Tilly freezes as Harper reappears in the doorway, looking at her strangely.
‘No one.’ But they both know she’s lying. And even though Harper doesn’t say the words out loud Tilly can tell from her expression exactly what she wants to say.
It’s time for you to move on.
Harper glances at the time on her phone. ‘It’s still early, shall we go to the pub? Or catch a late-night film? Or there’s this new cocktail bar I’ve been meaning to try that sounds amazing …’
‘I don’t think so.’
‘It might do you good to get out. Have some fun.’
Tilly doesn’t say that by her recent standards this eveninghasbeen fun. She’s talked with another human and hasn’t touched her work laptop or cried once since Harper arrived. But she is pretty sure Harper has a different definition of fun.
Her sister glances at her phone again. ‘Well, some friends have just messaged asking me to come join them at a partyactually, so …’ Her face lights up with the promise of a night of laughter and new memories made.
‘Go, have a great time,’ Tilly says, pecking her sister on the cheek and feeling a lot older than the two years that really separate them.
After Harper has left, the silence in the flat is broken by the sound of Tilly’s phone ringing.
Ellen Carter.
She contemplates answering but before she can make up her mind it goes to voicemail.
‘Hi, Tilly, it’s Ellen. I’m just checking in. I hear it’s been rainy there. I don’t know how you cope with all the grey in London. It makes me depressed just thinking of it! The grandkids are just arriving so I should go. Everyone says hello. Bye for now.’
Tilly sits in the echo of the voice that she has always thought of as the female version of Joe’s.
The first time she heard it in person was when she went to meet Joe’s parents in Connecticut, the autumn just a couple of months after they’d started dating. It felt quick by her previous relationship timelines but Joe had already planned the trip, saying he always tried to go back in the fall because it was when he missed home the most. When he invited her, it felt natural to say yes; they’d spent most days together since meeting in Foyles and going on their first official date, when Joe took her to the British Library followed by a nearby pub.
Tilly thought the trip was going well. Joe’s parents had welcomed her warmly and she’d made a point of complimenting everything – the food, Joe’s childhood home (bigger and more beautiful than he’d let on) and the neighbourhood (dotted with large wooden houses and trees in full autumn splendour).
But on the last night, when Joe’s family thought Tilly was inthe shower, she caught the sound of Ellen’s voice downstairs in the living room.
‘Tilly seems verysweetbut are you sure she’s the best fit for you?’
Tilly had come out in search of a towel and paused on the landing, holding her breath.
‘What do you mean?’ Joe’s voice came in reply. Tilly can still remember how firm he sounded. ‘She’s perfect.’
‘Forsomeone, maybe. But I never imagined you with someone so … bookish. She doesn’t seem very outdoorsy – none of the shoes she brought were remotely appropriate for the hikes we planned. I’m just not really sure what the two of you have in common.’
‘It doesn’t matter that we have different interests. I love that she’s different from me. I love everything about her.’
‘You know we only want you to be happy, honey. I just can’t help but think that maybe you’d be happier longer term with someone who’s a better fit for you. Didn’t you think it was odd that she sat on the side reading a book at our family football game yesterday? Our annual game is atradition.’
‘She’s never played football before. And she’s not really a sports person.’
‘Neither am I. But I join in every year, don’t I? Because we Carters are joiner-iners. You’re a joiner-iner, you always have been. But Tilly seems more like someone who watches life from the sidelines rather than someone who jumps in. I never imagined you with someone like that.’
Tilly didn’t hear what Joe said next, if anything at all, because instead he stormed out of the room.
Ellen was all smiles for the rest of the trip, hugging Tilly just as tightly as they said goodbye. But Tilly couldn’t stop thinking about what she’d overheard. Especially because she worried there was some truth to Ellen’s words. Shewashappier curledup with a book than doing pretty much anything else. Did Joe deserve someone more adventurous and outgoing?
Even after she and Joe moved in together, and eventually got married, she never felt quite good enough for the Carter family.
She’s surprised that Ellen has even bothered keeping in touch now that Joe isn’t here. She should probably return her mother-in-law’s call but instead she reaches for her laptop, planning on sending some emails and reading some of the manuscripts she’s working on, making notes to send back to the authors. As soon as she looks at the screen she realizes she’s too tired to work. But the prospect of slipping into her big empty bed doesn’t feel tempting either.
That’s when her gaze catches on the copy ofMatildathat has sat on her coffee table for the last month, staring reproachfully at her. This time, instead of ignoring it, she picks it up. The edition is so fresh and crisp that the spine creaks satisfyingly as she turns to open the first page.
