Her thoughts turn immediately to the curly-haired man who smells like icing sugar and pesto, who she can sense moving about in the deli beneath the flat even if she can’t see him. A man who understands the drive that sits at the very core of her being, spurring her on even when it’s hard. Who doesn’t want to rein her in or dull her shine.You’re fucking luminous, he had told her. And when she’s with him, she feels as if maybe she could be.
‘I think you should probably go,’ she says, but softly now.
Max hesitates for a moment and then nods. They share a brief awkward hug that she instantly regrets instigating.
‘I’m sorry again about the furniture,’ he says as he pauses for a second at the doorway. ‘I think I’m going to stay with Mum and Dad for a bit, so I don’t even need it. I’ll bring it all back.’
But Phoebe shakes her head. ‘Don’t. I actually like my new things.’ They make her think of her new friends and the new life that she is building for herself. A life where there’s space for other things and other people to matter alongside her work.
‘Even the sofa?’ he asks, wrinkling his nose.
‘Especially the sofa.’
When Phoebe’s phone rings just after the door closes on Max, the sound makes her jump. Bloody hell. She just wants to get downstairs to Luca and to explain that Max is well and truly out of the picture. And just hope that he’s still interested despite the way she dropped his hand when Max turned up on the scene.
But when she sees the name on her phone screen, she picks up immediately.
CHAPTER 50
‘Is it true?’ Ben asks as soon as Phoebe answers. ‘Are we not allowed to swim in the river anymore?’ His voice sounds tight and choked, as though he’s trying very hard to not cry. ‘I read something in the paper,’ he adds. ‘Saying the river is full of pollution. And the thing is, I don’t even care. I can close my mouth. Have a shower after. I liked swimming there. I mean, it’s not football. But still … It made me feel good. It made me feel happy.’
He takes a couple of sharp inhales. She should have let him know the news herself. But, what with the date and then the emergency meeting, there hadn’t been time.
‘I know it’s a shock. And disappointing, especially after what happened with the football club. Are you doing OK? I can come and see you if you’re feeling especially low, or like hurting yourself?’
There’s a sniff on the other end of the line, but when hespeaks again, his voice sounds a little bit steadier. ‘No, it’s OK. It’s just so unfair.’
‘It is. But I don’t want this to be over either. I loved swimming with you all too and really want to be able to keep doing it.’ As she says it, an idea comes to her. ‘Actually, a group of us are getting together to try to do what we can to clean up the river and save our swimming spot. We will need plenty of volunteers to help. If you’re interested?’
‘You think we can do something about it?’
There’s such a note of hope in his voice that it makes her hopeful too, renewing her determination.
‘Yes, I do. It won’t be easy, but then you know all about dealing with things that aren’t easy, don’t you?’
‘You really thinkIcan help?’
Phoebe thinks about all the ways life has knocked this young man back, never giving him the confidence to feel he could amount to much. But Phoebe has always seen the potential for joy in him, the way he lights up when he talks about Arsenal football club or how he chatted so animatedly with Maude and the others when he was down by the river. She believes in him and his capacity to take charge of his own life, regardless of all the stones that have been thrown at him. If she didn’t, she would have quit her job a long time ago.
‘Yes, I do.’
‘OK. You just tell me what you need me to do, Nurse Harrison,’ he says firmly – and once she is off the phone, she contacts the other members of the Mental Health Wild Swimming Group to let them know the news.
‘That’s OK,’ says Maude. ‘I was more interested in the beesanyway. Hamish says I can keep visiting to help out.’
But the others seem just as concerned as Ben.
‘I know I didn’t actually swim with you all,’ says Tara. ‘But I hoped that next time I might.’
The fact that Tara, who hadn’t left her house in months up until that point, has been thinking about a ‘next time’ breaks Phoebe’s heart but strengthens her resolve all at once.
After doing her best to reassure both Tara and Camilla, who also tells her how much the visit to the river helped both her and Amanda, Phoebe types an email to Mel, updating her on everything that has happened.
All of this news means that my new mental health wild swimming group has been temporarily suspended. I hope to get it started again eventually, but at the moment it’s uncertain. However, myself and a group of other swimmers have decided to launch a campaign to clean up the river and protect it for future generations. And I was hoping to get my patients involved, if they’re interested.
I know it’s not the same sort of group I initially planned, but I thought that volunteering might still bring our patients a sense of community and belonging. It’s these things – feeling connected and feeling part of something – that I’ve seen make the biggest difference to the people I’ve worked with over the years. Isn’t that what we all crave? I certainly know it’s something I’m trying to make more time for in my own life.
Anyway, I know this will probably impact on our conversations about a promotion, as my scheme to start the river swimming club has been far from a success. In fact, you could say it’s been a complete failure.
