‘There’s so much stuff like that, isn’t there?’ chips in the twins’ mother, balancing one on each hip. ‘Stuff you don’t say about how hard this all is because you don’t want anyone to judge you for it, or to think you’re not grateful for what you have.’
‘Why don’t we say it all now?’ Kate suggests, feeling a butterfly spread its wings and flutter in her stomach. ‘If you’re happy to, that is?’
The women don’t need encouraging. One by one, as they sip their cappuccinos and hold their children, the women share their stories – their true stories. The woman who has been getting therapy to deal with PTSD following a traumatic birth and still can’t go back to the hospital where her son was born. The occasional fantasies about running away to a tinycottage by the sea where absolutely no one could follow you. All the times that they have doubted themselves and their roles as mothers, feeling as though they are getting it all wrong.
Eventually, once the tears have stopped and hugs and smiles have been shared, Kate asks something that has been bothering her since she first met the group.
‘One thing I didn’t get to do last time I was here was learn all your names.’
As babies are bounced on knees and rocked in arms, Kate gets to know Lexi, Jess, Sophie and Olivia. Women who exist in their own right beyond their children, even if at times they might forget it. She learns that Lexi runs her own marketing business and Jess used to compete in triathlons and is just getting back into running, Sophie is a chemical engineer and Olivia went to the same university as Kate and her passion is roller skating.
And, most important of all, she realises that they have all been in, if not the exact same position as her, then something very similar. They have all struggled and done what they can to get by, which has often meant keeping the truth about their feelings hidden. They have all felt desperate at times, lonely, and afraid. But they are all still here, rocking and nursing their babies while also trying to maintain relationships with their partners and friends and return to work and maybe get back to exercising or perhaps contemplate an evening out one day soon, even if they will have to leave by nine because otherwise they might fall asleep in a pub corner. They’re all exhausted but trying their best.
One by one, the babies start to get restless until a Mexicanwave of crying spreads around the group and the women begin to gather their things to leave, but not before exchanging phone numbers. As Kate says goodbye to them all, she can’t believe how close she suddenly feels to these women that she had been so nervous about seeing again. Last time, the conversation had felt at times as though they were competing to win the prize of best mother. But now Kate can see how much of it was just a front, a way of protecting themselves. And that these women aren’t her competition. They’re her teammates.
Just before she leaves the café, a thought enters Kate’s mind and she pauses to ask a final question.
‘Have any of you ever tried wild swimming?’
CHAPTER 31
The first half of the day passes by as normally as any day ever does for Phoebe: checking in with existing patients, getting to know new ones and, leant against her motorbike, typing up her notes between appointments. By mid-afternoon, she is tired, but satisfyingly so. She’s making good progress on her appointment list and is looking forward to her meeting with Mel and to the thought of a weekend stretching ahead of her, even if she will have to lay low and avoid Luca after what happened.
But as she is about to head to the next appointment in her calendar, her phone rings – and as soon as she answers, she knows that something is very wrong.
‘Ben? What is it?’
But she can’t hear his words between his rapid, rasping breaths.
‘Take a deep breath. It’s OK.’ She can’t make out any words, just broken, painful sobs.
She isn’t due to see him today. He’d been doing so much better. Yes, when she visited yesterday, he had seemed ever so slightly withdrawn compared to the exuberant energy of their previous meeting. But, overall, he seemed like a different person to the young man she had first met several months ago.
‘Where are you?’ she asks, her voice firm now.
Ben just about manages to get out the fact that he is at home. Phoebe glances at her watch. She can be there in fifteen minutes. Quicker than an ambulance.
‘Are you hurt? Do you need to get to hospital?’
‘No,’ he manages. ‘No, I’m OK. But can you come over? Please.’
‘Of course,’ she replies quickly. She’ll send a message to Mel and get her to inform her later patients that things might need to be rearranged. But she’ll get there. ‘I’ll be with you very soon, OK, Ben? I’ll be there really soon.’
Her hands shake as she straddles her motorbike and revs the engine. It’s times like these that she feels especially grateful for her bike.I’ll be there soon, she tells herself as she zips down the country lanes, just like she told Ben.I’ll be there soon.
When she arrives, she runs up to the front door of the little council house and knocks firmly on the door. The curtains are drawn.
‘Ben? Ben?’ she calls, through the letter box. ‘Are you there?’
There’s a painfully long pause, in which Phoebe can feel her heart pounding in her chest, her palms growing sweaty. She can’t help but remember the times over the years when she has turned up to a home like this and knocked and knocked on the door but never received an answer.
Memories of her appointments with Ben flash through her mind. The two of them sitting in front of the telly, Ben telling Phoebe the names of all the Arsenal players and Phoebe trying her best to store them all in her mind so she could chat with him about them another time. How, when she brought him a pretzel that time when they’d only recently met, he insisted on sharing it with her. The happy grin on his face when he talked to her about his first session with the football club he’d joined and, later, when he’d told her about the interviews he had lined up.
He might still have his struggles, but his life was just starting to turn around.
She bangs on the door again.
She is just about to dial 999 when the door creaks open and she lets out a sigh of relief at the sight of Ben, gaunt and red-eyed but there.
