“Rational fear is. But very few of our fears are rational anymore. I think if you wanted to go to the authorities, you wouldn’t have stopped me from calling them just now. I think you believe in this guy.”
“Hardly. I just … I want to get to the bottom of this, that’s all. Why is your bike bell in with your icing nibs?”
“Oh, is that where it is? I was on some interesting medication when I was sorting out that box. Like I say, I think you should heed your instinct. What harm can come from giving him the benefit of the doubt, just until you find out a little more about what’s going on?”
“Er, let me see. What harm could come? I could be convicted of a federal crime. I could lose my job and my reputation. I could be killed. Other than that, yeah, risk-free.”
“One day you might regret spending your life so cosseted. Every book you read, every movie you watch, every TV show—they’re all about adventure, about people stepping outside of themselves. Even when we were kids, you were reading Marvel and Harry Potter while I was readingThe Baby-SittersClub. Check the bag down there—random electrical cables, old earbuds, that kind of stuff.”
“So, I’m a fantasist. There’s a massive difference between getting vicarious thrills about that stuff and actually doing it. I mean, sure, I would like to do something interesting one day—backpacking in South America. Eat at roadside stalls. Strike up conversations with strangers on the bus. Have a one-night stand. I’m not sure insurrection is the best path to adventure.”
“It’s not surprising you believe you lack courage, considering what you’ve been through the last few years. What you’re still going through.”
“Idolack courage. No, not in the bag.”
“Try those boxes.” Kimberly indicated a precariously stacked pile. “No, you just fear hurt. Your life has been marked with loss, ever since Dad died. You’re afraid to take a risk with anything, from a job to a relationship, in case you lose what you have. Remember when you said you’d come home and teach after college, but only long enough to nurse Mom? And then Poppy got sick, so you stayed. Remember when you broke up with that nice photographer because you said you couldn’t see it working out long term, even though it was working out perfectly well in the short term?”
“Because Icouldn’tsee it working out. I wasn’t in love with him.”
“Because you wouldn’t let yourself be. Wouldn’t let yourself go. That remarkable self-restraint you’ve always shown—at some point it grew arms and became a straitjacket. Do you want my bike?”
“I have a bike.”
“Mine’s better. And it has a really nice bell!”
“I hardly use the bike I have. How didIget involved in all this, of all people? And I’m supposed to be spending this time withyou. You’re my priority.”
“Maybe I shouldn’t be. Anyway, it’ll make for an epic anecdote for my wedding speech. That time my risk-averse sister ran away with a dashing spy.”
“Oh God, I’m definitely going to the authorities.”
“Listen to your gut.”
“All I can hear is a loud churning. Hey, here it is! The dictaphone!”
“Oh yes, I remember now. I put it in the box with the hairdryer I was going to give you next time I saw you—it’s a really good one, and obviously I have zero use for it. I don’t know what you’re going to get off it, though—the dictaphone, not the hairdryer. It was mostly just a lot of rambling in Russian. I transcribed everything that made sense.”
“Carter speaks Russian, so…”
“Of coursehe does. He’s even hotter than I imagined.”
“Me too, and I have a good imagination. Also, very out of my league, if that’s what you’re thinking.”
“Ridiculous. What about the stuff in the book about him not being able to let his wife go—bouncing between hope and despair and refusing to deal with the pain and not able to begin to heal. Is that true?”
Alice shushed her. “You wrote half of that! Believe it or not, it hasn’t come up in conversation—and could you keep your voice down?”
“You know me—obsessed with death. It’s tough enough to face up to the reality of losing someone when youhaveanswers, let alone when you don’t. So, you’re sure you don’t need me to save you from him?”
“I’m starting to wonder if I need to save him from you.”
“You do trust him.”
Alice stared at the dictaphone. “I think I do. Is that silly?”
“You are the best judge of character I know. It’s all that natural reserve.”
“Sucha good judge of character that I pinned a murder on him. You’ll have to be my character witness when I’m facing federal charges for … whatever it is I’m doing here.”
