He’s hot on my heels, his hand grabbing my arm and swinging me around, before I can duck out of his grip. I take a step to move around him when he drops to his knees in the dirt, at my feet. His arms band around my waist, holding onto me, and his forehead presses into my stomach. “I’m sorry. I know I’m an idiot and an asshole. I treated you horribly, and I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but I need you, Winnie. I love you so much, baby. I wish I could go back. I would take it all back. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Win.”
His hands grip my sides, and I feel the way his chest rises and falls against my legs. Tears spring to my eyes, while I bunch my fists on his shoulders. This is stupid, so stupid. The time we wasted that we can never get back, and everything that happened since then.
“I only ever needed you, Dodger. I didn’t care about the club or what they thought about me as long as you were happy. I loved you so much I would have married you in a courthouse, or in the clubhouse backyard. I just wanted you. I wanted a family. That's what hurt the most was losing not only the man I loved, but my best friend, and the dreams of the family and future we had planned. And then I get here, and you built it anyway? You didn’t want me, but you built my gazebo.”
“I’m sorry.” His body shudders. Finn raises his eyes to mine; they’re blue and shiny, his cheeks wet and tear-streaked. “I wanted it too, Win. That's why I built the house and the gazebo. When I found you, I wanted to show you that I still wanted our dreams. I wanted you in any way I could have you, once you knew the whole truth.”
“Have you taken more lives?” I ask, waiting, knowing the answer won’t matter.
Finn goes still, and his head drops back to my stomach. “Yes.”
“If you had told me, I would have understood. Just like I do now. I would have been there for you,” I breathe out, my air choppy.
“I was scared. I didn’t want you to look at me with anything other than the love I was used to. You treated me like your Prince Charming, on a pedestal, and I wanted to live up to that. I wanted to give you everything you wanted, Winnie. You’re so good, your heart was so pure, and I was scared this would be the reason you wouldn’t find me redeemable.”
I bite my lip hard until I taste blood. My eyes squeeze closed, trying to hold the memories back. “I killed someone, too.”
Finn’s body tenses, his arms squeeze around me. Slowly, he gets to his feet, his hands dragging up my sides until they rest on my shoulders, grounding me. My eyes clash with his stormy blue ones. “Tell me.”
My mouth opens, and a gasping, floundering sound leaves me. Even months later, I still struggle to find the words, to voice what happened. “I can’t.”
His arms wrap around me, pulling my body into his so tight, I can feel his heartbeat against my cheek. I missed this. I missed how being in his arms, surrounded by his warmth, made me feel protected. It used to mean I was safe. “I got you, Daisy. You’re okay.”
I realize as he talks that I’m shaking. I haven’t talked about it. Until now, only Marco and I knew. “I don’t know who he was. I tried to save him. I tried so hard to save him.”
“I know you did,” Finn whispers against my hair, his hold on me strong while I sag against him.
“Marco told me to save him, and I tried. He just kept bleeding. They wouldn’t take him to the hospital, and Marco said it had to look like an invasion gone wrong. He made me…cut his…throat.” The last word comes out choked, while my hands dig into Finn’s sides as he continues holding me. It feels sogood to purge that information, for someone else to know and to understand what I went through. To know how much Marco has his claws dug into me.
Anger soon replaces sadness. Resentment bleeds into frustration. “He touched me. He took things I didn’t want to give, and he threatened someone’s life every time. I stopped fighting just so I didn’t have to see our cook or a maid looking at me, pleading for me to let him have me so they could live. He took everything away from me,” I cry, balling my fists.
“No, he didn’t. You’re still here.” Finn pulls back, his hands framing my face. “You survived. He couldn’t break you or turn you into the puppet he wanted. That's why he won't let you go, Winnie. He’s evil. You’re too good, no matter what he’s made you do. Your heart is good; it's pure. Your soul was made to care for others, and that is what makes you an amazing nurse and human. I promise you’ll get that again. He didn’t take anything from you.”
Tears slide down my cheeks, and he brushes them away easily. For the first time in a year, I feel like I can breathe again. That maybe there is hope, and everything I went through was meant to lead me here. I lived through it all for a reason. My eyes lift, and the air in my lungs hitches for a different reason this time. Finn is staring down at me with so much reverence that it makes me speechless. My lips part. He groans before touching his lips to mine. Five years. It's been five years since I’ve felt this instant heat and hunger that comes from kissing Finn Kinsella. My fingers latch onto the front of his t-shirt, twisting in the fabric. His hands grip my hips, dragging me impossibly closer, until there is no space between our bodies, and I can feel him everywhere. Finn takes control, parting my lips with his tongue, and I moan into the soft caress. My body is alight with fire and a wild energy that only this man has ever brought out of me. Thekind of feeling that never truly dies when you kiss the man you love the most. And it’s that exact reason that I pull back first.
We’re both breathing hard. I can sense that Finn is watching me, cautious. He knows me well enough to know how conflicted I am. I can’t even look at him. I lost control. I let myself fall into the past with a kiss that was both familiar and new at the same time, yet still dangerous.
“I can’t do this.”
He reaches out, his fingers gripping my chin, and I’m forced to look at him. I expected anger, maybe confusion, but the absolute love and devotion that I see renders me speechless. “I’ll never in my life regret kissing you. I don’t want to be something you regret either. Take the time you need, Win. Just know that I’m not going anywhere. Just like I never stopped loving you.”
I shake my head, stepping out of his grasp. “You can’t say things like that.”
“I just promised to never lie to you again or keep something from you. This is me, being honest. I’m going to fight for us, Winnie. When this thing with the Bianchis is over, I plan to chase you. I can’t lose you again,” he growls, taking one step closer to me and placing a gentle kiss on my forehead before walking away.
My eyes follow him as he stalks across the yard to stack wood. Without his body as a barrier to the front door, I make a run for it and head inside the house. My lips are tingling, and my heart is thrashing inside my chest by the time I get to the safety of the cabin. I can’t believe I let that happen, and at the same time, I don’t feel the regret that Finn talked about. Despite my fears and the past hurt between us, a small part of me came alive at his touch. He saw my brokenness and declared war for my heart anyway, but I refuse to wave my white flag this early.
Chapter 26
Winnie
The next week passes in a blur, my mind constantly on the information that Finn shared with me, while he constantly keeps checking to see how I’m doing after sharing my story. We both are circling each other, yet neither of us is ready to take the leap to ask the other if they want to talk more. I don’t know what else to talk about. I understand more about why Finn pulled away from me back then. I knew he never wanted to be a man like his father. I don’t think that what he did to protect his brothers makes him a bad man or in any way like the man who raised him. Finn said I was good, that my soul was pure, but we both made decisions to end a life because we had to. If Marco hadn’t held a gun to my head, I would have made different choices. In the end, I chose to live, to fight, and to get free. If that makes my soul pure, then it should absolve Finn as well. Shockingly, this conclusion was brought up by Jocelyn when she stopped by with Squirrel to check on me.
“I’m sure Prez has done things you don’t talk about,” I pry, and she nods in agreement.
“It comes with the territory. I’ve been with Daggerz since we were fifteen. Kind of like you and Dodger in that way. Wemarried young and put everything into the club early on. I thought a few times it would destroy our marriage, which is why we waited to have children. Some of those days were ugly, horrible. He would lie to protect me, and I would lie and say it was fine. It took us years for things to be healthy between us with open communication,” she divulges, her eyes misting slightly.
“I thought we were communicating. I thought he was taking my worries and frustrations to heart.”
