‘He left me and moved back?’ Tilly says, unable to stop herself.
Ellen’s eyes flick up to Tilly’s, her mouth opening wider. Then she presses her lips together.
‘No. I wanted youbothto move back.’ She hesitates, glancing sideways at Tilly. ‘Him leaving you and coming back alone was only Plan B.’
Despite it all Tilly laughs. It breaks something in the air and Ellen’s lips twitch, her eyes sparkling mischievously.
‘I made it that obvious, huh?’
‘You tried to talk us out of getting married.’
Ellen’s face cracks, pain sparking behind her eyes.
‘Tilly, that’s not –’ She takes a breath, steadying herself against the frame of the small bed. ‘I regret what I said that Thanksgiving. I was just adjusting to the thought of my son being so far awayfor good. Of having grandkids that I might only get to see a couple of times a year. I didn’t handle it well.’ She reaches to briefly touch the toy dog on the pillow. ‘It all seems so ridiculous now. To think that the UK was too far away to bear … He could beanywherein the world as long as he was OK.’
Watching Joe’s mother sat on her son’s childhood bed, Tilly’s heart breaks for her. She crosses the room, sits down besideher and wraps an arm around her shoulder. Ellen hesitates for a second, before placing a hand briefly on Tilly’s lap.
‘Thank you,’ she says in a choked voice.
Tilly gives Ellen a moment to compose herself, then says the thing she wishes she’d had time to say to Joe.
‘I would have moved with him, you know.’
Ellen’s head spins so she is facing Tilly. ‘What?’
‘I didn’t want to at first,’ Tilly continues. ‘I had my job and my life, and moving isn’t something we’d ever seriously talked about. We fought about it …’
The arguments flash through her mind, her heart constricting at the thought of every disagreement. Ellen is watching her closely, perfectly still.
‘But that was just at first,’ Tilly continues, sniffing. ‘Over time I realized how homesick he was. His desk was covered in photos of you all. Every time summer turned to autumn he’d start wearing his old varsity jacket from college. His computer screensaver was a picture of the Connecticut trees in the fall. And whenever we’d go to visit my family I’d see how much heachedfor that himself – to have family meals with the people he grew up with. I realized none of the other stuff mattered. Ilovedhim. I didn’t want him to be unhappy. So I started looking for jobs in New York. I didn’t tell him because I wanted to surprise him when it was all sorted. I was even offered a job.’
‘Tilly …’
Her mind floods with memories and thoughts of how differently things might have gone.
‘I was going to tell Joe about the job, but the day I got it was the day he got his cancer diagnosis.’
She pictures walking through their front door, her heart racing, a smile already creeping across her face. It had been hard to keep her interviews a secret, but it would be worth itwhen she saw the look on his face and he realized that she had changed her mind.
But when she stepped into the living room he was sat on the sofa, his shoulders hunched, and for the first time in forever his face didn’t light up as she entered the room. The sparkle had gone from his eyes, their intense blue dull and lined with red. That was when he told her he’d been feeling off for weeks but had thought it was just some sort of virus.
‘Why didn’t you tell me?’ she asked him.
‘I didn’t want to worry you when it was probably nothing …’
It struck her then how they’d both been keeping something from each other.
Sat in his childhood bedroom now, Tilly pictures Joe’s face when he told her that the doctor had done some tests and he’d got the results. ‘It’s something, Tils.’
She takes a deep breath, meeting Ellen’s eye again.
‘Once he got his diagnosis, we were so focused on all the doctor’s appointments that moving didn’t seem an option any more, so I didn’t say anything. The priority was just to get him the treatment he needed. But I can’t tell you how much I wish it could have been different. I wish I could have brought him back here. I wish I could have told him …’
She crumples then, shoulders rounding, her face tilted down as the tears fill her eyes. There’s a sudden warmth on her skin and Ellen’s hand is covering Tilly’s own.
‘Tilly,’ she says softly. ‘There’s something you need to know.’
36
