Yet… she didn’t need me.
Vyns seemed to think she would accept me, be with me, but I couldn’t allow that. So, I had to settle with knowing she had others who could give her stunning heights of pleasure and be her ideal mates. Myel may be a shifter, but a mate bond was a serious thing. I wouldn’t get in the way of that. And Vyns loved her, of that I was certain. I was less certain about the incubus Rook, who I’d thought her friend at least, but he’d not been around at all for her, other than to help with the dominion match. Still, Myel and Vyns were probably enough for her. They could take care of her in every way she needed.
She didn’t need me.
And that shouldn’t have bothered me — since my one and only duty was to protect her — but it did.
I sank back, sitting next to Izzy, waiting for my body to settle, which might take a while. I took that time to remind myself of why I could never let my guard down, even once, to be with Izzy.
It had been roughly a hundred and twenty years ago. I’d been the guard captain — The Sentrea Prima — of the queen’s brother’s household. Talmarion had been a good master and I’d served him loyally for hundreds of years, working my way up through the ranks of his personal guard. I knew his family well, and they knew me.
His daughter, Mynrial, in particular, had come to know meverywell. She’d pursued me romantically for over a hundred years, and I’d denied her. It wasn’t uncommon for elves to have flings with dragons, but I had my duty to consider. Even during my off hours, I was loyal to Talmarion and wouldn’t give in to his daughter’s desires.
Then, one night, Talmarion himself had invited me to dine with him while I’d been off duty. I’d been honored to share his table, a reward for my many years of stalwart service. Mynrial and been seated next to me, fawning over me. I’d denied her… but then Talmarion himself had asked why I’d rebuffed his daughter’s advances. I’d told him it would affect my duties, that I could not allow myself to be distracted, even by a most amazing woman such as she.
Mynrial had been nearly as perfect as Izzy. She too had been witty and strong, determined and fierce. She hadn’t had the same sense of justice and kindness as Izzy, but she’d had a good heart. Despite being raised a royal, indoctrinated into the superiority of elves, she’d done charity work for the less fortunate. At the time, I’d thought her the epitome of womanhood.
Had I wished to be with her? Certainly, but my duty came first.
Yet Talmarion had shrugged off my objections and had told me, in no uncertain terms, I should enjoy myself every now and then, his meaning clear. I had his blessing to be with his daughter. He’d known it would be nothing morethan a fling, we’d never be married. Elves could only mate with other elves, but they were allowed to dally with whom-so-ever they wished before that.
That night, I’d given in.
And it had been a mistake. For that was the same night assassins had attacked the royals. I’d been distracted until we’d heard a scream. Even then, I hadn’t reacted instantly, lingering with Mynrial, believing other guards could handle whatever was afoot. It had only been once guards had sought me out and told me there were attackers all over the palace that I acted. I’d left Mynrial with other dragon guards and run to her parents’ suite, but it had been too late. Talmarion and his wife Hyessa had been killed.
I’d raced back to Mynrial, only to find her, and the guards I’d left with her, dead. Perhaps, if I hadn’t been with her, I’d have been able to save her parents. Or perhaps, if I hadn’t left her, I could have saved her. I hadn’t made any good choices that night.
And being with Mynrial would have been a mistake, even if the assassins hadn’t come… because she’d been everything I’d wanted. It would never have been the case of “getting her out of my system” and going back to my duty, but quite the opposite. Once I’d been with her, she’d put her mark on my soul. I’d have wanted more, constantly distracted while on duty. I know it to be true.
That’s why I could never be with Izzy. As much of a distraction as she was now… being with her would only compound the issue.
A guard should never have any sort of relationship with his charge, period. I’d been weak once, and I would never allow it to happen again.
Never.
No matter how much my soul cried out to be with Izzy.
No matter how much my body yearned to hold her, touch her, please her.
I had to be strong, for her sake, and for my own. Because I’d never forgive myself if I lost her, lost another of the family I’d sworn to protect.
Besides, I didn’t even know if she wanted me in the same way. She had Myel and Vyns after all… and maybe Rook as well.
Although…
After she’d removed Saldrea’s binding and healed my cheek, when I’d held her in my arms… there had been something in how she’d looked at me. I’d been filled with gratitude at first, then, realizing how close she was, my desire for her had nearly overwhelmed me. I’d wanted desperately to kiss her… and something in her eyes had made me think… she’d let me, that she wanted it.
Still, I’d never presume.
And asking her would only open a door I dared not even touch.
No, going down that road would only lead to failure of my duty and pain. I had to believe she didn’t need me, didn’t want me. Icould notbe with her.
I stayed with her that night, in her room, not outside. I watched her sleep, waiting for my body to cool, to calm. It didn’t.
And I began to fear that maybe when she’d taken my life force… perhaps some of hers had fed back into me…
…infecting me…
