As soon as Mel asks the question, Phoebe bursts into tears.
‘I-I’m s-sorry,’ she says, wiping furiously at her face with her sleeve. But however hard she wipes her face, the tears keep on falling.
‘You don’t have to apologise, Phoebe,’ Mel says, pushing a box of tissues across the table towards her. Phoebe takes one gratefully, blowing her nose loudly.
‘This is so unprofessional. I’msosorry.’
‘Stop saying sorry!’ Mel barks.
‘But this is so bloody embarrassing. I’m stronger than this! I never cry at work!’
Another sob courses through her, making her shoulders shake.
‘You’re not a robot, Phoebe,’ says Mel. ‘You’re only human. And I would say that being “only human” is one of your great strengths in your job. We’re not so different from our patients, really, and that’s important to remember.’
Mel passes her another tissue but looks completely unfazed. At least that’s one good thing about having your breakdown in front of a mental health nurse, Phoebe supposes.
Once she has just about managed to pull it together, Mel leans forward slightly in her chair. ‘Why don’t you tell me what’s been going on?’
And because there doesn’t seem any other option but to tell the truth now that she has snot and tears dripping down her face, Phoebe tells Mel everything. About the break-up with Max and her feelings of failure about yet another relationship down the drain, plus the pressure it has put on her financially. She talks about Ben and Camilla, Maude and Tara and her worries for them and all her other patients too. How those worries have grown heavier and heavier recently, piling on top of her until she feels crushed at the bottom of the heap. She even tells her about the drinking, how it started as a way to unwind after a long day but has gradually become more than that. It used to be her way of dealing with her problems, but now it feels as though it’s started to create its own problems. She keeps wondering if things with Luca would have gone differently last night if she’d stopped at the one glass of wine. Every time she thinks about the way he stepped backwards, her whole body cringes.
And then she tells Mel about her grandmother.
‘I haven’t seen her in too long,’ she explains. ‘I’ve been a completely shit granddaughter. What if I never get to see her again?’
The tears have at least stopped by now, leaving her face smudged with streaks of make-up.
‘Oh, Phoebe. I wish you had said something sooner. You, of all people, should know that problems only get worse if you let them pile up without talking about them.’
‘I know. Bit of a bloody hypocrite, aren’t I?’
‘We can often be the worst at taking our own advice. When we do jobs like we do, it can be easy to forget about looking after ourselves.’
‘I don’t think I’ve been very good at doing that.’ If she’s honest with herself, she isn’t sure she’s ever made space for it. She’s known since she was young that this was the job she wanted to do and has always been motivated by a fierce drive. But in the midst of it all, she’s lost her way. She’s lost herself.
‘You’re definitely not the first person to sit down in that chair and tell me something like this. Why do you think I keep a box of tissues on my desk?’
They share a laugh.
‘I’ve been in your same position in the past too. It’s not easy, looking after ourselves. But it’s so important. It’s themostimportant thing, in fact. So I want you to take next week off work. I’ll sort out cover. Go and be with your family. Take some time. And when you get back, we’ll talk about next steps, OK?’
Phoebe can’t remember the last time she took a whole week off work. But she’s too exhausted to refuse. ‘OK. Thank you.’
‘You’re an excellent nurse, Phoebe. You are dedicated to your patients and have a knack for not just listening to them but reallyhearingthem. You’ve always been incredibly organised and diligent too, which I’ve always admired but never expected because our jobs are so hectic. You can take a day or two to get your notes up to date and you don’t have to reply to emails in the middle of the night – in fact, I’d really rather you didn’t.’
‘I just really care about this job. Even when it’s really fucking hard, I do love what I do.’
‘I know you do. And you are great at your job. But I think you need to look at the other areas in your life too.’
As Mel passes her a final tissue, it hits Phoebe that her boss might just be right.
CHAPTER 34
The bridal boutique is on a pretty little street in Islington full of vintage shops, homeware stores and the kind of sparsely stocked boutiques that smell like Diptyque candles and where it isn’t certain exactly what they actually sell, but whatever it is, you want to buy it. Kate pushes the pram swiftly along the pavement, checking the address from Leonie on her phone.
Pulling into Paddington station with Rosie in tow, Kate had experienced a buzz of excitement. The guard helped her and the pram down off the train and then they were swept up into the crowds, the sound of buses and taxis filtering in from the street outside and pigeons flapping above them on the ornate rafters of the station.
It took her longer than she had expected to make her way to Islington. She’d had to make a quick detour to the station toilets to change Rosie’s nappy and give her a feed before heading to the Underground.
