“They also say that if you hadn’t thousands more would have died. That you paved the way to peace. They call you brave.” Seren’s words, while meant to be a boon, were a knife to the gut.
It snapped something in him. “They don’t know the truth. You want to pretend that I’m good, Seren, but you don’t actually understand what I did. I was studying at Mistral Hall that night when my uncle came to find me and told me that my father had lost his mind. That he wasn’t making any sense. When we portaled to our manor I found my father weeping at my mother’s feet while she sat staring ahead as if she couldn’t see anything. I felt the dark magic he had used. It had the odor of blood magic and it was all over her. My father had severed her mind and left her a shell of a person. He didn’t even notice us standing there until my uncle said his name. When my father looked up, his face was twisted into some sort of rabid animal. Nothing of the man I knew and admired. When he saw me he lunged for me. If it weren’t for my uncle portaling me out right then I would have ended up the same as my mother. It was a blessing Calder was gone that night to Mistral Hall as well.”
Seren’s lips were turned down in a frown and he hated the sympathy he saw shining through her eyes. He didn’t deserve it.
“My uncle tried to be logical. He said that we could find a way to reach him, but he knew the truth the same as I did. The drive to find the grimoire, Omnis stone, and vessel had driven him mad. The man I knew never would have hurt my mother. They were almost annoyingly in love. He cherished her. The only way he could have done what he did was if he had fallen off the precipice of sanity.”
Cyrus’ hypothesis over whether a mind control spell had been used sat in his mind like a decaying carcass. The possibility that his father could have been innocent and he had condemned him anyway.
Icarus forced himself to meet her gaze to see the moment she understood what he was. “So I went to Sinclair, and I told her how to get through the wards to my family’s manor. I did it knowing that he would face execution for his leadership in the war. I did it even when my uncle was willing to protect him. I left Calder without a mother and a father in one night.”
“Icarus.” She breathed out, reaching for him.
He stepped back as if burned. “My uncle told me he asked after me before he died. That he asked that my uncle protect me and take care of me even after what I’d done to him. For all that my uncle is, he honored my father’s wishes even though he always resented me for being cowardly enough to betray his brother. At least Calder has always been consistent in his hate for me. He at least sees me for what I am.”
A single tear rolled down Seren’s pale cheek. Finally. Finally, he had broken her and let her see who he truly was. As much as it killed the remaining part of his soul to do it he knew it was for the best.
When she spoke, her voice was thick with emotion. “This is how you see yourself?”
“Yes,” he answered, bitterly.
“It makes sense now.” She stepped towards him until she had to crane her head to look at him. “Icarus, you didn’t do anything wrong.”
The laugh that escaped him was bitter and twisted. He tried to turn, but Seren gripped the front of his suit with both hands.
“Enough. Enough punishing yourself because you were forced to make a difficult call as a child. You’ve spent your whole life punishing yourself and it’s time to let it go.”
How could she be saying these words to him after what she now knew? “I expect the placating niceties from everyone else, Seren, but not you. Never you.”
“Then you know I wouldn’t say anything I don’t mean. I see you, Icarus Atwood Darkmore and you are not a nightmare. You are smart, thoughtful, dedicated, and good. You are good, Icarus. No matter how much you try to bury it and how much you hide from it, it's who you are.”
The feelings that warred within him were a decade old and each fighting for control. The self-loathing that always won buckled under the weight of her judgment.
“A good man would have kept his distance from you,” he said too quietly.
Seren breathed in, her eyes searing into his. “That’s what a coward would have done, but you are brave, Icarus. You fight what shouldn’t be fought for some misbegotten sense of honor. Stop holding yourself back.”
“Seren.” a prayer.
“Icarus.” an answer.
Her lips parted, and he saw it for what it could be if he only let it. If he let himself believe what she saw in him and let himself give in to this inferno that had begun the moment he’d met her.
“What I want matters too, Icarus, and I want you. Don’t deny me.” her eyes were like a map to a long-forgotten treasure.
She was a match, and he wanted to burn. Icarus lowered his mouth to hers, and it was as if the very ground underneath them shook. Seren pressed herself against him, running her hands over his face and through his hair. He was a man starved and she the feast. The kiss wasn’t tender; it was one of a need too long denied. He let his hands trail down the side of her body coming to rest on those hips that had taunted him all night. It wasn’t enough, could never be enough. Now that he had tasted her, he needed all of her. He ran his hands through her silken hair, deepening the kiss until tongues clashed and the need for air was non-existent. He would breathe her and that would be enough.
When he finally broke away it was to pull at the obstructing fabric of her dress and follow the curve of her neck with his mouth. She arched her back into him and moaned, the single sweetest sound he had ever heard in his life.
“Icarus.” Lust and longing made up the sound of his name on her lips.
When he craved the taste of her honeyed smoke, he devoured her mouth with his once more. The need in him abating only slightly at having finally tasted her. Just when he thought he understood the rhythm they made together, Seren bit his lip hard enough for him to pull back and see her eyes blazing with need.
It was like all of Lynoria narrowed down to the fire in her eyes, the flush of her cheeks, and the sweet swollen lips that smirked up at him. Finally, he allowed himself what he wanted to do every damn time she looked at him like that. He claimed her mouth once more, letting his tongue explore and discover her. She let out a gasp that sent satisfaction careening in him.
Gods help him if he was going to commit this crime then he wouldn’t deny himself a single pleasure of it. This kiss was worth the cost. She was worth the cost. His hands trailed under her dress meeting silken skin. Damn if she didn’t feel exactly like he imagined.
Seren’s hands in his hair pulled at him, challenging him. He would take her against this wall and show her he wouldn’t back down from her spark. Just as he made to lift her a strange pressure wrapped around his legs.
