‘Rob and I were only together a few years. We met in a bar where we both used to work. But he left when he found out I was pregnant.’
‘Oh god, I’m sorry.’
She stares out the window again, her gaze distant, her hand rising to tuck her hair behind her ear.
‘He didn’t want children, it turned out. When he knew I was pregnant he said if we were to stay together it would have to be just the two of us.’
‘That must have been so tough.’
She tilts her head a fraction, her eyebrows slightly furrowed.
‘It was and it wasn’t. For me it wasn’t a difficult choice. A baby wasn’t part of my plan. I had no money, worked antisocial hours … But I knew straight away I wanted to find a way to make it work. I guess I felt like I’d been drifting for years, from job to job, from bedsit to bedsit. When I found out about Ella I felt this need to, I don’t know, put down roots.’
I try to focus on driving, not knowing what to say. All I can picture is a tiny, dirty bedsit and a young woman pregnant and alone. Whatever pain she may have caused my husband through her estrangement from him, she is first and foremost a woman and a mother. And while she was there, making that awful choice alone, we were here. Jack and I could have helped her.
‘So, you raised her on your own?’
‘I’ll admit, looking after a newborn by myself was harder than I ever imagined when I was pregnant. I was probably quite naïve to begin with. I won’t say it was easy.’
I remember those weeks after Molly was born when I felt in total disarray. My body swam with hormones, weeping with joy one moment and sobbing with fear and exhaustion the next. Those long, long nights of desperately snatched moments of sleep. But I had Jack, who woke with me in the night. I had my island friends who dropped round lasagnes and cakes or just popped over to do the washing-up and let me take a shower. My sisters came to stay too, one then the other to spread out the visits. My mum was only ever a phone call away and I remember dialling her number countless times at all hours, questioning her on whether I was doing it right. Poor Caitlin has been on speed dial over the years as well, patiently answering every medical query however small. Who did Lorna have? As I sneak a glance at her I think I know the answer without asking. It’s there on her face, in the hard set of her eyebrows, the way she holds herself. This is someone who is used to relying on herself and herself alone.
‘Have he and Ella ever met?’
‘No. I’ve thought about trying to make it happen. He’s sent me money here and there over the years but he’s always been completely disinterested in actually meeting her. I’ve wondered in the past whether it’s been the right choice, not pushing harder for them to have some sort of relationship. Maybe I could have made him change his mind and orchestrated some sort of meeting. But I guess I just feel like no father has to be better than an indifferent one. She deserves so much more than that.’
I catch a glimpse of my wedding ring on my hand that grips the steering wheel, the gold band winking in the light. I suddenly want to hold my husband tightly. Whatever tensions there might be between us right now, he is and always has been a wonderful father. I think back to that day when we first met our daughter, me exhausted in the hospital bed and him exhausted from standing by my side all night. When the nurse helped me hand her to him the tears started to spill down his face. His voice was full of wonder as he looked at her pink scrunched face and said, ‘Look what we made.’
‘And has there been anyone else?’ I ask her, trying to control the shake in my voice. ‘Of course, you don’t have to tell me that either!’
Again, a brief hesitation before she answers.
‘No, not really. I suppose after Rob I decided things would be more straightforward if it were just Ella and me. I’ve dated, but nothing serious, no one Ella’s ever met. It just feels simpler that way.’
Simpler, perhaps, but lonely, I can imagine.
‘You and Ella must be so close.’
Her voice brightens now.
‘We are. She’s a pretty great girl.’
I see the school approaching ahead and slow the car, pulling up on the grass opposite the building. Turning off the engine, I rest both hands on the steering wheel.
‘It’s so nice to meet her. And you too.’
We pause for a moment, both smiling at one another but clearly a little awkward. She fiddles with her hair again and I shuffle slightly in my seat. It feels so strange – at the start of this car journey she felt like a stranger, but now … I feel like I’m at school again and have just made a new friend. That rush of affection and interest but also the sense of being not quite totally comfortable with one another yet.
‘Right, we’re here,’ I say eventually. ‘Shall we go in?’
With a look something like determination on her face, she nods.
Chapter 11
Lorna
The school has barely changed. There’s new play equipment in the playground but otherwise it’s the same old stone building with a gabled roof and tall windows. Beyond the playground walls stretch fields and moor, sheep grazing freely. Just across the road is the beach. Looking at my old school, I can’t help but think how drastically different it is to the school I teach at on the Isle of Dogs. Here, it is a mountain that towers above us, not office blocks. Instead of the sound of passing planes and the rumble of traffic there is quiet, except for the hiss of the sea and the occasional bleat of a sheep.
There might be different pictures on the walls but inside the school is exactly how I remembered it too. I am five years old again, sitting next to Sarah in the classroom and nodding along as she declared we were going to be best friends. I can feel the soft fabric of my school jumper and the rough carpet beneath my hands as we sit on the floor for story time. And then I am nine and Jack is joining the school for the first time. I hold his hand and show him where to hang his coat and where to put his satchel. And when he is too shy to put his hand up to answer a question I nudge him in the ribs until he reluctantly lifts it into the air. When he gets it right and his small face fills with a smile I feel as though I could burst with pride.
