Finn, three weeks later…
Ihave been looking forward to this day for weeks while also dreading it at the same time. The school year has started and so has lacrosse. Today my team is playing the Jackson Tigers against Russ and Jered. I know there’s a chance I’ll see Winnie and can’t decide if that's a good thing or a bad thing. Like a fucking martyr, I haven’t texted or called her. I’m sure she thinks I’m a liar. Nothing hurt worse than the next morning when she sent me another message, concern for me dripping from every word, asking if I made it home okay, too. Not wanting her to be more worried, when I don’t deserve it, I sent her a message back.Yes.One word. No follow-ups or openings for more conversation. She’s smart and took the hint. It's been three weeks since that night, and I’ve done everything I can to push her out of my mind, to forget how alive she made me feel, how she made me feel more. Instead, I sank back into my normal pattern to keep myself busy and out of the house. Then school started, and my lacrosse season was in full swing until today. And even though I shouldn’t, I’m hoping to catch a glimpse of her.
During warm-ups, it's not lost on me that neither Jered nor Russ is feeling friendly. We are on opposite teams, but usually we at least spare a greeting and rib each other before the game about who will win. This time, they're both frosty and won’t even meet my gaze. Sliding my attention to Noah, Jered’s cousin, I walk over to him.
“Hey, is everything okay with Jered?”
Noah’s brow shoots up, and he glances at his cousin quickly before coming back to me. “Look, Jere isn’t one for drama or gossip. Angel, on the other hand, is fierce and loyal. She has made it very clear to him that you hurt her best friend.”
I feel myself shut down as soon as he saysyou hurt her best friend. My face pales, and my heart squeezes in my chest. Fuck. I didn’t think I’d hurt her that badly. Stupidly, I chalked it up to one night, a few stolen kisses, and thought maybe she was over it, too. It’s not like she tried reaching out again, either, not that I would have responded. My thoughts circle around and around. I was trying to be a good guy by cutting her loose, by not giving the impression we could be more. It was better to disappoint her now rather than later, at least in my head. I never thought that she would be hurt enough for her friend to go to war for her.
“Besides, bro...” Noah shakes his head, giving my shoulder a gentle shove. “We know your rep. You aren’t exactly the guy who goes for serious or long-term relationships.”
Anger ignites in my gut, and my eyes slam into his. “What the fuck does that mean?”
Noah shrugs. “Just that Winnie is girlfriend material. You usually gravitate to the girls who are down for a quick fling without attachments. Nothing wrong with it, but the girl you picked that night was the wrong one.”
What. The. Fuck. Is that really how my friends see me? How did I not know this is the vibe I’ve been giving to the people closest to me? All I’ve ever done is try to avoid relationshipsbecause I didn’t want to turn into someone like my father. Or worse, become a couple like him and my stepmother. I never wanted to drag a girl into my family for her to be horrified. Still, I don’t like the reputation that playing it safe has given me. It kills me that Winnie thinks I messed around with her with no intention of actually liking her. It wasn’t like that at all. Since the moment I saw her, all I wanted to do was make her mine, to bask in her light and experience the happiness she made me feel.
As if summoned by my thoughts alone, a flash of blonde moves in my peripheral vision. Turning, my gaze travels over the visitors’ section of the field, and I instantly spot her. My Daisy. Winnie sits next to Angel, and I can see by the way her shoulders are curved inward that she’s uncomfortable. When she bites her bottom lip, she looks nervous. My chest aches, and I lift my hand, rubbing over it. Fucking hell. She looks amazing. Even better than my memories of that night. Her jeans flow around her legs, and the white sweater she wears is cropped, showing off a sliver of her stomach. It's then that I see the glinting jewel and realize her belly button is pierced. My throat runs dry. I didn’t picture Winnie Carmichael being daring enough to be pierced or to have defied her parents in any way. Something about knowing she has an edge to her, with more secrets to uncover, makes my heart race. When her deep, chocolate brown eyes meet mine, the blood rushing in my veins pounds in my ears, and my stomach clenches. Every detail I remember of her that night doesn’t do justice to seeing her in the daylight, after weeks of lying to myself that I made the right choice. She’s beautiful. And she’s looking at me right now with pain in her eyes. Right as I step in her direction, the whistle blows, and the clock sounds, signaling the beginning of the game. I glance at her again, but she’s no longer looking at me, her eyes trained on the field, where she’s smiling and cheering for Jered and Russ. A jealousy I’ve never felt beforeslides through my gut, and anger flares in its wake. I want her attention. I want her focused on me. I want her.
Both teams meet in the middle of the field, everyone getting into their starting stance. The game is quick, intense, and close in score for each period. By the fourth period, our team is winning 5-3. I’ve scored twice, and each time my gaze automatically slides to Winnie. One time, she looked away quickly, and the next time, she purposefully kept her eyes averted, but the pink tinge to her cheeks was a dead giveaway that she had been watching. I like that she’s watching. I sure as hell am watching her every chance I can. I should have been paying attention to the plays on the sidelines; instead, all I can do is watch her blonde curls blowing in the wind, the animated way her eyes light up while talking with her friends, and the small smile on her cherry red lips. The end of this game can’t come soon enough.
When the final whistle blows, our team claims a 5 to 3 victory. We were able to hold them from scoring again before the end of the period. My team starts to line up to shake hands, and once again I’m distracted as Winnie and Angel get up from their seats in the bleachers, looking like they’re leaving. My heart races in panic that she’ll walk out of here, and I need to talk to her. I want to explain, and even though I’m not good enough for her, I don’t want her to think I played her that night.
Jumping out of the lineup, despite my coach yelling after me, I run toward the girls who are, in fact, heading to the parking lot.
“Win!” I yell her name and watch as she turns around, startled. Her eyes widen, and she looks at her friend with a hint of hesitancy. Angel’s shoulders rise and fall, as if she’s silently asking Winnie what she wants to do. I stalk over to her faster, ignoring the way she looks at the car and back to me. Before she can make a choice, I step into her space, much like the night I met her. I didn’t care about her personal space then; I justwanted to be as close to her as I could, to have all her attention. The same is true now.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” I ask, breathless from seeing her up close again, before adding, “Please.”
Her dark eyes soften on mine before she looks down. “I don’t think we have much to talk about, Finn.”
My name on her lips makes my pulse race harder, and I fight the urge to pick her up, toss her over my shoulder, and find somewhere we can talk where she can’t run from me. “I know I don’t deserve it after I didn’t call you. I just want to apologize. I’m not that guy, Win, I am a good guy.”
Her brow rises, and again her gaze flicks to her friend who is waiting. “I already know you aren’t a bad guy, Finn. That's why it's so much more disappointing that things turned out this way.”
Her words suck the air right out of my lungs, and my heart deflates painfully. My hands reach for hers, needing to feel her one more time, but she steps back and away from me, taking all her sunshine and warmth with her. My eyes search hers, and my throat feels dry when I manage to rasp out, “I’m sorry.”
Winnie gives me a small smile and a small shrug of her shoulders. “Me too. Goodbye, Finn.”
With my gear in my hands hanging down by my sides, I watch her get in her friend’s car. I continue to watch until they drive out of the parking lot before turning around to gather my things. The hope I had through the whole game shatters in my chest, the jagged pieces leaving me cut and broken. I wish I could go back to that night. I never should have let her leave without saying more. I should have called her before I fell asleep, before I was reminded about the family I come from.
“Hey, Kinsella!”
My name is shouted across the lot. Jered jogs over to me, and my spine straightens. He must see the anguish on my face because he looks hesitant, his hands sliding into his pockets.
“Look, man, Win never dates. But the few days after the fair, all she did was smile. Nothing could bother her, not even her parents. Angel says that was because of you, so here's my advice. Don’t fuck up.”
A laugh escapes my mouth, sounding hollow. “In case you missed it, she just blew me off.”
He shrugs. “Maybe she just needs time to cool off and sit with your apology.”
“It’s going to take more than an apology to fix this. I broke her trust,” I admit, the words tasting like bitter ash in my mouth.
Jered rocks back on his feet, and his gaze flicks to the bus, then to me. “A bunch of us are getting together this weekend to hit the arcade at the movie theater. You should come.”
He holds my stare before thumping my shoulder. “See ya later, Finn.”
