Looking around now as the sun sets into an endless sea, the sand dotted with glowing bonfires and the rest of the island stretching behind us, an island of grass, wildflowers, pine trees and a towering mountain, I feel the beauty of the place as an ache in my bones. It’s a beauty that surprises me, that grabs at my heart and squeezes, that makes me feel almost giddy.
‘I never thought I’d end up living somewhere like this,’ says Alice. ‘But I fell in love. Not just with Jack but with the whole place. It just gets under your skin, somehow.’
Sarah nods.
‘When I left for uni I used to have dreams about this island,’ she says. ‘It’s a place that never leaves you.’
‘I always hoped that itwouldleave me,’ I say quietly.
All those years of nightmares. All those years avoiding any mention of the place where I grew up.
‘But perhaps it’s not theislandyou wanted to escape,’ suggests Sarah, her eyes reminding me so much of the child who was once my best friend. ‘It makes sense that you felt that way about the island and didn’t want to come back. For a long time the islandwasyour parents. I imagine it was impossible to think about one without the other. But now they’re gone. And this island is just an island again. A rainy, far-from-anything, sometimes boring, but sometimes wonderful island. And it’s your island.’
But I shake my head.
‘I don’t think so.’
Today has been wonderful. But I still remember arriving on the island just over two weeks ago and how much of a stranger I felt. Throughout our time here I’ve felt pushed and pulled between familiarity and strangeness. The road I know so well I could drive it with my eyes closed. My brother’s house which is decorated with photos from years I missed, and where I haven’t always felt welcome. The people I recognised immediately when I saw them again after decades apart, faces that have been stored in my mind like books in a library for all these years. The newcomers who seem more like locals than I do. The school and pub that remain largely unchanged and where I spent so much of my youth, the sound and the smell of the sea that I have never forgotten. Is there more that makes me feel at home here or more that makes me feel an interloper, a fraud? I’m still not sure.
‘You’ll always have a place here, Lorna,’ Sarah says firmly as though reading my mind. ‘Even if you went away, even if you still live hundreds of miles away, even if things aren’t always easy. The places we come from stay with us. You’ll always be an islander.’
Chapter 40
Alice
The beach is alive with laughter, conversation and the lingering smells of the barbecue. Looking around, I take in the sight of Ella, Molly and Olive lying side by side in the sand, their legs kicked up behind them as they chat happily with one another. Tess, Joy, Natalia and Kamil sit in a group, helping Harry and Lena build sandcastles that the babies promptly demolish by crawling straight into them. Jean and Christopher sit side by side in deckchairs, Brenda and Morag opposite them. Sarah has risen from her spot beside Lorna and me to help Alfie build a driftwood tower a little further down the beach, and Ben is currently being chased by some of the younger island children. All around me my friends and neighbours smile and laugh, drinking and coming back for second slices of birthday cake.
It’s been a good day, but exhaustion washes over me. I thought I’d be relieved that all the planning has paid off and that Ella has had a good birthday. But I can’t avoid thinking about the future of the island as I watch my friends. For how much longer will we be able to stay here, enjoying each other’s company on this beach that I’ve grown to love? Right now, the small island buzzes with life but I can’t help but picture Caora Island just across the sea, the school abandoned, the buildings crumbling and empty. That island was once full of life too, home to families like ours. A lump lodges itself in my throat.
Music starts up from a portable speaker. Some of the children start to dance, kicking up sand as they shake and wiggle like wild things. Emma and Duncan join in, as do Tess and Joy, Harry carried on Joy’s chest. Natalia and Kamil are next on their feet, Kamil holding Lena and swinging her in his arms.
‘Dance with me?’ asks Jack, suddenly standing in front of me and reaching out a hand. I glance at Lorna.
‘Go!’ she says with a smile. I rise to my feet, joining my husband. He wraps his arms around my waist and we sway together in time with the music. I look into his grey eyes, thinking about everything we’ve been through together over these past few weeks. He lost his parents but gained a sister. Our marriage has been tested, both of us struggling to open up to one another but finally ending up closer. There’s still so much uncertainty ahead, but at least I know that whatever is to come, we have each other.
Over Jack’s shoulder, I watch as Christopher helps Jean up from her deckchair and the two of them start to dance slowly and gracefully. I meet Jean’s eye and she smiles. It takes all my strength to smile back at her instead of weeping. She looks tired, but Christopher holds her tightly, as though he may never let go. I wonder if he will ever be able to, or if he will hold on with all his strength right until the end. Perhaps that’s just what loving a person that much means. He will never stop holding her or wishing for more time.
The group of dancers gradually grows. As Jack twirls me flamboyantly I catch sight of Sarah and Ben, then Lorna and Mallachy. Eventually the girls join us too, Olive dancing with her parents and Ella and Molly coming over to dance beside me and Jack, the two of them holding hands and spinning one another round and round. The group shifts and changes, Lorna stepping apart from Mallachy to dance with Sarah and me, Molly and Jack dancing together for a moment, then Lorna and Ella holding hands and laughing as they twirl. Growing giddy, I eventually retreat to one of the deckchairs and watch the others continue to dance in the sand. I focus first on Lorna and Ella, trying to hold this moment in my mind for when they are no longer here and it’s just the three of us again. Then my eyes drift to Tess and Joy, Harry giggling against Joy’s chest. He swings his chubby legs in time with the music.
Another waft of barbecue smell reaches me, making my stomach lurch. I barely managed any of the food today, even though it looked delicious. It must be the stress. But as I glance again at Joy and Harry my heart starts suddenly to race. In a flash, I remember that word Jack used last night. ‘You’re glowing.’ My heart thuds faster and faster. The light-headedness, the nausea, the tiredness … What if it’s not just stress? I glance at Jack as he dances with Molly, oblivious to the thoughts whirling in my mind. Surely not, after all this time, after all those years of wishing and waiting?It can’t be.
I close my eyes, feeling the sea breeze against my face and trying to control the beating of my heart and the emotions that course through me. I breathe in the smell of the sea and charcoal smoke, listening to the sound of voices and the waves lapping against the shore. Slowly, I reach a hand and rest it gently on my stomach. I take slow, deep breaths, feeling my hand rise and fall.
Chapter 41
Lorna
Some of the youngest children have been taken home but otherwise the celebrations are still in full swing, groups gathered around the bonfires now as the children (and some of the adults) toast marshmallows on the flames. But after the emotion of the day I need to be alone for a moment. I walk up the sand and back towards Hilly Farm. When I reach the track I pause, sitting down on the grassy bank above the beach. It’s nearly dark now, stars beginning to glimmer in the sky.
My head aches slightly, a dull pain from too much beer and so much smiling. It’s been a perfect birthday party – the best that Ella has ever had, I’m sure of it. But I can feel myself dipping slightly now, like the inevitable low that comes after gorging on sweets. I want to savour the last moments of the day like the last dregs in a glass of good wine, but instead I find my thoughts running ahead of me. I told Ella that we would head back to London the day after the party. So, as well as a celebration, today is a goodbye. So why don’t I feel ready to leave?
‘Can I join you?’
Jean Brown is standing beside me, slightly out of breath, her hands on her thighs. I didn’t even notice her approaching from the beach. Am I imagining it, or does she look somewhat anxious? It’s an expression I feel as though I’ve seen on her face several times recently.
‘Yes of course.’ I gesture to the ground beside me.
She sits down very slowly. It’s something of a shock to realise that my old teacher has become frail. I remember her taking the class on walks across the island, pointing out particular wildflowers and insects. Sometimes I’d be allowed to hold her hand and I’d try my best not to let the grin I felt inside show on my mouth.
