Tears well in her eyes in the silence that follows.
‘No,’ Lola says softly. ‘And I bet that feels confusing.’
Tilly nods, wiping her face and tucking her legs under her on the sofa.
‘Before, when I thought Alfie had a girlfriend, I could tell myself that we were just friends. But if I’m honest with myself, there have been … other moments.’
The feel of his firm hands on her bare skin, stopping her from tripping into the canal. The two of them alone in the bookshop after the book club, sharing wine, knees almost touching. Him sat beside her in the tiny tent he’d helped her put together, exuding his warmth and his smell. The relief of seeing him at the airport, and how she hadn’t even thought about it before she’d thrown her arms around him, sinking into the reassuring feeling of his solid chest.
‘I think maybe the idea of him having a girlfriend was an excuse – a way for me to ignore how I felt. To pretend it wasn’t happening. Because I didn’t want to admit I was getting close to someone who isn’t Joe. Because what does that say about me? He was the love of my life. I can’t be feeling this way about someone else.’
‘I felt the same way when I first started dating Malcolm,’ says John, making both Tilly and Lola widen their eyes, momentarily speechless.
‘You have aboyfriend?’ Lola says.
‘We’re long distance at the moment,’ John blushes, taking another sip of tea. ‘He lives in London. But we’ve been together some time. I had to take things slowly at first. I didn’t think I was ready for anything serious. But he … he’s made me feel alive again.’
‘You lookgiddy, John,’ says Lola, and Tilly has to agree that he suddenly looks about ten years younger, his eyes sparkling.
‘I’ll be honest,’ Lola continues, ‘I haven’t dated since Larry. But I think I would like to. With the right person. I don’t wantto think that’s it, for me, when it comes to love. Why should it be? Something awful happened to me. The worst thing. Why shouldn’t I be allowed to be happy again? I know that’s what Larry would want for me.’
‘I think,’ says John, clearing his throat for a moment before continuing, ‘maybe we don’t get just one love of our lives. Maybe we all have room in our hearts for more than one story. I will always love Henri, and Malcolm understands that. What we have is different. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t real. And with him I feel … happy.’
‘Does Alfie make you feel happy?’ Lola asks.
Tilly doesn’t even have to think about her reply. ‘Yes.’
Whenever she visits the bookshop, she is always glad to see him, and on the days when he isn’t there, she has to hide her disappointment.
‘But even if hedoes, I have no idea if he feels the same way.’ She thinks back to how he stepped away from her in the green room earlier, putting as much space as possible between them.
‘Then maybe you need to find out,’ says Lola with a smile.
John nods from the screen of Tilly’s phone.
‘What if I get my heart broken? I don’t know if I could survive that again.’
‘Loveisscary. But life is short, Matilda. We know this more than most, don’t we? You deserve happiness, my dear. Don’t you forget that.’
Once Tilly has thanked them and they’ve said goodbye, she flops back against the sofa cushions, emotionally exhausted after the day and the conversation. With effort she drags herself over to the fridge, hoping there are enough ingredients inside for something quick and easy. But before opening the door her eyes fall on something pinned there with a magnet: Harper’s wedding invitation.
Just two weeks away.
Her attention catches on one phrase in Harper’s handwritten note:You can bring a friend if you like.
Tilly had thought about inviting Rachel, but she has plans with family that weekend, so she’s settled on the idea of going alone, but the thought now fills her with more than a little dread.
When Tilly considers who else she might bring, who would make her feel calmer, who she would want to spend the day with, there’s only one person who comes to mind.
53
The day of Harper’s wedding is cold and grey but The Old Brewery is a riot of colour, with red and pink flowers everywhere. The ceiling is draped in fairy lights and strung with paper cranes that Tilly and Harper have toiled over, fuelled by countless cups of tea and shortbread biscuits. Some are a little lopsided, but Tilly doesn’t think it particularly matters.
Tilly sneaks a glance around the door where she, Harper and their parents wait, looking out at the crowd of people fidgeting in their seats and turning to chat to one another.
‘I think everyone’s ready,’ Tilly whispers, catching the eye of the celebrant at the front of the room who gives her a nod.
‘How does Raj look?’ Harper asks anxiously, smoothing down the front of her white silk jumpsuit. Harper’s bridal outfit is very much Harper, the sleeves trimmed with feathers, and a crown of pink and red flowers on her head that matches the smaller one Tilly wears.
