He concentrates on tying a careful bow. If he can tie the perfect bow then perhaps he can block out the feeling of fear that rises in his chest like an encroaching tide line, threatening to pull him off his feet.
Catching Alfie’s expression, Blue gives his arm a reassuring squeeze. Her smile tells him everything’s going to be OK, and he does his best to try to believe her, even though a voice in his head tells him it might be too late for that.
Tilly pauses outside the shop, looking back in through the glass. The customer Alfie was helping is still talking. Blue has a hand on Alfie’s arm and is looking at him with such tenderness that Tilly wonders how she hasn’t noticed before that they are a couple. Their intimacy with one another is suddenly obvious. It’s an easy kind of affection, the kind she used to have with Joe.
She turns quickly away from the window, her heart clenching. She needs to get home. She has a book to open.
23
The park beneath Primrose Hill is busy with people: dog walkers throwing sticks, and couples strolling beneath the trees heavy with blossom. It’s one of the first warm days of spring and there is an ice-cream van parked optimistically on the road nearby, getting decent business judging by the sight of people walking past clutching Mister Whippy cones, some still in knitwear but others bare-legged.
Tilly pauses at the bottom of the hill to tighten the laces on her running trainers.
‘Right, Joe,’ she says under her breath as she straightens, fixing her eyes on the steep path ahead of her. ‘I suppose I’d better do this.’
She makes it less than halfway up the hill before having to stop, veering off the path and throwing herself on to the grass. Her chest rises and falls rapidly and she flops backwards, staring up at the sky.
‘Jesus, did I really use to enjoy this?’
What I Talk About When I Talk About Runningby Haruki Murakami sits reproachfully on the coffee table, Tilly’s trainers kicked off underneath.
‘I’m not sure I ever want to put them back on again,’ she says, giving them a shove. ‘I didn’t make it to the top of the hill but I did get a blister.’
‘But you and Joe used to love running,’ Harper replies as shepours tea from Tilly’s favourite Alice in Wonderland-themed teapot.
‘I don’t think anyone ever loves running, they just love how they feel after they’ve been running. And I don’t even love that right now …’
‘I bet this guy loves running,’ Harper says, gesturing towards the book. ‘You don’t write a whole book about running unless you love running. And you don’t give a book to someone about running unless you love running, either. Joe loved running.’
‘That’s true.’
She tried earlier to imagine Joe running alongside her, cheering her on.Mouse, you can do it, he would have said. But it didn’t stop the aching in her legs or the way her heart hammered as though knocking at her ribs and telling her toplease, just stop!
‘I guess he’s trying to nudge you back into running again with this month’s book, then?’ says Harper.
It’s the first time they’ve seen each other since Tilly’s Paris trip, Harper having been away on a work trip to Montenegro when Tilly got back. On that first evening back the flat had felt even emptier than ever, after a few weeks hanging out withCécileand the Paris Grief Gang. But their WhatsApp group has continued pinging with messages ever since.
‘How long has it been since you last ran?’
‘About eighteen months.’
‘Wow. Joe would have made an excellent personal trainer, he’s literally managing to motivate you from beyond the grave. Only Joe –’ Harper looks up suddenly and meets Tilly’s eye. ‘Sorry, that was too much.’
‘No, it’s OK, you’re right. Only Joe. Here, read the letter and then I’ll tell you why I asked you to come over.’
‘Not just to catch up with your favourite sister?’ Harper says with a raised eyebrow as Tilly slips the letter out of the back of the book and hands it over.
‘That, too, but there’s something else. Read first. I’ll go get biscuits, we definitely need biscuits.’
The flat is so small that the kitchen area is just a step away from the sofa, meaning Tilly can hear clearly as Harper reads Joe’s latest words out loud.
Dear Tilly,
Is the sun shining yet? I’ve always loved London in the spring. Cherry blossom and magnolia trees, rose gardens and bandstands – London’s parks were made for spring. And they were made for running. Doing loops around Primrose Hill and down the canal to Regent’s Park made me fall in love with this city. (A certain redhead might have had something to do with it too.)
I’ve never been one for words so I’ve borrowed another’s to express how I feel about running. I listened to this as an audiobook while running a few years ago, and it’s stayed with me because so much of it matched how I feel about being a runner.
Murakami talks about running every day being one of the best habits he ever cultivated and it making him better able to face life. I’d have to agree.
