She is part of a family WhatsApp group and that’s it. If she scrolled through her phone, she’d find the ghosts of a few WhatsApp groups past, reminders of friendships that she has let fizzle out. A group with a few other nurses, one with her former colleagues on the psychiatric ward and one with some old uni friends. They were all fairly active at one point, but as life and work schedules got more hectic, the messages petered out and eventually stopped completely.
‘Thanks, I’d like that.’
Jazz hands her phone over and Phoebe types her number in then passes it to Kate to do the same.
‘Right, see you all again soon!’
She leaves them chatting and finishing their cakes and heads back up the meadow, her mind switching into work mode and running through her appointment schedule for the day. She’s been worrying about Tara since they last saw each other. The thought of her loneliness has stuck with her, making her heart ache every time she thinks about her. She’s gone over and over in her mind whether the medication is the right choice. But then she remembers how terrifying Tara used to find the voices, especially when they were telling her what to do. It feels sometimes like there’s no perfect answer in her job. There’s no neat solution for the mind, no stitches or cast for the brain.
Then there’s Maude and her beehives. Phoebe might not have promised anything, but she still feels a sense of responsibility. If there’s something that might help her, then she wants to make it happen. But, unfortunately, all her years of training didn’t equip her with the skills to magic beehives out of thin air.
At least she’s feeling positive about her meeting with Camilla Ramsgate after the message she received telling her she had been for a run as promised. It will be good to hear how it went and to be able to tell her about her own side of the bargain. She’s been swimming, not once but twice! She can’t wait to tell Camilla about the kingfisher, and about the other women she met. Hopefully, Camilla has found a running group that’s just as supportive.
Once she’s back at her motorbike and has pulled on herhelmet, Phoebe feels her phone buzz in her jacket pocket. There’s a missed call from her mum and a voice message.
‘Hi, love, hope you’re doing OK. I was just trying on the off chance. It would be great to get a time in to chat; your nan would love to hear from you. She’s doing OK, still adjusting to not having her own space, I think, bless her, but I know she’d love to hear your voice. Anyway, love, give us a call when you can.’
She catches the sound of her father’s voice in the background, adding, ‘Hope you’re not working too hard.’
‘Oh, and send our love to Max,’ her mum adds before ending the call.
Her phone buzzes again, two notifications coming in one after the other. The first is from WhatsApp, telling her she has just been added to a group called FoARSBARWBAC. It’s maybe the longest abbreviation she’s ever read, and she’s used to dealing with medication. She’s not surprised that Kate was expecting a very different kind of group based on the name and yet Phoebe thinks it sort of suits them too. It’s quirky and all-encompassing and they are certainly a motley group who have at the same time made Phoebe feel immediately welcome.
A photo pings through quickly after. It’s the picture Jazz took and shows the five of them huddled up together, hair dripping and huge smiles on their faces, the river behind them.
Great swim this morning, ladies. See you soon! Xx
She hardly recognises herself compared to the reflection she’s grown used to seeing frowning back at her in the bathroom mirror in the mornings. Fuck, she lookshappy.
Next, she clicks on the email notification from her boss, Mel.
Hi Phoebe,
It’s been a while since we last saw each other. Can you meet me at the clinic tomorrow at 5.30 p.m. after your last appointment? It would be great to have a proper catch-up.
Mostly, Phoebe works independently, travelling around to visit her patients, with occasional drop-ins at the clinics. She’s supposed to have regular one-to-ones, but Mel is just as busy as her, even more so, so they often get missed in favour of more time with patients. That’s their priority, after all.
The meeting has been scheduled for tomorrow. It will be their first catch-up in a while and Phoebe would like to have good news to tell her – especially now that Max has gone and she has to start covering rent and bills by herself and the security of her job is more important than ever. Maybe, if she can show Mel that she is handling her heavy workload well, she might even have a chance of a promotion.
As she climbs onto her motorbike, anxiety creeps its way back into her body at the thought of the future and the empty apartment waiting for her. How is she going to afford new furniture on top of everything else? It’s a small village, so if she has to move, it’s unlikely she’ll find anything in Farleigh-on-Avon itself. And she doesn’t want to go, especially not now. Not now she’s an official member of the Farleigh-on-Avon River, Swimming, Bathing and Recreational Water-Based Activities Club. Or FoARSBRWAC for short.
CHAPTER 23
Kate knew it would feel good to get back into the water again, she just didn’t realise quite how good. Her whole body feels lighter, as though the river water has washed everything she’d been carrying away. There’s a pleasant ache in her shoulders and a tingle on her skin. As she walks back to the village after saying goodbye to the other women, she feels alive, euphoric, invincible.
But all of that rapidly disappears as soon as she turns onto the lane that leads to her cottage. She hears it immediately: crying coming from the direction of the Old Post Office. By the time she reaches the cottage, it is so loud that she glances at the neighbouring houses, half expecting to see angry faces peering out the windows. All the peace she felt down at the river shatters, replaced by anxiety and the familiar creeping sense of guilt.
She steadies herself for a second before opening the frontdoor. As soon as she steps inside, she’ll be Mummy again. She just needs one more moment of being just Kate. Tilting her head, she watches a buzzard soar overhead and remembers the feeling of the river water on her skin. And something hits her with the same force as the sound of sobs coming from within the cottage: when she was in the water, she didn’t think of Rosie once.
Kate pushes open the door and drops her swimming bag on the floor, Rosie’s screams reverberating around her.
‘Hello?’
She finds Jay and Rosie in the living room, Jay pacing back and forth with Rosie in his arms, his cheeks almost as flushed as hers. A look of relief appears on his face as soon as he spots Kate.
‘Thank God you’re back!’ His voice sounds exhausted and Kate glances from him to Rosie, whose face is a violent pink, her hands scrunched up into angry fists. Jay holds her against his shoulder, rocking her back and forth, but it doesn’t seem to make any difference.
‘What’s going on?’
