When I flutter my eyelids open, Camden is next to me, so close I can smell chocolate and peanut butter on his breath. He wipes my cheek with his knuckle, and I lean into the touch, telling him, “I had a kid who graduated this past year. He shouldn’t have. Aside from never completing any work, he was rude and disrespectful, in fights all the time, but he also needed a lot of support and was clearly crying out for help.”
I huff, thinking of Christian. This kid who told me he trained his pit bull for fights and was proud of it. I couldn’t stand him, but he was my student. A child who needed help. “Everyone was tired of him,” I say, “and I got a call from the head of the department, asking me to change his grade because they weren’t going to keep him another year. They weren’t going to, quote, ‘waste any more resources on him.’ And…” I exhale a rough breath. “We sent him out into the world unprepared. I passed him on so society can deal with him. But you know how it deals with kids like that?”
Camden shakes his head, sinking his hand into my hair, holding the back of my neck, though it feels as if he’s holding me together. Keeping me from another torrent of tears.
“He’ll end up in prison. Or worse.” I bite my cheek, trying in vain to stop my chin from wobbling. My throat is clogged, and I can barely force the rest out. “I don’t think I can do another year, and I feel so guilty, but I…”
Camden hauls me into him, face pressed against his chest as I give in, letting out the emotion I’d tried to hide from him. Instead of making fun of me or being awkward about it, he tucks me in close to him, one hand on the back of my head, the other smoothing up and down my back. He murmurs things I can’thear but that soothe me, nonetheless. His heartbeat strong under my ear, his steady hold an anchor until I’m able to sit upright again, wiping my face with the back of my hand.
He combs my hair behind my ears, tracing the shell of each one, his fingers surprisingly gentle for their size. “No job should make you anxious like this. Nothing is worth you getting sick over it. Because even though you love your kids, you’ll be no use to them if you send yourself into a depression.”
Erik and Molly have said the same thing, but the idea of actually quitting sends me further down the spiral.
“Maybe you should talk to a therapist or something,” Camden suggests, and I snort.
“Like you?”
“I’ll go if you go.”
I don’t believe him. “No, you won’t.”
“Sounds like a challenge.”
I lift my shoulder. “More like a dare.”
He holds out his right hand between us. “I’ll take it. We both go to therapy. Get our fucked-up brains to work for our work.”
I clasp his hand with mine. “I suppose I can sacrifice some of my own time for the greater Philadelphia area. Maybe Pennsylvania in general. It’ll owe me when your team starts winning again.”
The way he licks his lips, as if he’d like to kiss his reflection, sends a chill down my spine. Because I’m the one he’s staring at. There is no mirror in sight.
“Would it make you feel better if you didn’t go back to school?” he asks, and I shake my head.
“I couldn’t leave them in the lurch. I don’t know if I could leave my students either.”
“What if you exchanged a bunch of students for one?”
“What are you asking?”
“Don’t go back to Jersey. Stay here with Paisley. Whatever you were making at the school, I’ll double it.”
I blink once. Then twice. “You’lldoubleit?”
“Triple it?” he asks, as if it’s a negotiation and not my brain stalling out.
“You want me to keep nannying Paisley?”
“You’re not a nanny, but yes. You know what the season is like. It’ll save me from having to find someone else to be with Paisley. All those nights I’ll be away from home, you can stay here. Move in if you want. Whatever you want, however much you want. Just stay. Paisley needs you.” His focus dips to my mouth for a moment before drifting back to my eyes. “Ineed you.”
The idea is so wild that I don’t know what to say. All I’ve ever wanted to do is teach, but my gut reaction is to stay. To take the money. It’ll be the easiest paycheck I’ve ever earned.
And yet… I can’t my quit my job.
What would my parents say?
What would the school say? My co-teachers? My students who are expecting me to return?
There are only a few weeks until the start of the year, and leaving now would screw them over, needing to hire someone immediately.
