A brief silence. Is it just me, or are the other women looking at each other in a slightly strange way?
‘A teacher?’ Jean asks.
The others watch me carefully. Perhaps Jean told them about my ambitions to be an artist when I was younger. Are they surprised, like Sarah was, to hear that my dream didn’t come true? If you’d told me as a child that I would end up as a teacher, not an artist, I would have been surprised too. But I was a child then. And children believe impossible things.
‘Yes, I am. Are you still the headteacher here, Jean?’
I have to hold myself back from calling her ‘Mrs Brown’.
That look again, passed quickly between the women around the table, and a pause. I’m sure I’m not imagining it.
‘Yes, I am. Now, tell me about that daughter of yours.’
Oh, my favourite subject. I could talk for hours. I feel myself puffing up with pride as I tell them about Ella’s good grades, her hobbies, her kindness.
When the food arrives everyone tucks in, chatting and joking. Morag is still asleep in the corner. Brenda wolfs down her sandwich and then takes Harry from Tess and Joy so they can eat as well. She bounces him on her knee and blows raspberries on his cheek. Throughout the meal Harry is passed around between the entire group. Is this what it might have been like if I’d had a group of women to chip in and help with Ella when she was a baby? I remember lying alone in the hospital after I’d given birth to her, while around me family members carrying balloons and teddy bears came to visit other new mothers on the ward. I watched them in silence, holding Ella awkwardly to my chest and struggling to get her to feed. In a bed across from mine I saw a grandmother hold her grandson for the first time, one arm scooping him up gently, the other resting on her daughter’s shoulder. The daughter reached up from her bed and held her mother’s hand.
‘I get it now, Mum,’ she said.
I’ll always remember that. I cried all night when the visitors had left.
Then there was the neighbour in our flat in Whitechapel who also had a new baby and liked to complain to me whenever we bumped into each other in the stairwell about her parents who hadn’t bought the exact pram she wanted, but a slightly different (better, I couldn’t help but notice) model. And all those visits to the doctor when Ella had a temperature and I worked myself into a frenzy of panic, having no one around to calm me or rationalise my fears. It was all so much harder than I could ever have imagined when I was pregnant. But we did OK in the end. I hope I did OK, anyway.
‘You must come to one of Alice’s yoga classes while you’re here,’ says Kerstin. ‘She’s an excellent teacher.’
Alice blushes, self-consciously patting her braided hair with one hand.
‘I’m not sure that’s true. But it would be lovely if you wanted to join, Lorna. I teach official classes once a week but we often meet up between them too for unofficial classes.’
‘By which she means sitting on our yoga mats and blethering,’ says Brenda.
‘Yes, we particularly enjoy the seated yoga poses,’ chips in Joy, laughing.
‘Corpse pose is my personal favourite,’ adds Tess.
I join in with their laughter, feeling a warmth spread through my body. With all the thoughts and worries going through my head I didn’t expect to switch off even for a moment, but it’s nice just to smile with these women and ignore everything else for a while. Especially after Mrs Anderson’s comments. It’s good to be around kindness.
‘That sounds great, thank you.’
I glance along the table and catch Jean’s eye. It’s so good to see her again. I smile but she returns her attention to Harry, who is now sitting in her lap playing with a set of car keys.
Outside, the harbour is busy with movement and noise. The ferry has pulled in at the jetty, cars disembarking and others waiting to board. The door of the pub opens and a stream of customers pours in. Some glance in our direction but most filter straight through to the bar, ordering drinks and chatting among themselves.
I turn back to the door. Suddenly Sarah is standing in the doorway, a suitcase behind her, her hair tied back with a bright yellow scarf. She smiles in our direction and waves. But as soon as she spots me her smile disappears. She hesitates and for a second, I do too. When we spoke on the train Sarah said she needed space and some time to think. These women are her friends, not mine, however welcome they’ve tried to make me feel.
‘Thanks so much for inviting me to join you all but I think I should be getting back. Check on Ella …’
I trail off, struggling to think of a proper excuse. As I stand up quickly the table rocks, jolting Morag awake.
‘What’s going on?’ she croaks.
‘Alice, I can walk back, you stay here.’
I say a brief goodbye to Alice and her friends, who all look a little surprised at my hasty departure but say goodbye warmly.
‘See you at yoga soon.’
‘And remember, Ella’s welcome any time to come over and see Puff. You too – feel free to pop over for a cup of tea,’ adds Brenda.
