Chapter nineteen
Rachel
As far as weeks went, it had to be up there with her worst. Not as bad as the week after her father had left, when Meghan had called her, telling her she needed to come home from Durham. Not as bad as the week after her mother had broken her back, when her father had stumbled home from the hospital every night and Rachel had slept with Lily’s bassinet next to her bed, one foot dangling down to rock it whenever Lily stirred.
So this was probably the third worst week she’d ever had. Rachel pulled in front of the house and briefly rested her forehead on the steering wheel. She didn’t want to go inside and deal with Meghan’s attitude, made inexplicably worse by their mother’s stroke, and Lily’s sullen silences, and Nathan’s near-hysteria. He’d completely regressed with his toilet training, and Meghan refused to let him wear nappies, insisting they could ride through it. Rachel would rather have Nathan encased in non-biodegradable plastic.
With a sigh she switched off the engine and opened the door. A chilly breeze buffeted her; spring had come and gone again, as it often did in April. Easter was this Sunday, and last yearthey’d gone to church and she’d actually made a roast dinner. The prospect seemed laughable now.
“Hello?” Rachel called as she opened the door. The house was eerily silent, until Lily thundered down the stairs.
“Meghan’s gone off and Nathan has been a complete pain,” she said as she grabbed her jacket.
“Wait—where are you going?” Rachel watched as Lily yanked on her jacket and shoved her phone and keys into one of the pockets.
“Out.”
“Out where? Lily, it’s a school night—”
“It’s six o’clock,” Lily protested. “I’ve got loads of time.”
“Your exams start in three weeks—”
“Loads of time,” Lily insisted, and disappeared out the door. Rachel registered Nathan’s post-sob sniffles from upstairs.
Slowly she climbed the stairs, wondering if it was worth texting Meghan and demanding to know where she’d gone. Meghan had disappeared often in the last week, first the late evenings out after Nathan was in bed, and then during the day, leaving Lily or Rachel in charge as often as she could. Rachel couldn’t keep the creeping fear from taking hold of her that one day Meghan might leave and not come back.
She stood in the doorway of Meghan’s bedroom; Nathan was sitting in the middle of the bed, his face tear-streaked, his eyes watchful.
“Guess what, Nath?” Rachel said with as much cheer as she could muster, which admittedly wasn’t much. “You’re going to wear a nappy.”
Three hours later Nathan was bathed and in bed—with a nappy on—and Rachel had started cleaning the kitchen. Usually Meghan kept things at a minimum level of tidiness, but without Janice here to care for, her sister seemed to have forgotten she had any responsibilities at all. The drain of the sink was chokedwith soggy cereal, and dirty plates were stacked in a teetering pile on the counter by the dishwasher. At least she’d stacked them.
Rachel heard the front door open and called, “Meghan?”
“It’s Lily.” Lily slouched into the room, and Rachel leaned against the counter, her arms folded.
“Nine p.m., Lily, and you haven’t done any work tonight. What about your biology coursework?”
“I turned it in last week, Rachel. And study leave starts soon. I’ll have all the time in the world to study, honestly.”
“No, you’ll have two weeks.” Briefly Rachel closed her eyes. “You know I’m nagging because I care about you, right?”
“Yeah,” Lily answered. “In theory.”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
She sighed. “Nothing.”
“No, seriously—”
“It’s just... you want me to go to Durham, right? But sometimes it feels like you want to go to Durham.” Lily bit her lip, flinching slightly as if waiting for Rachel to scream at her. And maybe once she would have.
“I did want to go to Durham,” Rachel said slowly. “Once. I went, actually.”
“You did?” Lily frowned uncertainly.
Of course Lily didn’t remember. She’d only been seven, and no one ever talked about Rachel’s aborted academic career. No one wanted to feel guilty or responsible for her failed dreams.
