Winnie rolls her eyes and takes a few steps back from me. “I thought the run lasted until tomorrow.”
“It does.” I nod, my head lowering. “I came back early. I need to tell you something.”
“Okay,” she says softly, but I can still hear the wariness in her voice.
“We went there to broker an agreement with the Vikings MC. After the meeting, the guys were drinking and partying with the VP. They called me over, and he gave me a loyalty test of sorts,” I explain, rubbing my hands together.
“What sort of test?”
I exhale slowly, feeling stupid that I even fell into it. “He offered me the club's delicacies. Some bourbon that tasted like shit and a woman. I drank the liquor and turned down the club whore. He mentioned that I didn’t have a ring, and I froze. The girl sat on my lap, and then she, she kissed me.”
Winnie’s eyes slam shut, and my heart breaks further when tears fall down her cheeks. I reach for her, but she holds up her hands. “Did you kiss her back? Did you want to?”
“No, no. Fuck no.” I shake my head in denial and take her hands in mine. She’s shaking, and I feel like shit knowing it’s because of me. “It was barely her lips on mine. It meant nothing to me. I didn’t want it, and I pulled back. I made the guys leave right after.”
She pulls her hands from mine and begins pacing the room. My legs are shaky, and the adrenaline to get home is wearing off. I sit on the bed watching, waiting for her to talk to me so I can fix this.
“Just a kiss?” she asks, her voice broken.
“Just a kiss. I swear. I’m sorry, Winnie. I wish it hadn't happened.” My hands run through my hair.
“It wouldn’t have happened if you hadn’t volunteered to go on this run, Finn,” she replies. My body locks up, and I raisemy eyes to hers, ready to defend myself, but I see the look in her gaze. She knows. And even if she hadn’t known the truth for sure, she does now.
“Win—”
“No,” she scoffs, holding her hand out to stop me. “I can’t listen to you anymore. You got to say what you wanted yesterday, and I got it. I heard your message loud and clear. Then I found out about this. You aren’t being told to follow orders, Finn. You’re volunteering to leave Braham as often as you can. To leave me. So while I’m here, crying, trying to figure out how I can possibly fight more for us, to show you how much I love you, you’ve been running to avoid me. To avoid our home.”
My head hangs in shame and regret that I can’t take back. All my bad decisions pile on top of each other. “I’m sorry, Win. There are things I can’t tell you, and it's been killin’ me inside. It hurts less when I step away.”
“But you are hurting me in the process.” Her voice shakes. I can hear the tears in her words, and it feels like millions of knives piercing my heart.
“I want to change. I want to be better for you?—”
“Do you love me, Finn?” she asks suddenly, and my heart skips a beat.
I nod. “Yes.”
“Do you want to marry me?”
My gut twists, and I feel like I’m going to be sick. What I can’t do anymore is lie to her. I force myself to look at her, to let her see the devastation I’m holding inside. This last event just solidified for me that I can’t give her what she wants. I refuse to be like my father, and avoiding marriage would be the opposite of what he’d do.
“No.” My voice is low and filled with remorse for the pain I’m causing her. I hear her sharp intake of breath in response. “I don’t want to get married, Winnie, but that doesn’t mean I don’tlove you. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to spend my life with you. I can’t be like him. Look at what happened tonight. I feel like I cheated because some club whore kissed me, and all I could think about was having to tell you and how much it made me feel like him. Like Rose. Two people I swore I never wanted to be like, and I felt like them.”
“You aren’t your father, Finn. You’re so much better than he ever was,” Winnie cries, with her arms wrapped around herself. Her words should feel like a balm on my soul, but the events from last night are still too fresh.
“I don’t see myself ever changing my mind, Win. I know I promised you. This kills me, but I just can’t do it.”
Winnie walks over to me, her arms wrap around my neck, and she cradles my head against her chest. I just destroyed her heart, saw the devastation on her face, and she’s comforting me. I don’t deserve this woman, but I’m going to make it my life’s mission to be everything she needs. Hopefully, one day she won’t care about a ring, a piece of paper that means nothing, because she’ll still have me. We’ll still have the life we’ve dreamed about, just without the legalities. I’ll convince her it's for the best. I’ll love her hard enough that in the end, it won’t matter because I love her no matter what.
I’m not sure how long she holds me for. I don’t know who makes the first move to maneuver us farther on the bed and under the covers. I fall asleep with my arms around her, listening to her breathing, feeling her softness surround me. “I love you, Winnie.”
“I love you, Dodger.” Her voice sounds faint. Far away. Maybe it should worry me that she used my road name, not the name only she is allowed to use, but right now, I don’t want to ruin the peace I feel with her tucked into my side. For the first time in a long time, I let sleep take me under.
My alarm blares from across the room, jolting my body out of a dead sleep. The deepest sleep I’ve had in months, maybe years if I’m being honest. My eyes blink open, and the ceiling above me looks foreign for a second before the events of the last forty-eight hours come rushing back in. I’m in our apartment. I came back to see my girl. Blindly, I reach for her across the mattress, but my hand glides across cold sheets instead.
“Win?” I sit up, the sheets pooling around my waist. The room is still except for the ceiling fan. The blinds are still down, but sunshine is poking through the cracks. Stumbling from the bed, I reach for my jeans and pick them up off the floor before reaching into the pocket. My phone slides out, and I’m greeted with various text messages.
BULLET: Are you coming in today?
