No matter. If Bryce was vexed at her talking to Lawson, serve him right. They may have made a bargain, but that did not mean he owned her. Yet for some reason, she had not wanted to rub his face in it and did not want to be judged ill. So she had taken Lawson by the arm and steered him out of sight so that Bryce could not bear witness to their conversation.
‘You take far too many risks, Maren.’ Lawson had an edge of contempt to his voice. ‘That is why you ended up in jail.’
‘Where I stayed for four nights without help from you or any other. When you did not come, I thought you had already sailed for France. Did you not get my message?’
‘No, of course not, or else I would have come to your aid, you little fool. Why did you risk getting so close to redcoats in the first place? They are all animals, these Englishmen, make no mistake.’
‘It is a hazard of hanging with drunkards in taverns, that is all. Men spill their secrets when in their cups, and my information has proved useful, has it not?’
‘Aye, men spill their guts to a bonnie lass, but those lowly foot soldiers know nothing of much use to us. And once they tell all, they want more than smiles, don’t they - not content with just looking? Tell me. Do you shame yourself for the cause, Maren?’
Perhaps Lawson did not mean to be cruel, but his words stung like a whip’s lash and choked her response.
‘Remember, lass, there is a difference between patriotism and martyrdom. Scotland does not demand the latter. Now tell me, who was that soft fool on the dock glowering at us? Another Englishman who is fond of you?’
So he had noticed, yet he’d given no indication. ‘Put away your jealousy. He is no one. I am using him, and he is using me. We made a bargain.’
‘For what?’
‘I need to get clear of Balloch for a while. I have agreed to a ruse, a pretence, nothing more. I must go to Inverness with him for a few weeks, well, maybe months. But I will send word if I learn anything about the garrison at Fort George.’
‘I don’t care about Fort George. What are you to him?’
‘Nothing. Less than nothing, but there is a goodly amount of coin in it if I just pretend I am his wife. He will not lay a hand on me. He has sworn this.’
‘And you believe him? Are you running mad to become this man’s plaything?’
‘It is not like that. Oh, Lawson, I have no time to explain, but I will be alright.’
‘Maren, why must you be so pig-headed? Why can you not accept help when it is offered, protection too? You know I would do that for you.’
‘I don’t want help. I am the ruler of my own life. I decide what I do and with whom.’
Lawson shook his head and scowled. ‘How easily you reject a good friend. The life of a sailor’s woman is lonely, but there is certainty in it, and I would treat you well.’
‘You have a wife who waits for you, Lawson, and I will not be your mistress.’
‘Why not? I don’t love the bitch. God, Maren, if you would only see me. I have much to offer – comfort, security, love.’
‘Adultery, shame, loneliness, betrayal,’ she countered.
‘Aye, and this.’ His lips met hers gently, respectfully, as always. And Lawson’s kiss was pleasing, his beard soft as it rasped against her skin, his tongue claiming her own. Yet she felt no stirring of lust, need, or even affection. Something always held her back from surrendering to the man – an instinct, a sense of self-preservation – for he was as slippery as an eel, and his seduction nonchalant, a ‘take it or leave it’ kind of affection.
Tall, brooding Lawson, sea captain and Jacobite sympathiser, adventurer and collector of young girls’ hearts, inspired no yearning in hers, only a vague impatience to be away and getting about her business. Perhaps her heart was closed to affection, and there was only carnal appetite to sate, not love or trust. So Maren pushed him gently away.
‘No, Lawson. I cannot.’
His face fell, and Maren felt a brief stab of pity at wounding his feelings. But they would heal soon enough. Lawson would salve his disappointment with another woman without a second thought. She knew he had them tucked away. It came with the territory for sailors who were away from home and had urges that needed satisfying. There was no doubt in her mind that she was one of many, though his proposal to support her was sincere. Would he be true if she ever gave herself to him, she wondered?
Lawson must have felt her withdrawal, for he stepped back. His jaw worked. ‘If this is your choice, then be on your way, lass, to adventure or doom with that fine fellow. You have always been as stubborn as an ox. I sail for France by month’s end, so I will not be here to ride to your rescue. But heed me, whatever promises that pale fool made you, I’ll wager he’ll not keep them.’
‘I know that, and I am no child to be led by the nose.’
‘No, you are led by a handsome face instead. Is that why you go with him, because he is pretty? You are a fool, Maren, a fool who will come to grief. And if you’ll not have a safe life with me, off you go. But first, I have something for you.’
He rushed away, and Maren was left to the groaning of the ship’s timbers and the bitter taste of regret. Lawson returned and handed her a small musket with carved silver inlaid into the grip. She turned it over in her hands.
‘Stole it off a French privateer along with the rest of his cargo,’ said Lawson proudly. ‘Tis a woman’s weapon. Not suitable for me.’
