Kate looks him dead in the eye now. ‘But of course there is. What kind of mother doesn’t love their baby?’
Because the truth is that when she holds Rosie or feeds her or rocks her to sleep, Kate feels as though she is pretending, acting out some part she doesn’t know the lines for. Inside, she feels numb. And every day that passes, she hates herself a little bit more for it.
Rosie begins to cry in Kate’s arms and she instinctively begins to rock her in the particular rhythm that she has learnt does the best job of soothing her. She strokes the corner of her eyebrow.
‘She deserves so much better than me,’ she says quietly, looking down at her daughter. ‘She deserves the very best.’
‘You know what I think?’ says Jay. ‘I think that love is a verb.’
It’s so surprising that Kate glances at him, her attention pulled away from Rosie. ‘What do you mean?’
‘It’s not just a feeling, but something you do. It’s all theways you show up for a person. Like the way you let me sleep through the night, even when you’re exhausted, because you don’t want me to be tired too. Or how, when I went on that shoot the other day, you sent me photos of Rosie all throughout the day because you knew it’s what I needed.’
‘I knew you missed her,’ she sniffs.
‘Exactly. You were thinking about me. You might not feel the warm, gushy feelings towards Rosie that you thought you would. And I’m so sorry that you haven’t had those feelings yet. I’m no expert, but I think it’s probably normal given everything you went through with the birth. I did get that rush you talk about, but, honestly, I think it was mostly relief. Kate, I wasn’t the one lying there on that hospital bed and I can understand that you probably didn’t get to feel any relief at all.’
‘No,’ she says in a tiny voice. ‘I felt terrified. Istillfeel terrified, even though everyone has assured me she’s perfectly healthy. What if they missed something?’ She looks down at Rosie’s head, stroking her hair. ‘Because for all the things I don’t feel, Idofeel this fierce protectiveness towards her. I know it’s my job to look after her.’
‘Isn’t that love?’ says Jay, causing Kate to frown, thinking. ‘Just because you don’t feel certain feelings you thought you would, that doesn’t mean you don’t love your daughter. You are doing love every time you feed her,constantlythrough the night. Every time you rock her or sing “Wonderwall” to her completely off-key …’
Despite everything, she laughs, her laughter merging with her tears. Jay squeezes her tighter.
‘You’re doing love for her right now.’
They both gaze down at their daughter, her expression pure contentment as she nestles into Kate’s collarbone, her fist wrapped around a lock of Kate’s hair. Kate tries to take a deep breath and consider the possibility that maybe she isn’t such a terrible mother after all.
‘Let me ask you this,’ Jay carries on, his body warm and reassuring against hers. ‘Did you fall in love with me the moment you saw me?’
‘Um …’ She glances at him, wondering if it’s a trick question. They worked with each other for about six months before Kate even really noticed Jay existed. And when they did connect, they were friends at first before it led to anything else. She was nervous about rushing into anything, cautious, like she’s always been in all other areas of her life.
‘Iknowthe answer is no,’ Jay says when Kate doesn’t answer. ‘With us, it happened quicker for me than it did for you. I was smitten early on, but you needed time to get to know me. We still ended up in the same place – both of us in love, because Iknowyou love me, Kate. But what I’m getting at is that people are different and they fall in love differently. Some do it quickly and others, probably quite sensibly, take their time. From everything I know about you, how considered and thoughtful you are about everything you do, it makes sense that you haven’t fallen head over heels with Rosie straight away. You’re getting to know each other. That’s just the wayyoufall in love.’
Thinking about it now, Kate can’t put her finger on the exact moment when her feelings for Jay changed from admiration and friendship to love. It just feels as though it has always been there, this huge love that fills up every bit of her even whenthey are going through a tough patch. But, of course, it wasn’t always there. It grew.
‘You’ll get there, Kate. I know you will. Because I know you and I know that you have a big heart and that once someone finds their way in there, they’re in for good.’
‘Maybe you’re right,’ she says, sniffing and wiping her face.
Jay squeezes her shoulder, pulling her close.
‘I’m not right about that many things. But I’m confident that I’m right about this. I’m right about you, Kate Mathews-Chapman.’
CHAPTER 25
The sun beams down overhead as Phoebe pulls up outside Number 1 Magnolia Street, the tyres of her motorbike crunching on the gravel. She knocks confidently on the door, turning for a second to enjoy the feeling of the sun on her face. The wisteria that covers the façade of the house is in full bloom and from here she can see the gate that leads through to the garden. Hopefully, Camilla has been spending time out there again, the way she used to with her husband. Perhaps she’s out there right now, Phoebe thinks to herself as she steps back from the door, looking around her. When there’s still no answer, she knocks again, louder this time.
She’s about to reach for her phone to try calling when Arabella answers the door. She is dressed just as neatly as before, today in cropped indigo jeans, ballet pumps and a cream blouse.
‘Hello! I was starting to think no one was in,’ Phoebe says brightly, but then she sees Arabella’s expression. ‘Is everything OK?’
Arabella rubs her eyes and Phoebe notices that she looks even more tired than yesterday, regardless of her pristine outfit and make-up.
‘Today isn’t a good day.’
Phoebe’s heart sinks.
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’ She tries to hide the disappointment from her voice. She takes a steadying breath, finding that inner strength that she knows her patients and their families need from her. ‘I’ll have a chat with her and see what we can do to improve things for her. Where is she?’
