you still think that would be the point?”
Serenity looked up at the winter sky and seemingly considered my question. If she thought my “hypothetical” question, which held no semblance of reality in her world, was dumb, she didn’t show it. She thought about it seriously.
Finally, she answered, “I think having that partner to face the world with would be evenmoreimportant then. To live such a long time would mean seeing and facing extra hardship, and to do that without someone there by your side … I think that kind of existence would be lonely.”
Lonely.
The word dug the nail in harder, and I couldn’t find the ability to follow up with any more questions. Instead, I sat there with Serenity’s words.
I’d never had a word to describe the bitter hollowness and disdain that was my constant companion. I’d never had a word I could link to the anger that would well up inside of me when I saw humans being affectionate or even when I saw my fellow demons with their humans. I chalked up my reactions and feelings to my old bond. But my feelings finally came together to make sense with that one word.
Serenity was right.
I was lonely.
I glanced sideways, watching her watch the animals with the hint of a grin, and in that moment, the pain in my chest eased a fraction. I wasn’t as lonely anymore.
Chapter 17
Serenity
MY CONVERSATION WITH DANTE IN front of the capybara exhibit seemed to change something in him. He grew pensive, which was definitely out of the norm for him. But if there was one thing I could understand, it was that sometimes your thoughts got too loud to hear other people. So I sat in the silence with him and let him take the time he needed to work through whatever he was thinking.
Eventually, he started talking again, though it was nothing too serious. He told me his prediction for his thriller book while I told him about the enemies still being enemies in the book I was reading. We finished our coffee from the café and grabbed hot chocolate from a food stall at the zoo before finishing our walk of the massive place.
“After today, I can say I’m a fan of the zoo,” Dante revealed as we headed back to our cars.
“You’re more than welcome to join me on Saturdays,” I offered. “It was actually really nice having you with me today instead of doing it alone.”
I’d come to prefer my own company to others. Trying to hang out with people who didn’t get me, carrying on conversations, or smiling at the right moments, stressed me out and drained me of energy. Being with Dante wasn’t like that. There was no pressure to fill any silence or a need to plaster on my usual mask. Heconjured arealsmile all on his own. There was a sweet comfort in sharing what had always been my sanctuary with someone who appreciated it, too.
