Acting like you didn’t like it when you first saw it. I roll my eyes a little and turn slowly, letting him see the whole thing. My heart is beating stupidly fast.
He moves behind me. "Oh fuck," he whispers. I feel his hand on my back. Right on the tattoo. His thumb runs over it like he’s memorizing it.
"This one… this one is fucking insane," he says, voice lower now.
"You’re gonna be the most badass teacher on the planet, you know that?"
Second time. It’s the second time he says that to me.
Second time he takes my dream seriously instead of laughing at it or telling me to be realistic.
Second time he talks like it’s already decided, like of course I’m going to make it, of course I’m going to stand in a classroom one day and actually be that.
He doesn’t say "if." He says it like a fact.
I’m turn away from him, so he can’t see my face, and I’m weirdly grateful for that. Because I’m smiling.
His palm presses flat between my shoulder blades.
"They’ll see this in the office and shit themselves." His hand runs up and down my back while he talks.
And then, for some reason, he changes the path. His hand slides lower. Right on my waist.
That’s it.
I want to have sex with him. Properly. All the way.
I want to pull him on top of me and not stop. But I’ve never done that with a guy before.
Like yeah, I’ve imagined things, I’ve thought about it, I’ve had stupid little daydreams where I fade to black before anything actually happens.
But now? Now my body’s like, no, no fade to black. Keep going. Show everything. And it freaks me out. Because it’s not just horny. It’s not "ugh, I need to get off."
It’s this insane, aching need to be close to him. But it’s scary as fuck. Because there’s no manual. No tutorial. I don’t even know what I’m supposed to be scared of first, the physical part, the emotional part, or the part where once I cross that line, I can’t ever pretend I’m "just curious" again.
Because if I go there with Gio, that’s it. There’s no "oops, it was just one night." No "haha, we were drunk, it doesn’t count."
Itwillcount. For everything.
And the worst fucking part? The more I panic, the more my body pushes back, like, shut up and let me have him already. I’m stuck betweenI’m not readyandI don’t think I’ll ever be more ready than right now.
And then there’s the part that really makes me want to throw up. We can’t even be together. Realistically. This isn’t some slow-burn friends-to-lovers shit where we move in together, adopt a cat and a dog and cook pasta on Sundays.
I’m going back to Canada. That’s already written.
I know that. He knows that. Everyone around us knows that.
We can’t be public.
We can’t be anything more than whatever this is.
Secret. It scares the hell out of me.
Because it’s not just "oh, let’s do it before I leave, YOLO." It feels so much bigger. I feel like I’m standing at the edge of a cliff with two choices.
1)Stay safe. Keep my first time with a guy locked away for some hypothetical future where being with a man is simple and allowed and stable. Or…
2)Jump. Give it to him. Now. Even if I know he won’t be there forever. And the messed up thing? I want to jump. Even knowing I’m going back to Canada. Even knowing we’ll probably go back to pretending, to distance, to video calls and time zones, or maybe even nothing at all.
