‘Well, that was your first lesson, and you did very well. Was it what you expected, hoped for? Did I please you?’ Suddenly, her answer really mattered.
‘I don’t know what I hoped for, and parts of it did please me. It felt very sinful, and yet I enjoyed it. It hurt a little, Rawden, but there was pleasure beyond it. Oh, but I should not speak of it,’ she said, lowering her eyes.
Rawden tilted her chin up. ‘Yes, you should.’
‘But there can’t have been any pleasure in that for you?’
He laughed and leant over and kissed her. ‘On the contrary. I liked it very much, especially the way you called out my name as you found your release.’
‘Don’t speak so, Rawden. It is…so…shameful.’
‘Oh, my words shock you now, after what I just did to your body? How can that be so?’
Grace put her face over her hands and groaned. ‘Oh, do stop.’
‘Very well.’ With a strange ache in his heart, Rawden leant in and kissed her forehead. ‘I should go and let you sleep.’
‘Oh,’ she said, looking stricken. ‘Must you? This house is so very strange to me. It creaks and groans.’
‘She has old bones. And I should go before my restraint leaves me and I do something I regret to your beautiful body, Grace.’ Rawden fisted his hands, for his lust was rising again. ‘I am trying to be a gentleman here.’ He shook his head. ‘I made a vow to you, and I just broke it. Do not tempt me to add to my shame, for I have not been a good man this day.’
She gave him the softest, loveliest smile, and Rawden was struck anew by her beauty, her inner glow. ‘I think you might have delivered me from a terrible fate by making me your wife. For that, I thank you, Rawden.’
Guilt was like a dagger plunging into his belly, over and over. ‘Do you not see that I might have delivered you into a worse one, Grace?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘That I am in no way an ideal husband, and I cannot be trusted. I acted for selfish reasons just now. But no matter how selfish, I do not regret it, nor what happened between us. I confess that I have wanted to put my hands on you from the first moment I saw you wriggling your bare toes in the grass. Tell me, do you regret what happened between us just now?’
‘I don’t think I do, no.’
Rawden had to steel himself against climbing back into bed with her, but suddenly Grace put her hands up to her face and wailed, ‘Oh, but what would he think of us, William, I mean?’ she said with a frown.
Unshed tears burned his eyes, and Rawden’s heart clenched. ‘My brother had a generous heart, so he would have wanted you to be happy. He would not have resented us for this. William made me vow that I would see you safe, and so you are, now that you are my wife.’
‘Then why do I feel so guilty, Rawden?’
He gave a bitter smile. ‘You think that I don’t? My young brother should be here on his wedding night with a bride who wants him. I should have been the one to die at Waterloo, for not a soul would have missed me, save for him.’
‘Don’t say that.’
‘Why not,’ he sighed.
‘Because I would not want that for you. I am sorry that you do not have anyone who cares for you, Rawden.’
The softness in her eyes humiliated him. ‘Stop it,’ he snarled. ‘Reject me, despise me, but do not dare give me your pity, Grace.’
Her face twisted. ‘It is not I who rejects you. It is the other way around, for you are leaving my bed on our wedding night.’
‘Ah, so your vanity is pricked from my scruples about consummating our union.’ He sighed, feeling frustration bubble up in his gut like acid and pity wring his heart into knots. ‘Do you want to know why I took you to bed, Grace?’
‘I’m not sure that I do.’
He took hold of her in a tight grip. ‘It was because I was lonely. I saw that you were, too. I was sitting in the dark with thoughts of William torturing me. And I wanted you so badly, but when it came to it, I almost held back from dishonouring you, for William’s sake.’
‘What about for my sake?’
‘You are my wife and mine to dishonour if I want to. And as we are wed, there is no shame in it as far as society is concerned. And now I’ve had a taste, I will always want more. In truth, having you is all I have thought about for days since you said yes, Grace. I thought if I had you, then I would put his ghost to rest, but now it rises again and points an accusing finger at me. ‘Lout, despoiler, liar,’ it says. Which is why I should leave before I do more damage.’
