Until then, I’ll go without. However long it takes.
Then my phone buzzes. JJ. This time, it’s an order. I curse under my breath, rake my fingers through my hair.
The universe might as well be laughing in my face. I’ve got too much on my plate for one fucking person. “I have to go,” I say, hating myself, hating them all, even SBI.
“Of course you do.” Cole’s tone isn’t sarcastic, just… tired. He presses his hands flat on the counter like he’s trying to keep himself upright. His face is still flushed.
My chest caves in. Excuses claw at my throat, but I force them down. Cole deserves more than lukewarm explanations. “Cole,” I start anyway, but what could I possibly say?
He lifts his chin, jaw hard. But his eyes are soft, and that terrifies me more than his anger ever could. Because it looks like, in his head, he’s already saying goodbye.
I take a step closer. I want to reach for him, to promise him something, anything.
But Cole beats me to it. “I’ll make this easier for you,” he says quietly. His voice doesn’t shake, but his fingers twist together, restless. “Go to your friends, Xaden, or whatever they are to you. You just said things are complicated, and I believe you. But I can’t afford ‘complicated,’not with Noah in my life.”
He pulls Noah’s name around himself like armor, steadying his breathing with it.
The words slice through me. I want to argue, to swear it’ll get easier. But it won’t. Not yet. Not until I finish what I started.
The way he looks at me, worn down, beautiful, protecting his son, makes me love him even more.
So I do the only thing I can.I walk away from him. Once again.
But this time, I swear to myself — it won’t be the last.
COLE
I feel surprisingly calm watching Xaden leave. Not numb, not indifferent, just calm. I don’t wonder what his friends want from him. I already know it’s not good. I saw it in his eyes when he read the text. I can’t let Xaden into Noah’s life, not with all those shadows following him.
I tiptoe into Noah’s room. I tell myself it’s to make sure he’s still sleeping peacefully but really, I just need to see him. Children always look so angelic when they sleep. Not that Noah is in any way evil when he’s awake, but asleep he’s so innocent my heart bursts.
My gaze falls on the small Ikea play tent in the corner. Noah said he needed to “practice” being in a tent because Jørgen has promised to take them camping. But after I assembled it — which was not as easy as Ikea claimed — Noah decided it made a better house for his stuffed animals.
As I leave his room, I think about the time Xaden took me camping for my birthday. It was an overnight trip to Pisgah National Forest.
***
The three-hour drive alone would have been a perfect gift. Sitting next to Xaden, listening to his playlist, our fingers brushing on purpose-but-not.
“I really like this one,” he said when "This Night" started playing. “It’s one of those songs that makes you want to grab someone and not let go.”
My ears burned. “Sounds intense.”
He glanced at me, eyes soft and… knowing. His fingers brushed mine. “Yeah,” he said. “It is.”
I’d never been to Pisgah. The campsite was far from the noise of the world, the air cooler and fresher.
Xaden set up the tent like a pro. I didn’t even try to help, I just watched him until I remembered we’d be spending the night in it, together. My brain promptly short-circuited.
There had been plenty of kissing, handholding, flirting — well, he flirted, and I blushed — but none of… the other stuff. I wanted to, I really did, but somehow wanting it made me too nervous to actually do it.
Xaden always got me like no one else. He saw the look on my face, winked and said maybe he should sleep in the car because, “Who knows what you’ll do to me in the heat of the night.”
His exaggerated flirting yanked me out of my head.
We watched the sun set over the Blue Ridge Mountains, then the stars blink to life. The fire crackled, sparks drifting into the air. Warmth from the flames, a cool mountain breeze… it was perfect.
Eventually, we settled in the tent. We kissed for a long time, the night wrapping around us. Kissed until I couldn’t take the ache anymore, until blushing and trembling, I was finally able to ask.
