‘So that’s why you left, to get away from your parents?’
I nod.
‘Yes, honey. And I wanted my own life and that couldn’t be here.’
‘But Uncle Jack stayed.’
‘Yes, Uncle Jack stayed. I thought maybe I’d be able to persuade him to come with me. But in the end, I knew he wouldn’t leave. I don’t think he could. So I went alone. But it was so hard to leave him behind.’
She nods, brushing a strand of hair away from her face. She looks suddenly so serious, so grown up.
‘I guess that’s why he’s been so weird with you since we arrived then, Mum? No one likes being left behind.’
I swallow hard and she talks quickly again.
‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel bad. I’m just thinking this all through. I understand now why you left. That must have been so hard for you. But I guess I can also understand why Uncle Jack might feel sad too.’
I reach my arm around her.
‘You’re right, sweetie.’
‘Do you think you two will be able to make up?’
I look out to sea, at the sun glowing on the horizon and the silhouettes of birds flying in the sky.
‘I don’t know, darling. I hope so. But maybe too much has happened and too much time has passed.’
‘Maybe if you just talk to each other you’ll find a way?’
Her suggestion is so simple and yet I know at once she’s right. It’s time Jack and I talked – really, properly talked. About all the things we didn’t have words for as children, all the things we’ve spent years avoiding, the silence growing heavier every year that went by. It might not change anything, but I think speaking the truth is something we both need to do for ourselves as much as for each other.
Ella and I sit for a while in silence, facing out across the beach. Pebbles and shells dot the sand, a flock of wading birds paddle in the shallows and ahead the sea stretches endlessly into the distance. God, this island. I never thought I’d see it again. I certainly never thought I’d bring my daughter here. And yet here we are. Somehow, I find that I’m glad we’re here. I’m glad I’m sitting here on this beach with my daughter, both looking at the same view I know so well but have been apart from for years.
‘There’s something else I’ve been thinking, Mum,’ Ella says. I turn to her again. ‘What you said earlier, when you said I must be lonely sometimes. Well, aren’t you too? It sometimes makes me sad that I’m all you have. And Cheryl too, but apart from that …’
She trails off, the sentence hanging in the air between us. I am used to spending every day worrying in some way about my daughter – whether she’s warm, happy, whether I’m doing an OK job. But how much of her life has she spent worrying aboutme? AndamI lonely? I think, maybe, I’ve been lonely for so long that I’d forgotten what it was like to feel any other way. Until I came here. Since arriving on the island there have been a few brief moments where that loneliness has cracked like ice on a lake. In the yoga class with all the island women, discussing art with Mallachy in his studio, with my brother’s family and Sarah and hers as we shared dinner together around the kitchen table.
I pull Ella towards me.
‘How could I ever need more than you?’
She leans into me for a moment and then pulls away slightly.
‘I don’t know if it’s totally normal though, Mum. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I wonder whether we’re designed to just have one person who’s our person. Even if they love us enough for a hundred people.’
Her words hit me in the chest. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by all the things I have left to teach Ella before she becomes a fully-fledged adult and eventually leaves me to set off on her own in the world. But every now and then it strikes me that my daughter might know more about this world than I ever will.
‘You’re getting so wise. And so tall!’ I nudge her playfully and she laughs.
‘I’ll be taller than you soon.’
‘I’ll just have to get into wearing really high heels.’
She nestles in next to me.
‘So, tell me about Ruby and Farah,’ I say, pulling her a little closer. ‘What happened there, darling? You three were so close.’
The sun shines down on us both as Ella tells me about how things first started changing with her friends a few months ago. How Jasmine Matthews joined their group and the dynamic was disturbed. How they started teasing Ella for the fact she hasn’t started shaving her legs yet and prefers sporty crop tops to ‘proper’ bras.
