She rubs a hand across her forehead, looking suddenly tired.
‘You’re right, I know. Have we had any more applications?’
‘No, not yet. But there’s still time.’
But even as I say it I know it isn’t quite true. With each day that passes, we’re running out of time. We hug goodbye, holding each other tightly for a moment before letting go.
In the kitchen Jack, Lorna, Molly and Ella are busy tidying up. Lorna passes Jack plates and he stacks them in the dishwasher. The girls collect rubbish and wipe the table. I watch them all for a moment, a glow spreading through me.
‘How about we go to the house tomorrow?’ Jack says, straightening and looking Lorna in the eye.
‘Of course. Whatever you want.’
He nods and returns to loading the dishwasher.
‘I think it’s time you girls went up to bed, sweethearts.’ Ella and Molly say their goodnights and head upstairs.
‘I think I might go up too,’ says Lorna, yawning. ‘I drank more than I realised.’
She’s right. My head feels foggy, my lips bitter with the taste of red wine.
‘Yes, me too, we can do the last bits in the morning.’
Jack leans against the Rayburn as Lorna crosses towards the door.
‘Good night, Lorna,’ he says.
She pauses and turns back, a half-smile on her face.
‘Good night, Jack.’
We undress on opposite sides of the bed and then slip under the covers next to one another.
‘How are you feeling about going to the house tomorrow?’
‘I’m OK,’ he says, but he looks up at the ceiling, his expression serious. I turn over in bed, curling up on my side. It’s been a good evening but the worries are creeping in again. Jack turns his body so he’s tucked behind me, an arm around my waist.
‘AreyouOK?’ he says softly into my ear.
‘I’m fine, just too much to drink.’
The thoughts bubble up inside but I don’t want to burden him. He’s just lost his parents and he’s trying to reconnect with his estranged sister. He’s got enough on his mind. But as I squeeze my eyes tightly shut, trying to control my breathing, I realise suddenly what a hypocrite I am. I want him to open up to me about his past and his feelings. And yet the truth is, there’s so much I’m not telling him either.
After a few moments of holding me he rolls away and we fall asleep facing away from one another.
Chapter 19
Lorna
We are silent, the only sounds the rumble of the engine and the clatter of summer rain on the roof of the Land Rover. Alice is driving Ella and me in the Land Rover and Jack and Molly are following behind in the car, empty boxes piled on the back seats in preparation of our task.
Beside me Ella stares out the window, her arms tightly crossed, her teeth biting her bottom lip.
I can’t tell if it’s the hangover or the prospect of returning to my childhood home that is making my stomach churn like a washing machine on a spin cycle. I close my eyes. When I open them, I’ll be back in my room in London where I’ve lived for the past decade. The window will be open, the smell of the Thames drifting in on a breeze. The sun will be shining, the tarmac outside hot and steaming. Ella will be in her bedroom next door listening to music and humming to herself.
I blink open my eyes. Raindrops trickle like tears down the car windowpane. Outside, it looks as though a painter has swept a grey wash over the entire canvas of the island. Grey sky seeps into grey mist, into grey moor, into the shiny dark grey of the wet road. So much for it being the height of summer. But this is an island summer after all.
Suddenly, the Land Rover turns off the main road. I feel it first through the bumps that vibrate up through the car seat, telling me that we are on the track leading home. I close my eyes tightly shut. The Land Rover jolts over a particularly large pothole and I remember swerving around it on my bike on the way to school. I can picture the exact spot on the track and the feeling of the bike handlebars rattling under my hands, making my fingers numb. The car slows and only then do I open my eyes again.
