‘It’s something they all do in work,’ he finally says. ‘I’m just hanging on to it for someone else on the team.’ He doesn’t say Melissa’s name.
‘Yeah, well, you’re in tech. You’re not in The Strokes.’
Who even are you?I want to scream at him. I push away the feeling that I’m being robbed of solitude here, but also somehow being denied companionship.
As an act of spite, and for want of something to do with allof this new information, I switch out the profile picture of us on my Esther Green profile and replace it with a photo of the cartoon elephants tattoo.
Ted hasn’t replied to my Facebook message, leading me to believe that I will need to do something a little more drastic to gain his attention. I take a look at my body, which has become more angular and less soft in recent months. The elephants now live on a jutting hill of a hip-bone.
I strip down to my underwear before I can change my mind. Satisfied that I’m as lovely as I’ve ever looked and that I am lovely enough to at least warrant a second glance, I pop on my best ‘hungry sex’ eyes, click, and send it via Facebook message to Ted.
10
There’s an email address on Naomi’s website, a direct line to her, and the compulsion to use it is overwhelming. A picture of her is there, and I have studied it at length– she is much heavier and more lined than she was in the Beaches photo album on Facebook. Her hair is streaked with grey, its gloss long gone. As a special elevenses treat at work, I take myself up to the toilets by the rooftop, where the last person to use them probably did so in analogue. Luxuriating in aloneness and the certainty that I will not be followed, I draft an email to this complete stranger whom I have already thought so much about.
Dear Naomi,
You don’t know me, but I found your website while looking for grief-counselling services in London, England, where I live. Unfortunately, the emotional supports I am coming up against here are severely lacking, so I thought I might get in contact with people overseas who seem to have a much more holistic view of the grieving process. Hope you don’t mind.
Your website looks amazing, and has helped me in ways I didn’t even know I needed.
I too have lost a child. It is, by some distance, the worst thing that has happened to me. There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t feel that loss, or think hard about what my life could be like right now, as a mother. Moving through the days can be difficult. I’m feeling so incredibly alone and sometimes the loneliness can feel like a canyon, ready to take me whole.
I pause for a minute, the wrongness of it a distant knock. I tell myself that I might be saying it to catch Naomi’s attention, but it does also feel true, sometimes.
I understand that you know this pain all too well. I’m so sorry for the loss of your girls and husband.
I will not be able to attend your face-to-face sessions as I live in the UK, but I just wanted to reach out and say that if you ever want to talk about grief and loss with a perfect stranger, I am all ears. I am in awe of the magnificent work you are doing with others who are bereaved, but I also know that those who help people need their own support too! Put your own life jacket on first and all that.
In any case, I am thinking of you and holding space for you and your beautiful family in my heart.
Esther
My cursor hovers over the send button. Am I really doing this?
I reason that we have enough common ground to start a dialogue. It’s not entirely about Ted. Away the email goes, halfway across the world.
Minutes later, I hear the ping of a notification that nearly makes my insides end up on the outside.
Thank you so much for your beautiful email! It’s wonderful and very exciting to receive a message from someone in London, England. I had a summer vacation in London back in 2001, and to see places like Buckingham Palace and Notting Hill with my own eyes was a real trip!
I really love that you have picked up on the essence of what we are trying to do here at GriefCare. ‘Holistic’ is exactly my watchword– grief is so multifaceted that it requires a much more rounded approach than simple talk therapy. And you need a wide circle of people around you to do it. I’m a huge believer in the power of community. You never have to walk through this journey alone is something I say all the time!
After the automobile collision that claimed my entire immediate family (I don’t like to use the word accident, as it absolves certain people of blame), I was sure that I could never survive either. Breathing through the pain in my chest felt almost impossible, so difficult, and I truly believed my days to be numbered. I can’t say that things have gotten easier, but I am definitely more used to the pain and carrying that along with me. Luckily, I have a wonderful family that have walked with me every step of the goddam way, and I hope you have that too.
How old was your child when they died?
Let’s keep in touch, although I am not sure how much help I can ever really be if I am over here and you are over there.
I am keeping you in my heart too.
Naomi
My mind immediately snags on the word ‘family’, and I think of Ted helping his step-sibling through this. It’s hardto tell how close they might be as siblings; he certainly makes no mention of it on his Facebook page. I’m too excited to even feign coolness and wait, so I fire back an email right away.
Dear Naomi,
Thank you so much for getting back in touch! I am so glad to hear you have family that are helping you through this. Are your parents nearby? Do you have any siblings? Are they a support to you? I hope so.
