“That will be all for now, Sarah,” my mother said.
Sarah, who was now more gray-haired than brown, nodded before patting my mother gently on the shoulder. It was easy to miss the passage of time until everything around echoed its effects. Sarah, who had been with us as long as I could remember, always wore a quick smile and a soft word. My mother often said she was a better friend than any London society could offer. A servant in name, but more by heart.
She was plump and chronically good-natured. When she passed me, she cupped my cheek and winked once. Grateful for the moral support, I waited till the door shut behind me. The crackling fire was the only sound, and I latched onto each pop until my breathing outgrew it.
“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you,” I said.
My mother unclipped her necklace and set it down with solemnity.
“I don’t know anything about this man, but yet I accepted all the cynically veiled well-wishes tonight with a smile, all the while wondering if I even knew my own daughter,” she said.
My feet felt frozen to the wood beneath me. If I stepped forward, she would see everywhere doubt touched me, and right now I was half certain that would break her.
“His relationship with his uncle is strained, and I knew everyone believed I was engaged to James,” I said.
Her stare was piercing, while her soft blond hair fell in silky waves, making it easy to imagine how she must have appeared in her youth. Father always said she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen, but tonight I saw it too. She and Ruby were cut from the same cloth, and it was hard not to feel inadequate next to them.
“Yet you could have told us you met someone, and who he was. Instead, you left us in the dark. Did you fear we would not approve?” she asked.
“Do you?” I asked, missing the point entirely.
“How can I approve or disapprove if I know nothing about him, about how you met, about why my own daughter left in the middle of the night for a year barely writing?” Her voice broke, and guilt built heavy in my chest and stomach.
When she turned sideways in her chair, her long nightgown flowing with the movement, her eyes were lined with silver, and her lower lip quivered.
“For so long, I wondered if it was because you resented us for not protecting you from James. Then I wondered if maybe you thought you were protecting us by leaving, that he would give up his claim. When he didn’t, and you didn’t return, I thought maybe I missed the signs of how broken you were. That's what he did to you, made it so you could never be happy here, but I replayed every moment, and I thought, yes, she was sad, but she wasn’t broken. She laughed. She found new ways to driveme insane and banter with Oliver. I knew you were upset about Oscar leaving for Paris and that you two were always meant to breathe the same air, but you could have asked, and I would have found a way that didn’t involve you disappearing into the night. So many times I thought about going to Paris and begging you both to explain what was so terrible about our life you had to run away, but I didn’t know if not giving you space would make it worse- I-”
I couldn’t stand it a moment longer. I rushed to her and fell at her feet, wrapping my arms around her waist. She clutched me tight and sobbed into my hair. She was always effortlessly strong, much like a rock, but beneath that surface, she felt enough to break. Anxiety ripped through me, stealing whatever air remained in my lungs. I’d done this.
“I’m sorry, Mama, I’m so sorry. I love you, and I love our family.” I gasped out.
She only clutched me tighter, and the sound of her cries shredded my skin as sharp as any sword. I couldn’t regret all I’d done. Bash was alive. Oscar was home and alive. My family was thriving with my father’s new business, and James couldn’t hurt us anymore. I’d do it all over again, but I hated the price of it. The work was mostly done, which meant it was time to repair.
“Ask me, and I’ll tell you.”
It was a lie, and I hated it. She could never know about the mark on my chest that was covered by silk and chiffon. Nor could she know about Oscar’s because there was no keeping us from the sea, and if she knew, it would destroy her. Maybe there was a solution somewhere, but until I fulfilled the bargain on my wrist, there was no avoiding it.
“Is he good to you?” she whispered.
My mother. My kind, resilient, fierce mother who coveted manners and etiquette like they were jewels. She could haveasked me how we met and if I’d compromised my honor, but instead she asked this.
I laughed. “Yes, I think he would do almost anything for me.”
“Almost?” she asked, pulling away and wiping at her eyes.
I immediately regretted the choice of words, even though they were honest. I intended to keep Bash off the gallows, but not even how what he felt for me was enough to erode his life’s work.
“I think-” I closed my eyes, struggling for the words. “I think loving someone means knowing what they can and cannot compromise on.”
Reaching out, my mother traced a finger from my forehead down to my chin like she was remembering. Her eyes were cloudy, and her cheeks a bright shade of pink that had nothing to do with the rouge on her vanity.
“I didn’t want to marry your father,” she said.
“Mama?” I asked.
It felt like I’d stepped into another world, and the things that shouldn’t be spoken aloud were falling from the sky.
She sniffed. “I thought I was in love with someone else, and my parents pressured me into agreeing to marry your father. I cried on our wedding day. Our wedding night- well, I couldn’t hide how broken I was. It hurt your father, who hadn’t the slightest idea, but he just said all right and slept somewhere else. For a year, your father slept in his own room and provided me with anything I asked. Whenever he went on a shipping trip, he would bring me back treasures from faraway lands.”
