Kai reached for a black shirt on a hanger, not really bothering to examine it closer.Fian, who was right by his side, whisked the garment out of Kai’s fingers and put it on the largish pile he was already carrying without complaint.No headache.I’m not getting even the whiff of a headache.But thinking about Nick makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Like a bee flitting from one flower to another, Kai gathered more clothes in dark monochrome tones.The model looking down at shoppers from the screen on the wall was androgynous and flawlessly styled, in a love match between hipster and goth, and while Kai didn’t know what to make of this, he was at least encouraged to pick out anything and everything that wasn’t like the clothes he was wearing.
It didn’t take Kai five minutes to get through most of what he was possibly interested in, and when he turned around to see Fian smile, Kai felt bad.
“Uh.Those’re a lot of clothes.Sorry.I think I overdid it.Sorry.”
“Not to worry.You shop, I carry.I told you I’d be good at this.Are we going to buy all of these?”He glanced down at the pile in his arms.“What if you really do get cold?Don’t you want anything warmer as well?And maybe a bathing suit just to see if you like it?And then maybe we can go for a swim together.”
Kai huffed.“They don’t have bathing suits here, and I’m not buying all of that.Not without trying them on at least.Come on, changing rooms’re over there.”
“Changing rooms.Of course.”
Fian followed Kai.One of the salespeople gave them a wide-eyed look but then just smiled.Kai walked across the blood red carpet to the last changing room on the right and pulled the curtain closed behind him, breathing heavy as if he’d been running.
“Oh!”said Fian.
Kai turned and opened the curtain.Fian was right there as if he’d just managed not to walk straight into the cloth.
“Oops.I guess I was in a hurry there.Let me—I can take some of these.”
“But I should carry them for you so that you have nothing that burdens you.You should just relax and enjoy this.You know, when humans clear oil off seabirds’ feathers, the best thing the seabird can do is relax.I think humans always provide food as well, and I will feed you the best mushrooms the human realm has to offer, I—”
Kai stared at Fian with wide eyes.“Humans?The human realm?You’re okay, right?You aren’t deluding yourself into thinking you are an alien who’s ship crash-landed here or something?”
“What a silly story.”Fian chuckled.“No!And nooo, not at all, but if you see it from the seabirds’ point of view, that’s what I mean.Have you ever met a seagull?Those haveopinionsabout the human realm, which is…the realm of ground dwellers.They rule the sky.Obviouslythey’d call where you live the human realm.That’s what I was trying to say.”
He finished speaking with the most innocent smile.Okay, maybe he’s one of these empathic people.Oh, or he’s a vegan.Yeah, that makes sense.The obsession with the mushrooms and the okra and all that.That’s totally cool.
“Most people will tell you that seagulls are fucking assholes though, right?”
Fian exhaled.“That too, but it is sort of a given.”
“Okay.Look, I still need the clothes.”
“I can buy them for you.I have hu—I mean, I have, you know, money to buy things with.I really want to buy these for you.”
Kai shook his head, a reflex.
I’ll take care of you.I’m the breadwinner, and you just lie there and spread your—
Kai couldn’t exactly remember what Nick had said.He couldn’t exactly remember when he’d said it.Everything was so dull, like a haze hung over his memories.He was cold all of a sudden, and he felt so small, so tiny, powerless.
“Kai?”
Fian had a hand on Kai’s shoulder.His touch was the gentlest thing.Kai had no idea at all how the other man managed to not drop half of the clothes.
“Yeah.Yeah.I…I am going to buy my own clothes.I’ll buy them.I have money from the store.I’ll buy my own things so that they’re mine.”Kai nodded as if he needed to assure himself of this.It’s paying for my own damn clothes with my own damn money.Why is this making me so fucking—I don’t even fucking know.
“All right then.But the food, the food at least must be my treat.Please?You already gave me food, and now it’s my turn, hmm?”
Kai looked up.He’d been staring at his balled fists, his mind sort of drifting as if he were daydreaming, only in his gut, it felt as if he were having nightmares.The carpet in the changing rooms was such a bright shade of red.
“That’s okay.You can buy me food.”
Fian smiled.His hand was still on Kai’s shoulder.It felt like an anchor, so strong.I can hold on to this, and when I do, I won’t be swept away.
“Okay.Now, do you mean to take clothes in there and change?”
