I want to see Xaden tonight.Needto see him. Not just to hear him say sorry.
To say I’m sorry.
The crickets are chirping. I wonder what they talk about. If they ever argue.
I see him then, standing under the streetlamp. Out of place, like a nervous vampire waiting for an invitation to cross the threshold. The thought makes me snicker, and Xaden startles, noticing me.
“Did you just laugh?” he asks, looking genuinely worried.
“You look like a hesitant vampire,” I explain, another giggle escaping.
He walks closer. “Out of all the things ever said about me, that’s definitely the most interesting.” His voice is soft. I’ve missed that. “Can I sit?”
I nod, and he lowers himself beside me slowly, like he’s afraid I’ll change my mind if he moves too fast. This time I really look at him. Not for the boy he used to be or cracks in his armor but just to see if he’s okay. And he’s not. Something tender flutters in my chest. I want to comfort him. But it’s not my right anymore.
“I’m so, so sorry, Cole,” he says, staring at his feet. “I shouldn’t have said any of it.”
He scratches his neck. Finally looks me in the eyes, and the sorrow I see makes me want to weep for him. I know he really is sorry. But I also remember the years without him: birthdays, Noah’s first steps, nights when the house felt like it would collapse under the weight of his absence. My chest pulls in two directions at once: the boy who kissed me like I was his world, and the man who vanished when I needed him most.
“You, me, what we had… nothing could ever come close,” he says, voice rough. It wrecks me all the same.
I swallow, picking up a twig that Noah left on the porch.
The question’s haunted me, and I have to ask.“Is that why you’re doing what you do? Is it just some game to find someone better, someone who isn’t me?” My voice’s almost cracking already.
Xaden draws a sharp breath. “Cole, no — fuck! It’s not like that at all.”
I let the tears fall, not even bothering to hide them. “Then why? Is it fun? A thrill?”He wipes my cheek, almost crying himself.“I’m sorry for letting you think that. It’s not true. JJ and Ronnie, the way I acted, it’s all fake.”
I stare at him. “Fake how? Why?”
“It’s complicated. But please… Do you believe me? There hasn’t been anyone else.” His voice is raspy, almost breaking. “Please look at me, Cole.”
I don’t want to. If he’s lying, I’ll shatter. But I also really need to know, so finally I look. The anguished honesty in his eyes nearly kills me.
“I’m sorry, too,” I whisper. “For letting you think I was with Caspian.”
Xaden makes a small, choking sound. “You’re not?”
“No. He’s a good friend, that’s all. There hasn’t been anyone else for me, either.”
A beat. Then Xaden exhales like someone lifted a weight off his back.
We stare at each other: wary, aching, messy, but safe in our shared truth.
“How are you coping? It must be a lot of work, being a dad,” he says suddenly. He looks concerned, and a lot like old Xaden. It throws me. But I welcome it.
“I’m coping,” I reply. Then I sigh. “Not just coping. He’s my world. Even when he refuses to eat his vegetables unless I call them prehistoric leaves.”
Xaden laughs. He actually laughs. God, I’ve missed that sound.“I did notice some heavy dinosaur vibes,” he says.
“Caspian’s been helping a lot,” I admit. “He saved me back then.”
Xaden flinches, then nods like he’s decided something.
“Want to come inside? I could make us some tea,” I suggest. In the kitchen, he takes everything in like he’s starving.
“It’s a spitting image of you,” he comments on Noah’s stick figure drawing labeled ‘dad’.
