“Indeed. When he was a boy, I was concerned that he would never be allowed to keep his title when he inherited it. He was quiet, and he avoided confrontation like the plague. Every time I tried to punish him, he would run away from me, hiding behind his father or the housekeeper. He questioned my authority at every opportunity, and I knew he would be tempted to do the same once he inherited the duchy.”
That was not what Adelaide thought at all. Then again, Cassian had used his position to scare Hargrave away. He had also used it as a shield when people questioned his absence.
He was never hiding from anything, only performing his ducal duties. Not to mention the fact that he always ran away when things got hard.
“In any case,” Iris continued, “it will be nice to spend these days together, without my son casting a shadow over us. I always wanted a daughter, you know, but my husband and I were never blessed again. Cassian is all I have.”
And he was not perfect. Iris’s one attempt at proving herself as a wife and mother was imperfect, which meant that she was, too.
Adelaide knew that was how Iris felt, why she was so harsh toward him, and she wondered just how much damage that had done. Just how much damage had been donebeforethe fire.
“Yes.” She nodded. “It will be nice to spend time together. I shall also need assistance with the preparations for my friends’ visit. Will you be joining us at all?”
“Oh, goodness, no. If there is one thing that ball taught me, it is that I am far too old for such gatherings now. I prefer my own company—with you being an exception, of course. I never thought that I would grow to like the lady my son chose for a wife, but you, Adelaide, are everything I could have ever wanted.”
Adelaide thanked her, and after a brief silence, Iris left the room.
She truly wanted to be grateful for such high praise, but she did not feel that way. All she could feel, even though she was still angry, was sympathy for her husband.
He had never been enough for her, though he had for his father. Then, he lost the only person who cared about him.
She could not bear to think about how he must have felt, trapped in a house with his mother, the one person who was supposed to care for him more than anyone else in the world, and have her berate him often. It was no wonder that he used to hide from her as a boy.
Suddenly, she did not like how the drawing room looked. Once again, she had made the house feel as though it was not his, as though it belonged to everyone but him. She walked out of the room, crossed the hall, and then stepped out the front door.
The garden was bright from the sun, but clouds were approaching. A light breeze ruffled her hair, and though it was the last thing she wanted to see, her eyes fell on the west wing. What remained of it caused a lump to form in her throat.
With how Cassian was, she knew that there would be no changing it, and that it would always be a part of the house. It would always be a part of her husband, too.
And yet she still did not want to push him away. She felt like one of those foolish young ladies that Cecilia mocked, the ones who simpered to their husbands and smiled meekly to their fathers and did anything they could to earn the approval of the men around them. But she could not feel anger. All she had to do was imagine for a moment how Cassian had felt throughout his life, and she understood him.
But she wanted to be furious. She did not want to make excuses for the fact that he was a man who had no control over his life.
“Are you all right, Your Grace?”
Adelaide turned to see Lilly watching her. Her eyes showed concern, and she did not quite know what to say.
“Yes, Lilly, quite. I simply… well, there is no use in pretending that I am pleased with my husband.”
“I can see,” Lilly replied, and Adelaide gestured for her to take a seat beside her. “May I speak freely?”
“Always.”
“I think that it is good to have some time to yourself.”
Adelaide did not see it that way. She was lonely enough as it was without being abandoned entirely.
“You see,” Lilly continued, “for the past while, you have been a wife, and a duchess, and a daughter-in-law. You have been trying to unravel a mystery and fix the house. Well, now you have redecorated, and now you know the truth. With all of that done, perhaps it is time for you to rediscover who you are.”
“I do not know who I am. I have not known for a long time.”
“Since you ended your engagement with Mr. Hargrave?”
Adelaide nodded.
But if she were being honest with herself, she had not known long before that.
When she had met Hargrave, she felt herself losing who she was until she was a shell. She was not allowed to have any passions and could only do what he deemed acceptable. She did it all without complaint, knowing that it was expected of her, and the one time she was true to herself and ended it, it almost ruined her.
