Before Kate has time to process the fact her mum is brushing her off again, Jay is stepping into the kitchen and sniffing the air appreciatively.
‘Wow, it smells amazing in here. You didn’t have to do this.’
‘I wanted to.’
They eat outside under the apple tree, Rosie lying in the Moses basket in the grass, looking up through the leaves and kicking her arms and legs. As they eat, Kate tells Jay about her morning swim and the experience with the Tired Mums Club and he talks about some upcoming shoots and what he has left to do in the studio. She’d gone in to visit him out there this afternoon with Rosie and had been blown away by the progress he’d made. The dusty old outbuilding has been transformed into a bright white space, with portraits of her and Rosie on the walls that he’d got her to pose for not long after Rosie was born. She had felt incredibly awkward but knew it meant a lot to him and he’s a great photographer, so the photos are nice, even if she does look a little dead behind the eyes.
Rosie starts to cry and Kate reaches for her, bouncing her gently. As soon as she’s in Kate’s arms, she settles and a warmth spreads through Kate’s body at the satisfaction of being able to comfort her.
‘So, I’ve been meaning to tell you something … Emma is going wedding dress shopping in London tomorrow, and I’d like to go.’
Kate’s conversation with Phoebe decided it for her. She realised she was at risk of letting her hurt feelings get in the way of being there for her friend. And that maybe they might be struggling with the shift in their friendship too.
‘Leonie invited me and I wasn’t going to go, but I think I should. I want to. I know it’s quite last minute though …’
Jay shakes his head. ‘It’s OK, I think it’s great that you wantto go. You’d regret it if you missed out. How about we all go together on the train? I can hang out nearby with Rosie in case she won’t take the bottle and I need to bring her to you for a quick feed?’
‘That would be amazing,’ Kate replies, relieved. Because making the decision was only one step – next she had to work out the logistics of getting to London for the day when she has a three-month-old who often refuses a bottle. To think that before having Rosie she used to justleave her housewithout thinking. Sometimes she’d just grab her keys and a book and go and sit on her favourite bench in Brockwell Park and read, not even taking a bag with her. Now, getting out and about feels like a military operation.
‘Oh shit,’ Jay says suddenly. ‘I just remembered. I’ve got a shoot tomorrow. It’s been in the diary for ages. I’d completely forgotten about it.’
Kate holds Rosie a little tighter, feeling her nestle into her chest and glancing down at her sleepy, contented face. Looking at the expression of calm and ease on her daughter’s face gives Kate a burst of courage.
‘It’s OK,’ she replies. ‘I’ll take her with me.’
‘Are you sure you’ll be OK on your own?’ Jay asks anxiously. ‘That sounds like a lot, navigating a train and the Underground and everything with her …’
Maybe it will be a lot. But then, the past few months have been a lot. And she’s still here, isn’t she? After everything she’s been through, she reckons she can handle London’s transport system.
‘It will be fine. I did live in London for years. I’m not a tourist. I’ve got this.’
Once they’ve talked through the logistics for tomorrow, Kate passes Rosie over to Jay.
‘Can you just take her for a second? I’m going to message Leonie to let her know I’m coming.’
Her reply comes in a few seconds later.
Leonie:Ahhh! I’m so pleased you’re coming. Em will be too! xx
Kate:Thanks, can’t wait to see you. Can you not tell Emma? I want it to be a surprise xx
Leonie:Great idea. She’ll be so happy! Xx
Kate busies herself with plans for the next day, making a list of everything she needs to take with her for herself (not much) and Rosie (a lot). As she thinks about going to London for the first time since moving and having Rosie, and seeing her friends again, she switches between extreme excitement and extreme nerves. Because what if Leonie is wrong? What if, after their last conversation and the distance that’s grown between them since, Emma isn’t happy to see her at all?
CHAPTER 33
Phoebe isn’t quite sure how she has makes it through the rest of the day. After the phone call from her mum, she just wants to jump on her motorbike and ride to Cornwall. But she has a job to do. She stays with Ben until he is calmer, updating his notes to let the rest of the team know to be on high alert. For the rest of the day, she listens to her patients and delivers their medication and types up her notes, trying to keep her mind on her work while sneaking glances at her phone to check for updates from her mum. She can’t stop picturing her grandmother lying unconscious on the bathroom floor.
Normally, it’s hard enough to maintain a smile in the face of tough moments with her patients. To keep her voice calm and steady as she bears witness to the challenges in their lives and, often, the trauma in their past. But this afternoon the stories of her patients and the sense of how much they need from her felt overwhelmingly heavy. It’s too much.
And now she is tumbling into Mel’s office at the clinic, herbag hanging from her shoulder and her red hair tangled from the motorbike ride, feeling as though she has been fed through a pulveriser; she just wants to crumple into a messy heap on the floor.
‘Phoebe, it’s good to see you,’ says Mel from behind her desk stacked with paperwork, a pinboard with medical posters providing a backdrop. ‘Come in and sit down.’
Phoebe tries her best to keep her expression neutral. This is the first meeting they’ve had in a long time and she needs it to go well. If her boss thinks she’s having some sort of breakdown, she’s hardly likely to consider her for the promotion that Phoebe so desperately needs now that Max is gone and she’s got the entire rent and bills to pay by herself. She’s always prided herself on staying strong and holding it together at work. It’s a requirement of the job – being resilient and pushing your own problems to the side to make space for the people who need you. The people you are paid to look after.
‘How are things going, Phoebe?’
