‘It’s been like a prolonged moment of madness,’ I start, trying to make sense of the last year myself, in real time.
‘Just…’ He stops me. ‘Did you cheat on me?’
‘No,’ I lie straight to his face. ‘And besides, you’re one to talk. What happened with your one at work?’
‘Who?’
‘The one in your phone as Work Wife.’
‘Yeah, she got married last month.’
‘Oh.’
‘So I’m asking you again. Did you run away and leave our marriage for a guy?’
‘I did not run away with anyone,’ I say, leaving off the ‘technically’.
He is unconvinced. ‘So there’s no one else.’
‘Well …’
He looks like he is about to blow his lid. ‘Esther, will you just fucking well TELL ME. Jesus TONIGHT.’
I exhale. ‘So, I went to Toronto for a while. I had started chatting with this woman online, and she has also lost children and was like some sort of grief expert.’
‘So you decided to leave your job and your husband and your life to go to Canada for five months to meet’– he stops for dramatic effect– ‘an expert in grief.’
‘Well, that’s not all,’ I tell him. The words are coming like white wine puke, toxic and horrible.
‘She is Ted Levy’s sister.’
‘Ted Levy… the actor?’ He still isn’t joining the dots.
‘I just thought that there might have been something there.’
‘Something like what?’
‘I don’t know.’ Saying it all out loud feels like too much. I am quietly molten with shame as he pieces things together.
‘You left for Canada for five months to… see if you could hook up with a famous actor?’
‘Well, when you put it like that…’ I try to laugh.
Johnny’s transformation from husband to someone entirely different is complete. He doesn’t recognize a single cell of the person in front of him. He sits spluttering for a while, until something gives way and his mouth forms into a perfect little ‘o’ of disgust.
‘Esther, you need help,’ he says, so gently and sincerely that my heart breaks into pieces. ‘I can’t give that to you. This is serious.’
‘I know,’ I tell him. ‘And I’ve been thinking about it. Once I get help, it will be fine. We will be able to find a way back to each other. I mean, we still love each other. There’s enough raw material there to keep going. And if I really concentrate on myself for a bit…’
‘You want me to pretend like my wife didn’t movecountry to get away from me because she thought she was going to get into a relationship with a famous actor?’
‘It was a moment of madness!’ I’m officially registering as shrill. I feel the weight of the Boden mums’ curious stares on top of us. They’ve slowed down a bit to listen. ‘I know that now. It was just everything: the baby, the job. I set fire to it all to make… to try and make something good.’
‘I’ve really heard the lot now.’
I’m flailing. He is not making this easy for me.
‘Johnny, I don’t make sense without you. I really don’t.’
