He shrugged, turning away from me. But he looked so pained that I softened.
‘I’m sorry, I know this must be tough. How are you feeling about it all?’
But he only shook his head in reply, his whole body tense, his expression closed off.
‘Please, talk to me, Jack.’
But he turned away again, disappearing up to our bedroom. As I lay next to him in bed later it felt as though he wasn’t even there with me but was elsewhere.Come back to me, I whispered to myself as I faced his back, his body curled up in a tight ball. This morning I feel exhausted, deflated. But also determined to try to make the best of things. What else can I do?
Lorna looks up from the kitchen table, the remnants of breakfast still scattered around us and a mug of coffee held to her lips.
‘A group of us promised we’d help change the displays and tidy up at the school,’ I tell her. ‘I know going to a school is probably the last thing you want having just broken up yourself, but we could use the extra pair of hands. And we’ll be going to The Lookout after for lunch, so it’s not just work.’
She smiles slightly.
‘So, the old pub is still going strong then? I used to work there as a teenager.’
‘Very much so,’ I reply. I try to picture her behind the bar of the pub as a young woman. Jack told me once that his sister dyed her hair purple when she was a teenager and that their parents were furious. I can’t imagine caring in the slightest about the colour of Molly’s hair.
‘I’d love to come with you,’ she says. ‘Thanks for asking me.’
‘Great!’
I start clearing up but she stands up quickly, reaching for the plates.
‘Please, let me help you.’
We clear up together and once we’ve finished I catch her glancing out the window at the sea.
‘It will be good to see my old school again,’ she says, not moving her eyes away from the view. ‘I was happy there.’
As she says it I so want to tell her that the fate of the school is currently uncertain. I want to unburden myself of my worries about it all. But it wouldn’t be fair to put all that on her, especially when she’s going through so much already. It’s not her problem. She turns back to me.
‘I love your style,’ she says. ‘Those flowers are beautiful.’
I look down briefly in surprise. I’m in denim cut-offs today and one of my favourite shirts that has floral embroidery along the collar and sleeves. I also wove a few fresh flowers into my hair this morning, wanting to cheer myself up.
‘Oh, thank you! I know it’s probably silly to get dressed up given most of my day is spent feeding animals and helping Jack outside, but it makes me happy. And it makes a change from my yoga gear.’
‘When did you become a yoga instructor?’ she asks, her grey eyes watching me thoughtfully. It still gives me a jolt to see my husband’s eyes staring back at me from her face. We started talking about our jobs last night, one of the few seemingly ‘safe’ topics of conversation I could think of. When she told me she was a deputy head of a school I struggled to hide the emotions that rushed through me. I so nearly told her everything then about what’s been going on, but I forced myself to hold back.
‘I started practising it as a teenager,’ I tell her, leaning against the kitchen counter and facing her where she stands by the sink with her back now to the window. ‘But I became interested in teaching after Molly was born. I guess I wanted something for myself.’
My cheeks suddenly colour, as I realise how it must sound.
‘Of course, I adore being a mum.’
But she’s smiling, nodding in understanding and I feel a swell of relief.
‘No, I totally understand. I remember leaving Ella with a childminder when I was doing my teacher training. It broke my heart to leave her with a stranger but I also loved those hours where I was using my brain and felt like something other than just a mother.’
An image suddenly enters my mind of Lorna alone with a new baby and I can’t help but feel a rush of sadness. I’ve never once had to leave Molly with a stranger. I had Jack, my friends and a whole island to help. Did I take it for granted? Perhaps I still do.
‘Exactly,’ I say, shaking off the image. ‘I help out as much as I can on the farm and I do enjoy it, but it’s Jack’s passion really. I went and did my training when Molly was old enough for me to leave her, and then I’ve been teaching classes here ever since.’
I catch sight suddenly of the clock above the fridge.
‘We should probably get going.’
