We walk in silence for a bit.
‘Maybe I gave you the wrong impression of him,’ she says, thinking it through for herself. ‘He’s a really good guy. Kind. Rings his mum.’
I make a face as if to say,That’s not impressive.It’s a weird collision of feelings. I hate myself and am comforted by it at the same time.
‘Honestly, I never thought it would happen for me,’ Carrie finally says, more quietly. ‘I feel like the girl who didn’t study for her A-levels, then crams for two days rightbefore the exams and aces it. Can’t you just be happy for me that it’s happened, and that it’s something that I wanted?’
‘Did you want it?’ I say, faux-confused. We’re still ambling along in silence, not looking at each other. Our steps have become tentative. ‘I mean, it’s a bit of a cliché, isn’t it?’ The temptation to stick the sword in, alas, has finally overpowered me.
‘Is it?’
‘Well. Thirty-eight, getting pregnant with the first guy that comes along and sticks around for more than forty-five seconds, and we’re meant to believe that, by complete coincidence, he’s the kind and lovely soulmate you just happened to meet at this precise point in your life?’
Carrie stops and turns to face me.
‘I’m not sure I care about what anyone is meant to believe or wants to,’ she says evenly.
‘I mean, you’re not exactly out of the woods yet either.’ Jesus, how I want to shut myself up and punch myself. ‘What are you, ten or twelve weeks pregnant? A lot can happen in the next while, as you know.’
‘OK, Esther,’ Carrie shouts suddenly, time-out-styley. ‘That’s well over the line. You know, I was giving you a bit of space to have some kind of a reaction here, but this is… just completely ridiculous!’
She turns away. ‘Go to the cinema on your own. You are being so unbelievably uncool.’
She walks away and I throw a half-hearted ‘Come back, don’t be daft’ to the back of her head. But I don’t want her to come back.
The line between companionable silence and something more unsettling than that, I’m starting to realize, is pretty thin.
Johnny and I continue our flawless, mainly wordless tango around the flat. We are like figure skaters as we make dinner, gracefully careful not to crash into each other. The days of casually resting my hand on his hip as he pokes around in the fridge, or moving him aside gently by the shoulders, appear to be in the past. The vibe isn’t exactly full-blown uncomfortable, but I can make out the faint outline of a shift. I’m too proud, or too scared, to take it out into the light and examine it fully with him.
Maybe this is what the long game looks like, I think to myself.We don’t need to keep the air filled with conversations. We are just being ourselves. This is why I married you in the first place, Johnny. Because you were the first man that I could ever really exhale around. You let me be me, truly and unapologetically.
And yet.
And yet.
11
I wake up to a Google alert which tells me that there’s a new article on Ted Levy. The ping from the phone is an unwelcome wake-up call, making Johnny flip over on the bed to face the wall. The headline alone fills me with untold anxiety.
Hollywood Chronicle, 13 June 2011
Shock & Awestar lands major Hollywood role
Ted Levy, the uber-talented actor who has already cut a dash through the Canadian theatre scene, is officially ready for the big leagues.
Levy and his agent have been in talks for months with Velvet Elvis pictures about assuming a major starring role inThree Kevins, the new comedy by eminent producer Scott Milburn. The movie tells the story of a PR executive who falls in and out of love with a trio of friends who happen to have the exact same name. The project is what insiders have been calling a ‘long overdue studio breakthrough’ for Levy.
Levy will star opposite Katie Kirshner, who is fresh from the box office smashSunshine and Roses, in his firstmajor rom-com credit. Kirshner will next be seen inProject Dolphin, which is being talked about as a potential Cannes opener. Sources tell us it’s at a budget exceeding $100 million.
The rush of emotions is strange, and new. A bubble of pride because I want to see him do well and succeed, but I also detect a ripple of panic and low-level threat. I absolutely don’t want Ted to become a Hollywood star.
Over on the Tedettes’ Facebook page, Katie Kirshner is already the topic of much animated discussion.
‘I hate her,’ writes Molly. ‘The goddam smile. The hair. The fakeness. She’s just not good enough for Ted. They don’t call her the “mattress actress” for nothing.’
‘She’s not on MySpace. She’s not on Twitter. Not on anywhere.’
‘She has casting couch written all over her,’ suggests Juliet. ‘No way will she create any kind of good chemistry with Ted. I think he is really compromising his artistic integrity with this move.’
