Marjorie Pike, Editor-in-Chief
The Baywood Gazette
SHERIFF WILLARD IN CUFFS — BAKED GOODS, BAD COLOGNE, AND A LONG LIST OF ENEMIES
Many rejoiced when Sheriff Hugh Willard was escorted from the station in handcuffs after years of what locals are calling a reign of mild terror and questionable cologne choices.
A Bakery Betrayed
Earl Davenport, owner of Earl’s Bakery, told us: “I’d like to thank my parents, town hero Xaden Bailey, and my Finnish pen pal Maija Miettinen. We’re officially Zooming now.”
Davenport declined to explain how this related to Willard’s arrest, but insisted it was “worth printing.” And we did, because it’s Earl.
“It's not the money,” Earl continued. “It’s the principle. You can’t just stroll in, take a cinnamon roll, and tip your hat like it’s some kind of barter system. That man owes me $182.50 worth of assorted pastries.”
Picture:The Famous Earl’s Bakery Display Case
Note the empty space where a tray of pecan twists once sat. “Whole Baywood sleeps better now, knowing no one touches my buns without permission”, Davenport says, dabbing his eyes with a napkin.
A Coffee House Crime
Dorothy and Delilah Bloom of Baywood Beans, the 2016 State Sudoku Duo Champions, also claim to have suffered under Willard’s sweet tooth.
“He never paid,” Dorothy said. “Never filled a Sudoku grid.”
Delilah nodded, grimly. “Unlike Sheriff Willard, every Sudoku has one correct solution.”
The sisters credit “town hero” Xaden Bailey for bringing Willard down. “We’d like to offer him a lifetime discount of ten percent. Cole, too, because he’s such a sweetie. Not nearly as awkward as before.”
Picture:Ms. Dorothy Bloom and Ms. Delilah Bloom
The sisters are currently training for the World Sudoku Championship. “At times like this, we find comfort in numbers,” Delilah told the Gazette.
Scent of Corruption
An anonymous source close to the Willard family alleged that the sheriff has worn “the same cheap cologne since 2004,” causing his wife “daily headaches.”One officer described the scent as “like someone lit a candle in a tire shop.”
Picture:Unlabeled Bottle of Cologne, Seized as Evidence
The bottle has been sealed in an evidence bag, though officers report the smell continues to haunt the station.
‘Soulless Eyes’
Becky Fairweather, PTA President, and her close friend Rose Clarkson, Garden Club President, have bravely decided to share their own sheriff-based traumas.
“I always knew there was something off about Sheriff Willard,” Mrs. Fairweather said. “His eyes were like a dark void. Completely soulless.”
Rose Clarkson agreed. “When I first saw Willard, I turned to my husband and said, “Peter, that man looks like he would let an honest man get crushed under a car.’”
Clarkson is, of course, referring to the murder of local mechanic Eli Bailey, whose death — previously ruled a tragic accident — is now being re-investigated.
The Domino Effect
Willard’s arrest triggered a sweep of related charges:
JJ “Cherry Garcia” Craven and Ronnie “Mahjong” Craven were taken into custody for suspected racketeering and allegedly knocking over a tip jar at Earl’s Bakery. They also face charges of aggravated assault and at least one attempted murder.
Keith Blackwood and Sam Crowley were charged with assault, breaking and entering, property damage, trafficking and drug dealing charges.
