You don’t do important.
Youdefinitelydon’t do firsts thatmatter. I’ve had so many nights that meant nothing, I don’t even remember half the faces. Drunk people. Dark rooms. Boredom. Ego.
I know how to be good at sex.
I know how to make someone’s eyes roll for a while. But this isn’t about that. This is him waking up in ten years and thinking, "my first time with a guy was with Gio."
My name is gonna live in his head like a tattoo he can’t laser off. Fuck.
I’m suddenly very aware of every scar on me. Every bad decision. Every time I’ve bailed on someone before they had the chance to bail on me.
What if I hurt him? Not physically.
I can be gentle, I can learn, I can ask a thousand times if he’s okay.
But what if I ruin sex for him?
What if I make it too intense or not enough?
What if I go too fast?
What if I make a joke at the wrong time?
What if he looks at me after and realizes he made a mistake? This is dangerous as hell. Every time I look at him, my brain runs headlines.
‘Local golden boy ruins future over neighborhood fuck-up.’
‘Teacher-to-be never makes it to the classroom, because he was too busy taking it from behind, from someone his father wants to kill.’
My body’s already decided. That part’s easy. My body saw him with bare chest and a flushed throat and went yeah, okay, we’re done for, just climb on top and don’t overthink it.
My head’s like: absolutely the fuck not.
My jaw tightens. Fuck. What am I even doing. He doesn’t belong here.
He doesn’t belong in half shadows with the blinds half closed because I’m scared of who can see in.
He deserves something open. The disgusting image hits me out of nowhere.
Him on some normal-ass street in broad daylight, holding hands with some normal-looking guy whose biggest crime is parking wrong.
Some dude who can kiss his cheek in front of a café without checking for witnesses.
It literally makes me sick. And yeah, part of it is jealousy, I’m not gonna lie. But under that there’s this deeper thing gnawing at me. This… wrongness.
Because what am I gonna offer him exactly?
"Come over only when it’s dark, sneak in through the side entrance."
"Don’t tell your parents, your friends, anyone who knows your last name."
"Pretend we’re just working if somebody texts."
"Hide your smile when I accidentally brush your hand in public."
"Don’t exist with me in the sun."
Only when the door’s locked and the curtains are half drawn and I’ve checked my phone three times to make sure nobody needs me to go handle some shit.
